perfectly broken ��

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  • kottak 14w

    I don't know anymore.

    I suppose I could blame it on the night or the up coming cycle of red. The world burning down and fear in everyone eyes. I could make excuses of staring down monster in their prime. I can even say it was just today, the montage of sad songs that played on repeat as the clouds floated across the sky, but even the dog could sense it in the air. How I had changed. How something inside of me remained broken. But hadn't it always been broken ? My emotions churning in my stomach and questioning why I even try to atone my sins. Why I don't turn on the news and why i am stuck in the middle of a war . Living in a society where you must choose a side but I am trying to refuse. But how do I follow the one rule of love everyone when I question my own worth ? When I use people to spark something inside of me when I feel like I am dying. I hold more counseling session in a week about self destruction and self worth then most people will ever hear in a life time and I am not a psychologist. I have to hold the hands of people that society has thrown away because kindness I've conceived myself will solve everything or at least help me sleep at night. My thoughts race , my anxiety rises because I do not hold the answers and my honest opinion usually leaves feelings hurt. Because I stand behind the thin blue line of those who chose to risk their lives for someone else sake. Who are task deal with people who are in their chaos and if you never seen someone in their chaos you dont get it. When light goes off in someone eyes. When you questions if you'll make it home, while some 3 times you size is screaming hatred at you. I breathe in and listen. The chaos eventually slows but I walk away shaking everytime. My heart bleeds for the hero's who kissed their children goodbye for the last time and a folded flag is all they get in return. But I stand with those who have been abused by the badge because someone forget why they were wearing it. I stand with the victims of every hate crime and discrimination, every person who has felt unsafe walking or driving their own car. Whether it's driving while black, wearing a turban on an airplane, being Chinese in a pandemic, or of the wrong gender in the wrong outfit too late night. Are we not all victims with a story tell. Growing up in with a silver spoon in our mouth or going hungry to bed every night we all have choice. We all have options. We all have failed. Given a task: love everyone as I have loved you. Why do we find that so hard to comprehend. Why do we justify loving one and not the other. We all bleed red. We all shed tears. We are all children of God. Lay down your hate. Lay down your thoughts of suicide, homicide , genocide. Let them go. Someone else has already paid the price. No one else has to. Someone already gave their Son for your life and mine. I am pleading with your soul not your emotions that turn in the night like mine. Think twice before you let evil come out of your mouth. Don't let it win today. He has already won the war of our brokenness. Let Him it carry it. We don't have to cheer on our champion because I know He has already won. Evil will be in the hearts of men always. It will be in our streets, lurking for a prey but if we are busy giving up our hate then evil wins a little less everyday.

  • kottak 15w

    Difference of opinions

    I need someone to explain it to me because I just can't comprehend how defunding the police keeps anyone safe ? Who will sign up to take a bullet for you and me with no equipment , less training, and a salary that doesnt feed a family ? When some else crashes into your car, who will take the report ? When a drunk drives kills your child who will make the arrest? When a man breaks into your home and steals your children who will go look for them? When your home is burglarized or your robbed a gun point who will come ? When a office building is shot up or another night club who will come? When a girl walks home alone and some brutalize her, who will make sure he doesnt do it again ? Our system is flawed no doubt . Some cops are bad and systemic racism occurs everyday. People are profiled. Lives our lost. Lives are changed forever. Mistakes are made that can never be apologized for. But Who is paying for those body cams with deceased police budgets? A world without cops is chaos and always looking over our shoulder. Fear is what we all run these days. Fear of the cops. Cops afraid to pull.the trigger or make a choice because of society. Fear of dying because of color and fear of the world burning . There are bad people in every profession. We have a sin issue. An evil issue. Not a cop issue. Police brutality is an evil. Things our society needs to function: public schools, hospitals, prisons, military, factors, grocery stores etc. We dont stop sending our kids to school when teachers abuse children. We do not stop going to hospital when doctors take lives on purpose or because of neglect..we don't let murders and rapist out when corrections officer use excessive force we don not stop calling the police when we need them because of crime when war crimes occur we still fund the military because of things like 9/11. When mass shooting take place at grocery stores or people run their cars through them we still go. So please tell me how less police is a good thing ? Educate them. Train them. Make the process harder to wear that badge. Community policing fund that. Outreach programs for children and the police fund it. But dont forget when officers take off that uniform they are human and bleed like we do. Mothers. Brother. Aunts. Uncles. Wives. Husband. Moms. Dads. Children of God. Educate us all. Teach us how to love again. But riding a whole system because of one or 100 out of 100000 seems a bit rash dont you think ? Difference of opinions I guess or maybe its privilege and I can't see it. Maybe my understanding of the movements is wrong or I jump to conclusions when I hear the word. Educate me. Or maybe its something different that we are all missing. I just don't get it.

  • kottak 17w

    Let's talk

    Let's talk about it. Lets discuss difference of opinions and the culture we have established. Let's look at the facts. I am privileged. A white female I know this. My life is inherently easier because of my face. My gender has its own struggles but lets talk about colors. I still start sweating and keep my.hands on the steering wheel when I am pulled over I dont make sudden moves because that's what I was taught. I respect authority even when they are wrong because that's what I was taught. But I do not fear getting pulled over because of my color
    .I dont fear being profiled. I do not know what is like to grow up in proverty and drugs on ever corner. I do not know what's it like to have most things against me. I do know what it's like to run to my car in the middle of the night. To be wiry of men I do not know. To fear someone because of their gender. I do know what's like to be riducled for my outfit and blamed when I am the victim.Some one please tell me when violence has ever changed anything?! Violence breeds violence. How many wars have we faught? How many riots have caused changed? How many more people dying and being injured have ever changed anything? How many martyrs have effected "thier cause" positively. Violence breeds fear and angry. People die when they have the finger on the trigger because of either. Lets talk about it. We have the right to protest when injustice happens because it does every day. We have the right to protect ourselves in our homes. We have the right to educate ourselves to make difference. We have the right to change the culture we live in and to learn from our mistakes.But we DO NOT have the right to riot and insight chaos. We DO NOT have the right to start fires and throw rocks through windows and loot stores because someone tell me how any of that is shedding light on our issues? How any of that bring glory to those who have lost their lives at the hand of someone who feared them based on color? How does not letting ambulance through that carry infants shed light on innocents dying ? Explain it to me because I do understand how shooting each other during these riots bring awareness to the public. How shouting fuck the police because they made a mistake. The police are HUMAN. we as society cannot burn down building and condemn entire groups of people based on the mistakes of a few. When a school teacher rapes a student we do not burn do then school or stop sending our children . When a doctor causes harm we do not burn down hospitals or refuse to go when we need help. Just like we do not stop calling the police when we are the victims or need them. When lives our lost we have to educate ourselves and stand for those who lost a voice. But someone please talk to me about how this is gonna bring change because from an outsider view the hate is spreading and the problem is increasing. We dividing even more because we do not have the answer. The system is broken it will not be fixed by fires and blood shed. It will not change over night. Fear will always run deep but love has to run deeper. We as a society need to turn to one another and forgive , trust rebuild. Right now , the whole world is just gonna burn. Let's talk about it.

  • kottak 17w

    ABC of tonight

    A summer night used to fix it all
    Billions of stars in the sky
    Crickets and bull frogs in the background
    Dogs barking at things I cant see Euphoria is how I used to feel
    Frankly I don't know when it changed
    Getting that alone feeling might be why
    How did I let it get this bad?
    I used to hide the pain so well
    Just a friendly smile and nothing more
    Killing myself slowly because I hid it.
    Loneliness is my enemy and tempter
    My life, when did it get turn upside down.
    Nodding off in the arms of someone else
    Oh how I miss them. All of them
    Perhaps everyone feels like this with age
    Quietness killing all of us. Maybe it's me.
    Rest assure I will get my peace back
    Settling for lack luster love got me here
    Tonight I focus of higher healing and love
    Unleashed emotions and I do not care
    Versions of my life play on repeat
    Why tonight
    Xenodochial if i was only friendly to me
    You were always my saving grace
    Zoo of emotions flow through me
    The ABC's of tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will be full of new adjectives and people. As I remember that I have been given the greatest love and I have a purpose.

  • kottak 19w

    Self improvement

    I told myself it was improvement but it was denial. The truth I speak to others is undeniable but the lies I've told myself are the only thing I believe hence why its denial and not improvement. I could stand on a platform advocating for mental health awareness, sexuality, confidence, religion, faith , trust . When I step off that platform and look inward on my life I dont even know where to begin. I shout seek help and no shame in fighting the monster in your head when I can't even tell my own mom that I've called in 6 times this year to work because I couldn't get out bed. I cant not tell her that depression is my bestfriend. I cant allow her to read my poetry because sucide is a common trend. I have used my sexuality to get what i want and to hide the pain of everyday. I've smiled and flirted my way I to things and acted ignorant to all of it. I have more confidence than most because I have been called every name in the book. Religion and faith are not the same thing. I have faith in God but I do not need a church to feel him. Let's all just laugh out the subject of trust because from where I am standing unless it's an animal I do not trust it . Be weary of all is kinda my anthem. Self improvement nah self denial more like it.

  • kottak 20w

    Tonight I feel like I am going to erupt. Smother those in my reach with volcanic ash and burn others who are way too close . Remove everything from my path because tonight makes tomorrow seems so far away. Tomorrow seems impossible and I don't want a tomorrow like tonight. How many times do you have to walk out of my door for me to learn a lesson? How many people must I destroy on your account. How many times do I have to erupt. When will I say enough. Tonight I have no control and lava drips out of me and I let it . Taking out innocents who were admiring my beauty. They'll learn the first time. However I never do. I am cracked and red from all the scars and hate that flows through me and the only person I have to blame is me.

  • kottak 22w

    And I'll never understand how to escape your death grip. I willingly stay while your hand is around my throat when you loosen your grip I sometimes move away so I can breath and the other days I am the one holding your hand there. I dont know when I gave you so much control but when I figure out how to get it back you'll be good as dead.

  • kottak 23w


    Its seeps out of her skin like a slow gas leak awaiting for someone innocent to light the explosion. Only then when she has taken down a city block will people notice that she has been spiraling for months. Slowly and silently she walked passed them with it violence, dread, anguish, exhaustion, misery all seeping out of her pores. She is cast as the bad guy when the explosion goes off. The boom can be heard for miles. The gas company coulda of stopped the leak no one felt the dizziness until blood was running down the streets. No one realized that what damage a gas leak can do when it goes unnoticed. The violence that was heard from her vocally cords ring in people's ears to this day. The feel the toxicity now , they see the gas and all she wants is to be invisible again like the gas. The blood that runs down the street is hers. The home that blew up was hers. She self destructived from in the inside out and you cannot piece back together a gas explosion it annihilates everything in its path . All you can is rebuild and everytime the past the site of the explosion she will be cast as the bad guy when she was leaking and no one tried to stop it. She turns the gas off , wraps her body in bandages, silences her ears from the judgement and tries to hold on to what is left. To the girl leaking. I am sorry I didnt notice. To the site of my own explosion i am sorry i didnt call the gas company. To the future ones who are leaking make the call .

  • kottak 23w

    Movie clips

    I am lost in my world of memories, longing for the touch of the past, dreading the current and unable to think about the future. They always say missing people comes in waves well mine come in movie clips. With every innocent conversation just enough to keep me interested they flood back. It's never just a preview of what was. It's the whole damn movie. Always ending in same tragedy but I always hit replay like the ending will be different this time. I will be enough this time. Every innocent hello leaves me in tears when the sun goes down. The end is always my heart strung out and my veins bleeding. I've watched the same version of the same movie for 10 years. Some years i have casted a new lead other years i recycle old leads but always the same tragedy. Shaking , pale, and really thinking I could die from heartbreak. The end of the movie plays out my insecurities so well that it's the only thing I remember. The what i did wrong. I blocked his phone number and I thought about him all day long because he wasn't at work when I got there. I left work and there was another harmless man who had taken my heart and knew it. Each word he spoke came laced with venom but I listened anyways. The same story the same ending. What the hell is wrong with me? I am in control of the screen play is what I tell myself but I am not. The instant connection you feel with someone , the moment they take your breath away, the moment time stops and boom the movie begins. I lose myself everytime in loving the wrong people. I usually end up questioning my sanity. Loneliness creeps in and I reach for an old lead why? Because alone is the scariest place for me to be. I try new techniques and cast the actors with less expectations and beg them to finish the movie. How did I become so lost when it's my screenplay? When I write the story. Why is the ending always me loving so much more. Tonight my movie clips are relentless and the popcorn is stale. They end the same and they are all on repeat. Save me from another romantic horror show that is my life

  • kottak 24w

    Its been awhile

    Its been more than minute since the darkness overwhelmed me and imaginary weights tied me to my bed. It's been more than a day since my mind has turned on itself. Its months since i wrote about sucide or my overwhelming depression. But today my heart is heavy. My legs feel like they weigh 1000 pounds each and I cannot walk. My mind races and i pray for peace. I kept you at bay for so long that the dam breaks with a single breeze. By now I've shoulda given you name because we spend some much time talking that it seems insane I dont have a name for you. You are crippling, breaking every one of my walls down to flood my strengths and float my insecurities to safety. Oh my depression. A life long friend. Please go away