I am the Queen of my own sanctuary, my realm, and my domain. I am my own foundation. My world exists through my own perception. So in the likely event, of some sort of chaos - I will be ready to catch myself moreover I will be OK regardless of the circumstances ! And understanding this is extremely liberating. I shall heal with words, what's poetically true while crying out in ink, until my sadness is through. Perhaps, I might use the help of few cigarette puffs to calms me down - temporarily, And even take sips of whiskey to drowns my sorrows - momentarily, But I will refuse to get on my knees and plead to the tune of hypocrisy. I also know, I am but a mess of unimportant matters another aimless being to fill the space unique for my twisted thoughts hysterically pleading with a calm face, Yet, I don't want to be tainted by the small realm that confines me and I do not want to be mistaken for the moon, living under the spotlight of her beloved sun - Since, I too am a star A toxic Intangible ball of stardust A wonder of creation Floating in an inexhaustible, eternal sea. Finite but furious bright, unstable, and contagious. I am that spark which is capable of lighting my own way as well as yours before I finally fade...
I sank down to the ground in utter despair, Catching a small hint of your breath in the air, Wishing for just a moment that life could be merciful and fair. I shut off the blood to my heart which was full of us - we and each other. Which was so full of the love that has become empathy - The empathy that I feel is imaginary, with your promises that tasted like tears and whiskey, running through my arteries, and disappearing into an ocean of wounds and gore. I am neither alive nor dead. No corner of emotions left to pry. No fear - no joy, Not even tears left to cry. Embodied with empty memories, I can’t seem to find a remedy for all the sins I’ve been committing NOR for all the lies you’ve been spitting. As if these were light casualties and this is our destiny ; We had love but it went away, Yet, what could have been - wasn’t meant to stay. I am tired. Drained. Weary. and Exhausted. I’ve no more guts to walk through the forlorn fog. I wish my heart was big enough to contain this endless pain, [ forgetting that not many wish are meant to come true ], Therefore, I curled up inside like paper burning. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, My heart of gold has turned to rust...
This piece is dedicated for every children who went through hell and whose voices are muffled, yet still try to smile and wear a happy mask.
HAPPY CHILDREN'S DAY TO YOU ALL, TRUE WARRIORS
Breaking the Last Silence
I asked my younger sister to cover her ears, hugged her and brought her near. I cranked the music louder, While I prayed, hoping soon this will be over. My mother screams, as daddy raised his fists. So much of life has just been lost. They stole our innocence day by day, With the same old crap covered by another brand new day. Noone to lift us up on a cloud, Nobody to tell us, "there's nothing to fear!" We are just scared, frightened, and lonely. Living this evil life that was created just purposely. Leaving us with no other choice But to starve for love, affection, and attention. I wait for the Lord to fix this, and for this fear to end. My heart is weak, My emotions are sore. I do my best to never let it show, For I know, A lot of messed up thoughts, run constantly through my sister's head too. It's hard to say what's wrong, when nothing is going right. Our days are all bleak and so very dark. Tell us how to open our heart to someone who broke it to pieces too many times? I don't mean to be rude Dearest Daddy and Mommy, But Truly we don't need these "I love You" bunnies, Nor this many luxury treats, and even these sweet delicacies. We need not even your "Happy Children's Day" wish. We just want you to fix this Because all we truly need, is peace...
I've spent years relying on daydreams to subdue the numbness of sleepless nights and endless battles within my own mind, Yet, tonight when I shed gallons of tears, I have only my bed and pillow to share. I've learnt that my sadness is my very own. Sometimes, bad things happen when you let people in. Before everything, I have been warned but I chose to listen to the soothing, wrong, hopeful voices "He means no harm!" Capturing innocent hearts Trust flows without thinking. It’s easy to be fooled by your feelings within, and harder to really see what hides beneath the skin. The promise of something beatiful Now a corpse, killed not by his hand... But the mistakes guided by mine. His "I love you"s became poison, that seeped deep into my bone, turned blue skies grey, and turned light into darkness. I believe, one shot on my head won't hurt that much the way he destroyed my heart. He radiates the pain I feel. Well played! Perhaps, I am the anti-hero of my own autobiography - the protagonist that gains nothing! Where by the end of the 400 page novel, the reader understands, They’ve wasted their time! I am now trying to shrink myself, trying to become smaller, quieter, less sensitive, less opinionated, less needy, and less me. Shivering silently in the darkness, I feel myself sinking, to point of almost giving up Ready to accept certain death. I looked at photos in my phone only deleting them when the substance in my lungs is strong enough to subdue the aching in my chest, as I remember the happiness and the love that we held. Once again trying to decide if the tragedy is hiding elsewhere or somewhere trapped inside. It's a dim light with no glimmer anymore. I see less colours now and my muscles ache. I yearn for remedies For the malady of his loss I move less, smell less, feel less. It's cold as I subdue to the pull. Maybe I just need distance, Maybe I just need time.
Silver rain falls in great drops and a cold breeze gives me shivers causing me equal agony. Neither my sleep is whole, Nor, my dream complete. I screamed your name but you just watched me sink further until I was no more. I drown myself in alcohol to escape the pain only to learn that it is inexorable. Then I ponder under the pitter-patter hiss and swish of exponential scales At the wrongness of raindrops in a moonbeam. for how much longer will I feel this pain in my chest. For how much longer will I see your cold eyes whenever I close mine. For how much longer will I end my days tortured by the memories. Silent is the night, Silent is my pain, Silent is the heartache, Like a furnace burns - Dancing at the back of the mind. Haunting me with sadness. Without you my life has a hole that can't be filled with anything else. Hence transformed me Into a phantom, intangible dispersed into powerless anguish by your terror. Flaunting in darkness Past hurts and pains, put to rewind inside my head that is now a storm. Yet, My chest is just empty and through the noise & deafening silence I still feel you...
I love my eyes for they let me see things some can't. Like the expressions on your face when you make a mistake Or the rare smile that you hide. But now my eyes are tired, And I am drained of hope. There is a desire in me to liberate myself, to love myself as I have never truly done, For under your spell You manipulated every outcome You manipulate your lover. And I fear that in loving myself, I will become something foolish. Thus the minds too soon betray me And my tears begin to fall Frustration soon follows And then it all goes numb. I entered into a house of horrors! Where hubris is heavenly and pain is pleasure. Guilt is a given and treachery means treasure.. I endure it all in hope of your reformation as a reward, But I guess Old habits really do die hard! And those who grasp at your wicked and wild thorns will receive a scar in the mind leaving behind, the tales of the wise... Now, I've reached an end of my strength. Yet I love the feeling of this strange and eerie calmness after love lost battle. Silent woes turn into dormant smiles. I shall soon rise up against this blackness that encompasses me. In view of the fact that Me and loneliness, Maybe is what is meant to be. Perhaps it was decided that it should have been so all along,
My life is like a pendulum. Swinging between bliss and anguish. Like dawn and twilight absorbing the cosmos and tasting the milky way feeling love and connection without a word to say. Converting future to past. No single moment can be hold to last. I wish I was cold enough to make time freeze But precious minutes and hours won't bend. Life has run away from me as I play this game of chance. Yet, I don't understand, When will I discover that love never lasts? Like the shadow over the moon, His love grows slowly and then fade away. I thought those days with him would forever stay, but time destroys all things in the end. So, here I am, kissing this cigarette. Submerged in a perpetual darkness, As the sun and the moon crash, collide, eventually crumble, and Everything I once touched, no longer touches me. The stars have lost their light, The moon has lost its glow now, And every infinitesimal shard of his very essence, is engulfed in the empty space. Thus I feel blissful taking off my weariness of day into this divine cradle, While the wind Whistles a tune, a harmony across the water and land. Capturing peace in the dead of night, I bandage my fractured existence, In soft acceptance. Falsehoods smiling upon thin lips Hiding pain inside an eclipsed heart.
Image found in Google and credited to rightful owner / artist.
You're a leftover, a broken shard of nothingness, pilled up in a corner to home dust. It's comfortably numb in the dark, no longer you have the need to cross collapsed bridges or search for hope in hollow tunnels. You want to break the Gremlin rules you set for yourself during the early hours of the day. Feeding the raging hell within you past midnight is what you call surviving. It only wants to lick your open wrists and consume every cell in your wreaked body. It just isn't one of those days you fight for a better you.
I remember him.I remember his touch.I remember his voice and how calm and beautiful it was.He changed me and saved my soul. I owe everything to him. No one believes my story and that's okay.The truth is, it happened long ago in another realm. I lived a different life,and had different parents.I remember now. I am currently sitting in the subway station.Tears just pouring from my eyes because I finally remember him. If I didn't know better I'd say that I see his reflection in the window in front of me. I wonder if he's trying to reach out to me.I miss him. He is hated by many but is loved only by me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was a nice dream. One that I've had many times.Just this time I was at complete peace. I was a little girl running through the park. I had gold like curls flowing from the back.I was wearing a blue dress with flowers too.I was running with my mother behind me, at least I think she's my mom.She is so beautiful. I was at peace. Everytime I dream this, I beg God not to let me wake up.
" Serenity! Get down here right now!" I am suddenly pulled from my safe heaven and back to my bitter reality. My step mother screams from the top of her lungs. " SERENITY CATHLEEN!" I rose from my bed in complete anguish and annoyance. I just want to be done with this life. I want to be done with this all. I slowly walked to my door when I could smell a nauseating mixture of burnt eggs and the mold that has been collecting on our bathroom ceiling. I walked down stairs just to see my Tayna and her son James standing in the kitchen."James lost my new earrings.. give me $20 so I can go get a new pair." I am use to this." Are you serious?I just earned this money from dog sitting for Ms.Perry." Tanya looked annoyed."I didn't ask you for an excuse, give me the damn money. " She then grabbed my purse and looked through it.I didn't have time to pull it away from her before she stole $30 out." I am taking $10 extra because you argued with me." I grabbed my purse back and ran out the door."HEY DON'T FORGET YOU ARE PICKING UP JAMES AFTER SCHOOL AND YOU ARE MAKING DINNER!!" This is my life.My dad's new wife orders me around,takes my money, and makes me do messed up things. If I complain to my dad he'll just physically take it out on me. I was thinking about the situation when my friend Zack pulled up next to me." HEY Serena!Jump in!" I shake my head quietly . "Come on. I know you need to get away.We are all going to the tower." The tower was the place where all of the rowdy kids go.The adults don't know about this place. I finally caved in and got in the back of the car.His friend Shawn was back there liting up a blunt. When we pulled in by the tower, Maxwell and Kelly where there leaning against a car."Ew, get a room." Kelly's best friend Daisy approaches from the side."Oh, so now that you and Zack broke up you are all of a sudden against PDA?" Maxwell laughed. "No, I'm just against your PDA, you guys are disgusting." Daisy took a swig of her beer. I quietly walked to the bridge beneath the tower.Trying to take it all in.It was bad enough that I got pulled out of class today because Taylor decided to snitch on me to Mr.Tony. She was teasing the new girl again when I decide to step up and tell her to put more energy into fixing her eyebrows.I mean come on my five year old sister could do better with a sharpie.Taylor ended up switching our roles and made me out as the bully and her as the heroic angel that saved the day.Mr. Tony is so blinded by her acting.Now I have that and my messed up home life to think about."Want a hit?" Zack startled me and offered me his stash.Zack is like the older brother that I never had."Why, do I look like I need it?" I chuckled."I just know how hard life is at home.I also know that Taylor is like challenged . " I smiled"Hey, don't be mean to the handicap, they don't deserve that comparison." He hugged me and we looked over the bridge.The others joined us and laughed about idiotic things that don't matter.We are young and just here wasting time.However, my time was about to stop.
Zack also had a hard life.His dad lets his anger out on him like mine does to me.The difference is, his dad is a sergeant, mine is an alcoholic. Zack's dad is at least gone most of the time.The thing is, he's a good kid who just got mixed up with the wrong crowd. His dad threaten him that if he ever got caught dealing again that he'd be sent away to boot camp.For this reason I try to keep my eye out for him."Serenity, did you really bully that new kid." Maxwell asked suddenly." Do I look like a bully?" Maxwell chuckled. "Well, yeah.I mean it's you." He says while looking me up and down. "No moron Taylor just ran he big plastic mouth as usual. " Kelly choked on her beer."We all know she's secretly still friends with Taylor but no one calls her on it."OH SHIT." Shawn gasps."Is that the cops?" He points down below."OMG, Max I can't get caught again." Kelly stands up shaking. "Yeah I mean we have cocaine in Zack's car. " Daisy jumped off the railing she was on and quickly ran away from the tower."COCAINE ZACK!?" I shout at him."SHHH DAMN SERENA!" Zack covers my mouth."It's not even mine, it's my brothers. I was gonna dispose of it here in the river.I want- no I need him to get clean.I need him to get better." Next thing I knew a cop ran up the side of our tower. We took off towards the car as Shawn tossed Zack the cocaine. " DAMN IT ZACK TOSS IT!" It was too late, the cop caught up.I quickly picked up the drug and took off with it.If they found it here they would link it to us and I couldn't have Zack get dragged down in with it - even if it was his fault."SERENITY WHERE ARE YOU GOING!?" They all asked."GO!" I screamed. I'll text you later." I was going to throw this in the outhouse near by. I kept running while the cop was trailing me.I finally got to the outhouse and was about to toss it.The a cop came from the side of the outhouse."I'll take that."He grabbed it from my hands.That was my first mistake. I tried to help a friend but somehow got myself in trouble instead. That's how I ended up at the station.That's why my drunk father came in to get me out after I swore it wasn't mine and wouldn't give them any information. They wanted Zack and I won't give them Zack." You may take her but we may bring her back for questioning. I suggest you get a lawyer." The officer told my father.I quietly glanced at my father."Get up." Was all he said. While we were in the car we sat for what felt like forever. "First the principal called, and- and-AND NOW THIS!I MEAN DAMN IT SERENA!" I tried to explain to my dad that I was actually the hero at school and that I tried to save Zack. "Just SHUT UP.I heard enough." The drive home was so uncomfortable."When we pulled into the drive way my father suddenly turned the car off and looked at me.My heart was pounding. "He casual reached over and smacked me hard in the face.He then grabbed me by the hair and threw my head into the dashboard. I jumped out and ran into the garage.My father ran in after me while shutting the garage door.He grabbed me by my sweater and threw me on the concrete."HAVING YOU WAS A MISTAKE!"He screamed at me.He kicked me in my side with his boots and I instantly felt a sharp pain." You have been a burden on my family!" He then threw me into the garage door and I trip over tools."You killed your mom, and every day I ask myself this one question."He pauses" why didn't you die instead of her?" I felt a thousand knives go through my heart as he whispered killer like words. My body was bloodied and bruised.After he broke me he turned around and went inside the house while locking it.I got up slowly and ran out the side door.I was done with this.I wasn't going to be living this life anymore. I ran through the snow as my blood made a light trail. I got on my bike and took off back to the tower without hesitating. Zack kept calling me but I wasn't going to answer. Sorry Zack, I can't do this anymore. Once I got there I threw my bike on the ground and ran to the railing.I stepped over it while shaking in fear. "DON'T DO IT SERENA!" Zack ran up to the railing."How did you know I'd be here?" I shouted." come on serena, this is our hide out. Where else would you go?" I turned my body around and told him to back away." Serena we are going to get out of this town next month. You turn 18 and we are leaving together remember?" I shook my head." Sorry Zack." He started to move towards me when a cop car pulled up." I can't do this anymore zack..I can't. "I took a deep breath and slowly fell back."Zack screamed as he leaped towards me."I closed my eyes as I fell from the tower.It was winter out and I know the water is ice cold but I don't care.I just want to end this. " What a lousy human." I suddenly heard a deep voice. I looked around frantically. Time seemed to almost stop as I fell."My eyes grew tired as I saw a face of a man on a bridge.I knew it wasn't Zack cuz he was dressed in black." Sweet dreams." I somehow heard his sarcastic deep voice from here. All of sudden time went back to normal and I fell into the ice bitter cold water. That was when my time stopped. That was when I, serenity, died and my story should have stopped there. Unfortunately, that was where it all began. #tobecontinued
The early morning sun trespasses into the darkness of her room. Last night was cold and cruel, just like her soul and thoughts of self-destruction.
A sleepless night has passed by, a sleepless day awaits. Unlike fictional tales real life doesn't offer much closures. She needs to realise that and find her way back to her soul. She needs to stop looking for answers for there are none.
She has cherished more tears and sorrows than what a normal person could bear. Being there for everyone is a difficult task, not being for herself is even more difficult. Yesterday night, it was her soul whispering in her ears- "it's time to come back home, it's time to look after yourself and let things be the way they are."
The alarm clock rings at the corner of her bed breaking her emotional monologue. She turns it off along with her desire to throw it out of the window. The birds seem to have begun their chirping, she hates the sight of them flying around. It reminds her of their freedom and her shackles, the imaginary ones, which she is unable to break.
Realization of the fact that your world has come down crashing, is a slow one and often hard to digest. She seeks to bargain away her emotions to make others stay. This isn't how it works. Sometimes self respect needs you too.
There is a lot of work to be done. A lot of damage to be repaired. But, first thing that comes to her mind is a little bit of revenge and a little bit of escapism. Free spirits never die, no matter how many walls you construct around them, they will break them slowly but surely.
She desires to burn this world down in bits and pieces. But, she fails to realise that she is a part of this world.
Today, she feels that hope has abandoned her like it always does. But, the dawn doesn't seem to care about what she feels. It will still enter into her world and drive her darkness away.
The clock continues to tick and it's audible underneath the chaos of her mind. It's time to embrace her work and move on. She doesn't want to experience anything, but just this numbness. The grief is heavy and so is her heart, but grieving is for the rich, for the poor it's still a day for labour and toil.
If people will be named after color, I'll call you purple that kind of purple that melts in the sky when the sun is about to set and take a rest for awhile. That type of purple that makes my heart jumps a little and lits up the excitement in my eyes. ... If people will be named after flowers, you'll be my rose I'll embrace you with my arms open wide and cage you in a warm tight hug, no matter how painful your thorns. ... If people will be named after season, I'll choose you summer among all of those four. you'll the sun that kisses my skin and make me love the ocean more. ... If people named after places, not Paris nor Rome I'll happily call you my home. You are the place that will always make my heart aches when I'm away because I'll surely miss you the moment we took our separate ways. You are the shelter that protects my heart, the one I'll always run to no matter what. ... I'll name you after a place that doesn't have a fancy name because you've seen me on my ups and downs, and still accepts me for who I am. ... People have identities and so as things . But you and your name will always be my favourite.
The cold winds will moisten up your wings. It hurts, when it snows. All the sudden I had this urge to open my wrists. I wanted to feel pain that would cancel out pain.
I’m trapped in my mind. What will venting on a fucking piece of paper do? Create something beautiful?
No, I don’t want my pain to be poetic or beautiful, there’s no beauty in my tears...
I can’t even cry anymore the tears have gone blank so now I started crying out blood. My limbs are weak and I want to sleep but I can’t because my eyelids conceal lethal images in which are revealed when I close them,
oh wait… that’s just my mind.. see what being chronically I’ll does to you? It makes you confuse emotions with body parts,
I mean, I did confuse my pessimism with my lungs as I did pass toxic debris through my cracked mouth.
I don’t want my suffering to romanticized, I don’t want my agony to be seen as a fairytale, I want it to be raw.
But now I am thriving, I am alive. My art was never during, it was born after