Have you ever wondered what this world would be like, without you? Lifeless and dead like you??Or the same as it was before, cold and cruel.With only hatred for people like me.Maybe i am wrong or maybe Not.Maybe i judged it all wrong with my myopic eyes and cluttered mind Or maybe i just could not look enough. Not Looked enough to see whether it was all a perception of my own dismantled thoughts,and my handicapped mentality that unwillingly forced me to frame an all wrong notion about the world i am living in, among the people i m struggling with, towards a future i m not ready to be a part of.What if everything that i have been doing is just a part of something thats never gonna happen.Something that was never in the bigger picture that the world hung upon the walls of my broken heart, only to stain it with my own blood.Maybe it wasnt merely a coincidence that all those wounds werent meant to be transformed into beautiful scars but painful memories to be remembered long after I m gone.Or maybe they were supposed to trigger the ache this world inflicted upon me , time and again which my dead and soul less body could no longer feel anymore.But sadly i was numb and oblivious to everything around, owing to my already non existent life.The world would always be the same, no matter you exist or not. Its gonna be there like it was , unperturbed by my death or yours or anyones'. It hardly makes any difference to the world whether u r alive or dead or in a totally third dimension.But for your own satisfaction, u can believe what you want. Whether the world would stop existing for a while or time would cease to mourn over your death. Its all upto you.You can believe in anything and everything that pleases you.Be it the sweetest lies or the ugliest truth. You are already dead so that just means nothing.You are investing in the wrong place, for the wrong people, all for the wrong reasons. Those eyes hiding behind the prettiest faces and honey coated words are myths you could never unravel.Though death might be the eternal truth,your family would be the only one devastated by your loss nevertheless sooner or later they too would learn to live without you.The birds would still chirp every morning and the dawn would still bring beautiful sunshine to your bedroom window, even in your absence. Your words may echoe in the house where you grew up but there wont be anyone to be yelled at now.And Teatime would be the only time , you would be missed But everyone would get used to this new life.Isn't it??
Lately someone asked me a question on quora- What did a medical professional tell you , that hurt you the most??
Medical professionals are supposed to help us , be it physically or psychologically. The irony being medical professionals are themselves psychologically abusing others esp their own colleaguesand students.
I am myself a medical professional and have been mentally abused(verbally and emotionally) by none other than my fellow colleagues and staffs. Yes…i have been a victim of workplace bullying, not just once but several times. Why???? Just because I am the brightest student in my college,everyone judges me. They accuse me of being arrogant and haughty and self centered. I am not at all disturbed by their assumption of who am I . What I am concerned is about living and teaching in a healthy environment , which i am quite certain no person would ever find in such a biased community. I am an Introvert, a proud INTJ.Its a bit difficult for people like me to open up among strangers and gossip about the worldly affairs. But I m certain, till date I hvent done any such thing to hurt anyone intentionally. I m different than the others. I m difficult to understand . But that doesnt give you the power to judge me and defame me, put false allegations about me and my attitude and my accent.Thats totally Unacceptable!! I was the College topper in 2 consecutive yrs in my college and also a University Rankholder once. I thought i would get appreciation for my achievements but alas! Everyone mocked at me. Not for my grades but my attitude. They had a problem with who I was. But I am who I am. I tried nor to react much to this, but there were plenty of incidents that put a blot on my name despite of me not having done anything wrong to them or anyone. I was verbally bullied by my staffs and friends for anything and everything i did or even when i didnrlt do anything.They had a problem with my introverted nature and lowkey, reserved life. Somehow 4 yrs passed , slipped from 1st to 2nd fr 2 years . Why??? Not because i scored less in my theory subjects but because of the partiality that prevailed there tp discourage me. And yes,i got discouraged infact i got myself back in the clutches of depression. Why would they or anyone care what depression was like? They never got into one. I was already a survivor of depression. It took me a long time and plethora of efforts to become who i was now. But why would the world understand the pain and sufferings and thoughts of a depressed person?? It happened after my final yr results, i got the 2nd rank by 2 marks. Yes..thts true !! The girl who topped by 2 marks was nowhere to be found until the final yr.Maybe she worked hard this time or maybe she just got Lucky this time.Who knows?? God has his plans, afterall. No one gave a shit about her, that she topped but everybody felt happy and celebrated that finally something broke my ego . Tht i didnt get the 1st rank just by 2 marks. Nothing could make them more happpy. I somehow consoled myself. I am a bit jealous type but thats a personality trait , i guess. I juat cannot let anyone surpass me and my achievements. I was always like this..so this wasnt an issue. What hurt me most was that she was the girlfriend of oneof my good friend. Thw whole time during our final year,she was with me. I didnt hate her but didnt like her much. Just because of my friend, i let her in . I helped both of them with everything i could. Be it physically in notes or practicals, or academically through discussions and doubt clearing sessions or emotionally through my consistent support and encouragement. I guess that was all in vain. Maybe i was the one who needed all those care and attention but i was a one man army, like one if my professors called me. I could be all by myself. My family was there , no doubt but everything cannorbe shared with them ,right. This was the thing that hurt me. After helping them out throughout the year,what i got in return was quite unexpected. I dont want anything in return from anyone except God. Atleast I deserve the fruits of my hardwork and toil. Maybe I was wrong to even expect this from God Himself. To add fuel to the fire burning inside me, they planned another event to embarass me , not among the college staff but among the public in general. It was to humiliate me in front of the entire people, they planned to give tge Best UG Award to her. Yes… u heard it right. She topped just once by 2 marks only to put soil to my name , for the last time. I was the top rank holder fr 2 yrs, then i got 2nd for another 2 yrs. Do i deserve this?? I want you to be the judge here. Is this justifiable?? All my well wishers( though a few batchmates and staffs) were extremely shocked and unhappy with this. They knew this wasnt fair. They pitied me and consoled me too that I was actually being mentally harassed by this act of theirs. Nevertheless, i kept my cool ( though I expressed my grief and agony through an indirect post towards all those who wronged me). It happened. It was all over now. I tried letting it go. I forgave myself and finally moved on. Things were somehow getting back to normalcy ,as I hoped, but as I told God has a different plan fr me. He just cannot see me happy , even for a second. Finally i thought my days of sufferings are about to get over now. Soon I will be off to my home after i get my Internship completion and my much awaited BDS degree. But then another incident took place. The truth shall prevail. The vice Dean , also the HOD of one of our department called us fr some signatures. I dont know what didi say wrong or what did i do wrong.This time even my posting mates pitied on me. I wasnt at fault at all. The vice dean and I already had a few bad encounters in the last 3 yrs. He used to tell everyone… I dont keep grudges against anyone. I forgive and forget. What a bullshit that was. Its an irony. Idk about others but he surely does hold grudges against me. I mean so much hatred for a student that he thought of mentally torturing me with shitty things. That very day, he revealed to me the truth. Thè truth that i deserved the Best UG award. That i actually was a good doctor. He said those very words himself. Everyone standing there were in shock. He stated that just because of this attitude of mine, i havent been awarded that title. Seriously!!! What the f***!! How could someone bring their personal grudges in front of professional matter?? Is it fair?? But again he started humiliating me and bad mouthed me by saying that I was arrogant and even after 5 yrs i havent changed a bit. That i am still haughty and have an attitude problem. I cried a lot. Do i deserve this ?? Again??? Why me??? I really dont understand what problem they have because of me,but it surely isnt right. Evrybody is born differently. They are built the way God wanted them to . You or me or are nobody to judge them. Not only one,there were other people too who hated me for their own stupid reasons or maybe for nothing. We cannot help them change their narcisstic and sadist behavior. Thats what happened with me, or is still happening with me.There are plenty of things that hurt me in one way or the other but i guess, we learn to live withit.We get stronger by every wave that throws up to the shore.We get colder and fragile too but that doesnt mean they have the right to dominate ober us and abuse us in any way.The world has never been kind to me…and to be honest, i never expected it to be. But its absolutely okay to be sensitive and respond to things your own way as long as you have the fire still burning inside you. Sooner or later you will achieve all you desire with the perseverance and hope that has been keeping you alive.
All this time I was living an illusion In àn illusion That the world loved me That everybody cared for me How crazy this heart must be To believe in yet another lie Another great illusion. An illusion Of the times i wanted to speak my heart out But had nobody to talk to An illusion of all the Unfortunate circumstances When my body wanted a hand Upon my insane head And my bare soul But none reached out. An illusion of all the unspoken words I wanted to scream But couldnt Only to protect my little dream. An illusion of acceptance that i belonged somewhere To someone Other than me that this ugly heart of mine Could actually beat relentlessly to know what true love felt like For once Just once. I was living an illusion That all those plastic faces Disguised as well wishers in pretense of care That they loved me loved me enough To never let go Of my beautiful mind Of my beautiful soul. An illusion To make sure I was convinced In every possible way That i too was loved and Never lost Never abandoned. To make me believe I had them That i was never alone. Oblivious to the fact That all this while I was living a lie The perfect one With a beautiful beginning And no end at all. An illusion that My soul lied to me When i trusted you That now the truth must be told To let me out of my confusion To let me out of my darkness.
All this time I was living an illusion In àn illusion That the world loved me That everybody cared for me How crazy this heart must be To believe in yet another lie Another great illusion. An illusion Of the times i wanted to speak my heart out But had nobody to talk to An illusion of all the Unfortunate circumstances When my body wanted a hand Upon my insane head And my bare soul But none reached out. An illusion of all the unspoken words I wanted to scream But couldnt Only to protect my little dream. An illusion of acceptance that i belonged somewhere To someone Other than me that this ugly heart of mine Could actually beat relentlessly to know what being loved felt like For once Just once. I was living an illusion That all those plastic faces Disguised as well wishers in pretense of care That they loved me loved me enough To never let go Of my beautiful mind Of my beautiful soul. An illusion To make sure I was convinced In every possible way That i too was loved and Never lost Never abandoned. To make me believe I had them That i was never alone. Oblivious to the fact That all this while I was living a lie The perfect one With a beautiful beginning With no end at all. In an illusion that My soul lied to me When i trusted you That the truth must be told To let me out of my confusion To let me out of my darkness.
Parting ways with someone maybe not a great deal for you but for us , emotional fools its like a battle we keep fighting with ourselves.
The more you try to grab control of your feelings, the harder it hits you back, the way a catapult targetted towards the sky finds its way back to your fingers , bruising them until you bleed.
Good times spent with someone flies in no time but the departure leaves behind a scar in your heart and mind altogether.
The parting moments are the worst pain which you can never get rid off.They are like those nightmares you never wished to dream of, but are desperate to flush out all of it out of your memory,all at once.
Who said you cannot communicate with other species. Infact I believe theres a special telepathic communication between two unrelated species. That which no two humans could share, that which no two living being of the same species can ever communicate with.That sacred language of love and belongingness , we cant imagine among our own ones.
Timsy and her yet to be born kids must be eagerly waiting for me , once i return back to my hostel.I too am excited to welcome her darling kids to our new world. Today while i was calling out her name to bid adiue ,she didnt respond to me. Initially i got mad at her but then i went to her myself to see if she was doing fine.She is heavy and weak and pale but i know she is healthy. She is pregnant with her beautiful babies. I know its hard but every mother goes through the same pain , and thats kind of a very sweet yet extremely painful feeling. She too was no different then. She tried to limp her way back to me but i understood her plight and gave her a few of her favourite biscuits. She denied having anything. I felt bad then i realized its her hormones speakig for her. I pampered her like never before. She was happy to no extent but then she flaunted her belly as if asking me to bless her kids, maybe i was too naive to underdtamd this gesture of her, or maybe intentionally i ignored her call.
There was an ache ,i could not bear when our eyes met for the last time.Was she scared or anxious or just sad? I felt a deep pain in my chest when i saw her trying hard to cover up her face from mine. Did she want me to touch her belly and have a chat with her yet to be born kids? Did she panick when she sensed i wont be there for her , anymore, when she needed me the most? Did she get lost in the uncertainties ,her life was about to face? Did she want me to take care of her when she needed a hand to caress her , pamper her?
I dont know, what was she thinking or what was happening between us. I just wanted to make her feel loved and cared for, just to make her feel worthy of all the beautiful things this life could offer her, that which she could possibly give back to her kids as well.
With a broken heart and a hope that i will play with her kids, i waved my last goodbye to her. I knew she wasn't prepared for this , neither was i .But life is quite uncertain and what is predestined will happen, no matter how much we try to change it, it just cannot. Life is such.
I dont know if i will get to see her ever again or her kids but One thing i m certain of is, She will live forever in my heart.
Sometimes you just dont know why things happen but they will happen anyway.this day is no special to me or you still i wouldn't mind acknowledging the importance it has to me. I wish to call this day the black day ,that i would never be able to forget ever in my life.last year, the same day i had to go through a difficult time that surely has left an indelible impact not only on my life in general but my mind in particular. Something unexpected, something terrible, something unforgettable, something unchangeable happened that completely changed my life for good, that gave me an ache that could never subside, that left me behind with regrets and regrets. People have bad days,they always do.But being His favourite child, I have always been specially treated. As I recaĺl, my mouth is suffocating on the words i couldnot breathe, as they lay dead on the tip of my lips, struggling hard to fall off , just one last time. Some pieces of broken dreams that I could no longer fix my life with. Heavy on my every sigh, i tried hard not to choke on the words they said to me, they yelled at me . Was it unintentional or their usual way to treat us Assumed antisocial beings? Was it our fault that He made us this complicated,that evn our very soul doesnt recognise us, that our mind keeps on doubting our every move, that we do need some validation from our own conscience.
Am I making any sense??
Maybe I am Not!! But I needed to do something drastic. I didn't go through all that for nothing. I will turn this anger into something beautiful. Something that lasts, that doesn't die with my soul.That stays with all the other beautiful things.that doesn't make me feel vulnerable to my own self. Sometimes its tragically dangerous to be right when everything around you is so wrong. What if you don't know how t9 deal with the people around you ,it hardly matters .There are humans everywhere infact too many of them....but there isn't any humanity left at all. But you, you are blessed because wyou have your way with words. You know nobody could snatch away that power from you.
Life has always been unfair to me, and this unending ocean of unelongingness and hopelessness has been my only achievement so far. the painful experiences aren't just past things to remember and laugh off they are the avalances that broke apart all the courage and strength i gathered for years, to move ahead , that now, they lay my heart barren and my memory soiled. that I could no longer discern , this threshold of despair is real or merely a figment of all my dismantled emotions , piled up through decades, not to be fluxed with agony and resentment but hope. that this awakening isn't a chance meeting with myself but an age old healing to process the obscured sorrows that came uninvited to my life. that this sense of abandonement and alienation isn't real but a hallucination, trapping me all the way, into another world. that all along i had been living in an idealised despair that sacred journey towards my inner being, untouched by darkness. towards an actual ghost i could never dare to fear again. towards a blurry vision, of watching myself burn a thousand times, to be reborn anew, every single time. towards the absolute truth that i too, deserve to be accepted with all my imperfections, that i too, deserve to feel worthy of my precious life, just for once. that i too deserve everything , other than this idealised despair.
Today's Challenge : 14th February 2020 HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
The Feast of Saint Valentine was established by Pope Gelasius I in AD 496 to be celebrated on February 14 in honour of the Christian martyr, Saint Valentine of Rome, who died on that date in AD 269. St Valentine's Day is an annual festival to celebrate romantic love, friendship and admiration. Every year on 14 February people celebrate this day by sending messages of love and affection to partners, family and friends.
Today finish this sentence "I love.. " in 14 lines. Each line should start with "I love" and should have 8 words.
If depression was alcohol , then I would be it's greatest addict. But there is no need to place an "if" since I've been drinking this same drink for years and years even before I knew it's name. My first glass was when the boy next door refused to take me out for prom night just because I refused to dress up nice and wanted to still go in my ripped jeans and tattered sneakers. What was so special about a party dress ? I still don't understand. His rejection hurt more than being judged for my looks . I was so innocent that one sip of heartbreak got me high. Everything became nothing but a blur, just me and my frustration I was venting it out like a madwoman , some on paper and rest on people. What's the big deal you said. But I was just a naive teen, how would I know?
Series of misfortunes and tragedies followed like you see in the movies but I just kept winning and...... drinking my sorrows behind closed doors lest someone sees me and calls me a drama queen. And that's when life took a toll on me and I had no other option but to quit and switch to something new . A fresh glass of ....... me , for you see , I kept losing a part of myself in each and every phase of misery. You may see my outer layer but if you ever looked into my eyes, you wouldn't find the presence of my soul. I replace hatred and anger with love , acceptance and confidence and gulp it down. It may take some more time but I can see the changes ,pieces of me smile at my reflection in the glass and I know I can be saved . Drink or not, I can be saved.