perfectly broken ��

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  • kottak 1w

    You and him.

    If I made a list of all the men who took a part of me that I will never recover ,he would be at the top and you would be at the bottom. He taught me everything I knew about destruction and pain. He taught me that I truly could crumble at the sound of ones words. He taught me that loving someone gives them the power to wipe someone out completely. He took the first piece of my heart. He taught me that men should buy flowers and open car doors and always show up when they say they will. He taught me that people who love each other go to extreme measures to not lose the other. He taught me that parts of me weren't okay. He taught me that I should cover up and not talk too much to other boys he taught me what it was like to not feel good enough for the first time. He taught me what it was like to miss the sound of someone's voice. To miss their smell and their touch. To miss someone so desperately. He taught me what it was like to learn to live without a piece of myself. He taught me the feeling of having my heart ripped and wanting to die because it felt like i had. He taught me to walk away with my head high because I was worth it. Oh the things he taught me are lessons I will never forget. But you. You are at the bottom. You took the last piece. You taught me that another could calm my storm. You taught me that it was okay to be 100 percent me all.the time. You taught me it was okay to love you. To give everything for that destruction again . You taught me how to let ALL of my walls downs. To go the lengths for another. You taught me that tears don't actually stop. That breathing is hard when you walk in room. You taught me that no matter how much I tried you weren't going too love me. You taught me how to find my voice while losing some of my worth. You taught me that your arms were a fortress and nothing bad could happen to me there. You taught me I wasnt the only one who thought that. You taught me that I'll never recover from that piece and you'll never give it back. You taught me to always remember while you forget. You and him are not the same. Yet you both have pieces of me that never grew back. That I look for in open spaces and heart ache. You both taught me the essence of destruction and pain . Except only one of you know that. He taught me what being loved felt like. You taught me what is was like to need someone like I need oxygen. You and him and the lessons I've learned.

  • kottak 2w


    I didnt mean it. I didnt mean any of it. Because if I was just pretending it's okay that everyone leaves. They enter all wide eyed and interested because my alluring smile is the same as the song of a siren. You all must be dying because you enter my life like I've captured you and then you're gone. I assume it's when the song ends . When it turns into a blood churning scream. When it's not about you. When tears turn angry in seconds. Is that what you can't handle. You can't handle when the mask is pulled off and the monster is revealed. You can't handle that I carve out pieces of myself and hand them out to makes others whole all while still smiling ? That I am not allowed to have emotions ,bad day,an opinion a voice louder than an atomic bomb. Please explain it to me. But I was just pretending. Luring you all to some catastrophic end because the reality of everyone leaving is to hard to handle. No amount of sad songs or tears or random.men can account from the scars that are left because everyone leaves. You wonder why the siren sing? To get what they want and that's the same reason I smile. The end is always the same. You will leave. The screams keep them at bay but someone is always to curious or has a point to prove..so yes I am pretending.i never loved anyone of you. Cause the alternative that I'll love all you Forever is too much . So I'll sing my song because everyone leaves.

  • kottak 4w

    Another one for you.

    And I walk out into the darkness of night, millions of stars illuminating my path. I want to scream but starlingly the neighbors at this hour would solve nothing. So I stop in my tracks. I look up and fall to my knees to write another one for you. Another sob story. Another aching heart. For a person who sleeps soundly next to somebody else. For another person who only realizes your worth when it compliments them. For another person who has cried oceans for someone who will never even feel a pot hole for them. For another person who we told ourselves loves us the best way they know how. For another person whose abuse we have justified to even ourselves. Well tonight I say this one is too many. The ones screaming in pain deserve release. Those who are doomed to love more than we will ever receive to which will turn us wicked. Tonight I say you and me its enough. Let them go. I will love those until my death but they cannot have their hands wrapped around my throat any longer because I am dying. I am turning wicked. I am alone crying oceans and begging for peace to the point that the darkness surrounds and its welcomed with a devious grin. Tonight is one too many of us who feel every sting of every emotions while someone else invalidates us. Tonight is too many and never enough of star gazing nights that remind us we are more than enough and their will always be another you around the corner. How do we survive ? Hand in hand. Without letting the wickedness win, without becoming another person poetry or end. We survive because the world burns without people who cry for those who will never even know us or remember us. We survive because our hearts are meant to love people in their brokenness. We are loved. The another person tends to make us forget but I am here to tell you. We don't have to turn wick. We do not have to be the people who explode others into pieces. We can be those who glue the world together. Try not to be another one tonight in someone else's story. Be the person who lit the way . Be the beginning. The hand to someone when they are down , the embrace of a friend in tears, the reason a child is laughing and the purpose of one person living because you did not let another one turn you wicked tonight. Be the most thankful because your pain is experience. All of our hearts need mending and the smile from stranger can mean life or death. Tonight is too many.

  • kottak 4w

    I often wonder if the sadness of missing you will ever go away. If your presence in a room will stop bringing a smile to face. If I will ever be strong enough to resist a night spent in your bed. Pretending. I wonder most if I am ever gonna stop loving you.

  • kottak 7w

    I don't know anymore.

    I suppose I could blame it on the night or the up coming cycle of red. The world burning down and fear in everyone eyes. I could make excuses of staring down monster in their prime. I can even say it was just today, the montage of sad songs that played on repeat as the clouds floated across the sky, but even the dog could sense it in the air. How I had changed. How something inside of me remained broken. But hadn't it always been broken ? My emotions churning in my stomach and questioning why I even try to atone my sins. Why I don't turn on the news and why i am stuck in the middle of a war . Living in a society where you must choose a side but I am trying to refuse. But how do I follow the one rule of love everyone when I question my own worth ? When I use people to spark something inside of me when I feel like I am dying. I hold more counseling session in a week about self destruction and self worth then most people will ever hear in a life time and I am not a psychologist. I have to hold the hands of people that society has thrown away because kindness I've conceived myself will solve everything or at least help me sleep at night. My thoughts race , my anxiety rises because I do not hold the answers and my honest opinion usually leaves feelings hurt. Because I stand behind the thin blue line of those who chose to risk their lives for someone else sake. Who are task deal with people who are in their chaos and if you never seen someone in their chaos you dont get it. When light goes off in someone eyes. When you questions if you'll make it home, while some 3 times you size is screaming hatred at you. I breathe in and listen. The chaos eventually slows but I walk away shaking everytime. My heart bleeds for the hero's who kissed their children goodbye for the last time and a folded flag is all they get in return. But I stand with those who have been abused by the badge because someone forget why they were wearing it. I stand with the victims of every hate crime and discrimination, every person who has felt unsafe walking or driving their own car. Whether it's driving while black, wearing a turban on an airplane, being Chinese in a pandemic, or of the wrong gender in the wrong outfit too late night. Are we not all victims with a story tell. Growing up in with a silver spoon in our mouth or going hungry to bed every night we all have choice. We all have options. We all have failed. Given a task: love everyone as I have loved you. Why do we find that so hard to comprehend. Why do we justify loving one and not the other. We all bleed red. We all shed tears. We are all children of God. Lay down your hate. Lay down your thoughts of suicide, homicide , genocide. Let them go. Someone else has already paid the price. No one else has to. Someone already gave their Son for your life and mine. I am pleading with your soul not your emotions that turn in the night like mine. Think twice before you let evil come out of your mouth. Don't let it win today. He has already won the war of our brokenness. Let Him it carry it. We don't have to cheer on our champion because I know He has already won. Evil will be in the hearts of men always. It will be in our streets, lurking for a prey but if we are busy giving up our hate then evil wins a little less everyday.

  • kottak 8w

    Difference of opinions

    I need someone to explain it to me because I just can't comprehend how defunding the police keeps anyone safe ? Who will sign up to take a bullet for you and me with no equipment , less training, and a salary that doesnt feed a family ? When some else crashes into your car, who will take the report ? When a drunk drives kills your child who will make the arrest? When a man breaks into your home and steals your children who will go look for them? When your home is burglarized or your robbed a gun point who will come ? When a office building is shot up or another night club who will come? When a girl walks home alone and some brutalize her, who will make sure he doesnt do it again ? Our system is flawed no doubt . Some cops are bad and systemic racism occurs everyday. People are profiled. Lives our lost. Lives are changed forever. Mistakes are made that can never be apologized for. But Who is paying for those body cams with deceased police budgets? A world without cops is chaos and always looking over our shoulder. Fear is what we all run these days. Fear of the cops. Cops afraid to pull.the trigger or make a choice because of society. Fear of dying because of color and fear of the world burning . There are bad people in every profession. We have a sin issue. An evil issue. Not a cop issue. Police brutality is an evil. Things our society needs to function: public schools, hospitals, prisons, military, factors, grocery stores etc. We dont stop sending our kids to school when teachers abuse children. We do not stop going to hospital when doctors take lives on purpose or because of neglect..we don't let murders and rapist out when corrections officer use excessive force we don not stop calling the police when we need them because of crime when war crimes occur we still fund the military because of things like 9/11. When mass shooting take place at grocery stores or people run their cars through them we still go. So please tell me how less police is a good thing ? Educate them. Train them. Make the process harder to wear that badge. Community policing fund that. Outreach programs for children and the police fund it. But dont forget when officers take off that uniform they are human and bleed like we do. Mothers. Brother. Aunts. Uncles. Wives. Husband. Moms. Dads. Children of God. Educate us all. Teach us how to love again. But riding a whole system because of one or 100 out of 100000 seems a bit rash dont you think ? Difference of opinions I guess or maybe its privilege and I can't see it. Maybe my understanding of the movements is wrong or I jump to conclusions when I hear the word. Educate me. Or maybe its something different that we are all missing. I just don't get it.

  • kottak 10w

    Let's talk

    Let's talk about it. Lets discuss difference of opinions and the culture we have established. Let's look at the facts. I am privileged. A white female I know this. My life is inherently easier because of my face. My gender has its own struggles but lets talk about colors. I still start sweating and keep my.hands on the steering wheel when I am pulled over I dont make sudden moves because that's what I was taught. I respect authority even when they are wrong because that's what I was taught. But I do not fear getting pulled over because of my color
    .I dont fear being profiled. I do not know what is like to grow up in proverty and drugs on ever corner. I do not know what's it like to have most things against me. I do know what it's like to run to my car in the middle of the night. To be wiry of men I do not know. To fear someone because of their gender. I do know what's like to be riducled for my outfit and blamed when I am the victim.Some one please tell me when violence has ever changed anything?! Violence breeds violence. How many wars have we faught? How many riots have caused changed? How many more people dying and being injured have ever changed anything? How many martyrs have effected "thier cause" positively. Violence breeds fear and angry. People die when they have the finger on the trigger because of either. Lets talk about it. We have the right to protest when injustice happens because it does every day. We have the right to protect ourselves in our homes. We have the right to educate ourselves to make difference. We have the right to change the culture we live in and to learn from our mistakes.But we DO NOT have the right to riot and insight chaos. We DO NOT have the right to start fires and throw rocks through windows and loot stores because someone tell me how any of that is shedding light on our issues? How any of that bring glory to those who have lost their lives at the hand of someone who feared them based on color? How does not letting ambulance through that carry infants shed light on innocents dying ? Explain it to me because I do understand how shooting each other during these riots bring awareness to the public. How shouting fuck the police because they made a mistake. The police are HUMAN. we as society cannot burn down building and condemn entire groups of people based on the mistakes of a few. When a school teacher rapes a student we do not burn do then school or stop sending our children . When a doctor causes harm we do not burn down hospitals or refuse to go when we need help. Just like we do not stop calling the police when we are the victims or need them. When lives our lost we have to educate ourselves and stand for those who lost a voice. But someone please talk to me about how this is gonna bring change because from an outsider view the hate is spreading and the problem is increasing. We dividing even more because we do not have the answer. The system is broken it will not be fixed by fires and blood shed. It will not change over night. Fear will always run deep but love has to run deeper. We as a society need to turn to one another and forgive , trust rebuild. Right now , the whole world is just gonna burn. Let's talk about it.

  • kottak 11w

    ABC of tonight

    A summer night used to fix it all
    Billions of stars in the sky
    Crickets and bull frogs in the background
    Dogs barking at things I cant see Euphoria is how I used to feel
    Frankly I don't know when it changed
    Getting that alone feeling might be why
    How did I let it get this bad?
    I used to hide the pain so well
    Just a friendly smile and nothing more
    Killing myself slowly because I hid it.
    Loneliness is my enemy and tempter
    My life, when did it get turn upside down.
    Nodding off in the arms of someone else
    Oh how I miss them. All of them
    Perhaps everyone feels like this with age
    Quietness killing all of us. Maybe it's me.
    Rest assure I will get my peace back
    Settling for lack luster love got me here
    Tonight I focus of higher healing and love
    Unleashed emotions and I do not care
    Versions of my life play on repeat
    Why tonight
    Xenodochial if i was only friendly to me
    You were always my saving grace
    Zoo of emotions flow through me
    The ABC's of tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will be full of new adjectives and people. As I remember that I have been given the greatest love and I have a purpose.

  • kottak 13w

    Self improvement

    I told myself it was improvement but it was denial. The truth I speak to others is undeniable but the lies I've told myself are the only thing I believe hence why its denial and not improvement. I could stand on a platform advocating for mental health awareness, sexuality, confidence, religion, faith , trust . When I step off that platform and look inward on my life I dont even know where to begin. I shout seek help and no shame in fighting the monster in your head when I can't even tell my own mom that I've called in 6 times this year to work because I couldn't get out bed. I cant not tell her that depression is my bestfriend. I cant allow her to read my poetry because sucide is a common trend. I have used my sexuality to get what i want and to hide the pain of everyday. I've smiled and flirted my way I to things and acted ignorant to all of it. I have more confidence than most because I have been called every name in the book. Religion and faith are not the same thing. I have faith in God but I do not need a church to feel him. Let's all just laugh out the subject of trust because from where I am standing unless it's an animal I do not trust it . Be weary of all is kinda my anthem. Self improvement nah self denial more like it.

  • kottak 14w

    Tonight I feel like I am going to erupt. Smother those in my reach with volcanic ash and burn others who are way too close . Remove everything from my path because tonight makes tomorrow seems so far away. Tomorrow seems impossible and I don't want a tomorrow like tonight. How many times do you have to walk out of my door for me to learn a lesson? How many people must I destroy on your account. How many times do I have to erupt. When will I say enough. Tonight I have no control and lava drips out of me and I let it . Taking out innocents who were admiring my beauty. They'll learn the first time. However I never do. I am cracked and red from all the scars and hate that flows through me and the only person I have to blame is me.