Is it silly to be sad about things you'd known will never happen?
Them walking on their roof watering their plants , you instantly looking their way and they smile, them calling you from their balcony requesting you to show your drawing, Someone you'd never cared for ,call you wishing you on some special occasions,despite not ever being there?
Silly I guess it is. Trying to keep hopes down, trying not to expect,knowing it'll be futile. Trying to forget promises that had been made. Its nothing special just a day,you say.I agree.
Silly as to how those words, and your expectations come back to take a toll on your fragile soul.
It angers me when one says don't be angry and goes on to explicitly state a perfect reason to be so. Had you cared enough wouldn't it be different. Had it bothered much, things would have been taken care of, but no.
*I want no gestures grand, but remember I won't be yours to reprimand.*
There are always times when the mind urges to go to the comfort zone, seek familiarity, but the will urges against it all, the conflict leads to confusion, and drains emotions. Being a support is great but when one happens to be the pillar with nothing to fall back on, the mind loses all motivation, the will its strength and one can't help but slump as a small voice, the conscience urges them to not give up,things look down, as one closes their eyes, hoping to rise once again and strong.
Travelling to me has never been wary,its just a part of the process,the process of reaching your destination, and quite a necessary part per say. It was my time to relax,loosen up and enjoy the view. But now things have me worrying, caring,cautious.Its perhaps the reason as to why things are in notice much. Idk if it common but the day has me worried. Here is why:
* I fell out of my bed, that's how I woke up this morning. * Caught a bus and almost slipped at the gate. * While getting down from the bus, was almost hit by a bike( my instincts I believe were my savior). * Standing on the train I can't help but worry for the ones standing at the gate.
Idk , if its a tell an indication to be careful, or just a series of near unfortunate events occurring at random. I'm scared if its a precursor to something, or a small picture of a bigger picture.
Things have been abrupt and I'm shaken, surprised and left anxious as to what next.
I bet I'd be more terrified to see a person miss a step as the walk than being chased by an eight eyed dodo.
I'd never seen someone I know die upfront,nor had seen them after they passed ,until today and he was my teacher.
Its sad to see people break down.It was sad to see as to how his sons wouldn't come down from the balcony to see their father or his wife who wasn't there to bid her husband a goodbye. It was heartbreaking to see his mother cry and harder to see him that way, as people cried for him, chanted the name of the lord for his fair passages to the land beyond this life.
I felt sad, but couldn't cry.I saw others wobble and sob some took pictures, which to me was quite offensive, the person had laughed for days, joked for years with hundreds and there were selected pictures to commemorate those golden moments, here they stood instead taking pictures of the day he wasn't him.
I saw people I'd known, I saw people I'd seen ,one stood apart, just like me couldn't cry. We perhaps looked like brats the outspoken ,detached people, but believe me that it hurt no less .
Crowd followed the fallen like the bees around flower,just that there was no buzz instead sobs filled the air.
It was eerie to be that sad on this beautiful a day,the sky all blue with the feathery clouds dotting the sky..
"Hum chaley ,hum chaley Ram chandra ji", is the song playing on my TV as I sit writing this, mind you its a random singing program and a random choice of songs playing quite incidentally.
One week . A week long holiday. One drawing. Two eventful occurrences. News of four deaths. A few stories read. Seven days.
I guess you stopped to think for a second there.
I passed by their house,in the water logged street, watching his mum shopping for groceries from her balcony ,little was she aware of the melancholy that was to befall them sometime soon. But little was I aware, too busy giving his CCTV camera a weird look as I passed by thinking to stop by soon and greet him.It had been a while since we'd conversed. My results were out and I wanted him to know.
I don't know what it is with me being unable to inform my teachers of my results and incidentally they mostly die. ~ " I'm scared." He'd said."Sorry to suddenly initiate the conversation,but I'm scared."
The friend of a friend had lost his life to an accident.He was worried,anxious,overthinking,unable to help or do anything but share what he felt.
He was right in stating that- accidents could happen to anyone ,anywhere, costing them their life, leaving their loved ones alone. ~ The father of a friend lost his life to prolonged illness, while the uncle of another lost to cancer. ~ Sudden perhaps not, nonetheless a loss. ~ My mum on knowing of the neighbors death, called her friend to ease her worry, share her feelings, but here I sit, numb to feelings. Condolences have been mentioned as has been loss but none from the heart. The mind has accepted the news, the heart still refusing to catch up as always, sometime it'll hit me like a brick and I'll fall apart, like the multiple times before.
-I remember crying on the bus when I'd seen a lady quite resembling my first teacher, who'd died months ago because of cancer. It was there and then that my heart had caught up and I'd sobbed uncontrollably,a mess.
-I remember hearing of my paternal grandfathers death, a person I'd never met or known, but weeks later I'd wept realizing that I'd never know him,nor would he know or hear from me, it was someone unknown yet lost.
-A simple text from my ever absent father had informed me about the passing of my paternal grandmother, and weeks later while on my way to a tuition, I'd sobbed realizing that she was lost, unknown yet I felt willing to have known them.
-I can't help but think back to the unfortunate event at school where a student had lost his life and it had been weeks until I'd felt like myself.The memories still haunt me, the melancholy still shadows my memories.
All of these news and information, secondary knowledge, still shakes me from within, and makes me sad.I'm terrified as to what'll happen when I come face to face with death.
Will I be numb to emotions as I usually am waiting for it to hit me later ,or will I completely shut down for days to come.I can only wonder.
I'd accidentally killed a hatching lizard, and been guilty of it for weeks, and it was sad and guilty, the thought of losing a loved one is utterly terrifying.
I'd remember these people and as to how I heard of their passing,I'd probably still be friends with them on facebook. Feel a pang of longing as I'd sit scrolling though their social media profile,knowing that they weren't there, so there'd be no updates only memories, Facebook a painful reminder.
I'd probably speak of then in the present tense until my heart accepts that they were no more. Some day I'd sit down and weep for the loss, accept it and move on. Guess that's how life moves on, at least, that's what poets,authors and storytellers say.
But I wonder as to how this week changed me as a person. I hope that I'd live my life to the fullest , a little better, a little more recklessly , in a more fulfilling way, smiling a little more, living a little more, pretending to be a bit stronger and unaffected to weird occurrences, all for my mum.
Just the last few hours made me re-think as to what was my motivation in life and it's the will to be able to support and well provide for my loved ones, while my dreams included, things, thus there goes the bucket list:
- to attend a BTS ,PATD ,TOP concert and meet them. -publish my own book. -be an artist ,a professional one at that. -own an apartment and a car and cycle. -take my mum places. -have my own library. -visit Egypt, Russia, Korea and Japan. -own a Porsche (idk what it is with those cars but I adore them). -learn mixed martial arts. -have a snowball fight. -go on a late night walk. -speak multiple languages.
Perhaps I'd evaluate the life I live a bit more from now on.
People say that souls lurk on the Earth before departing to heaven or hell, after their death.
People also say that people have this ominous feeling before they die.
Grim reapers are said to be present to reap the living and guide their soul.
It's often mentioned that souls are eternal.
They might get attached to things,objects of affection, people ,places,memories.
Sometimes they communicate via dreams. Sometimes become apparitions.
Unfulfilled wishes, incomplete jobs might hold souls back from moving on, causing them to lurk to haunt.
Everyone has to eventually die someday.Every thing that began will have to come to an end.That's the way of the world we belong to.
~ Its hard to speak and express,writing it down and anonymously at that, is easier, a relief.It makes getting all personal and honest a bit simpler.
This heart to heart will remain here a reminder of all that I had to say,but didn't ,just pretending to be uneffected and a brat on the outside.
~ If you've read this far, tell me if you've ever felt something similar, if my words resonated with something you have ever felt.