Three months. I know I mustn't entertain and glorify this thing by writing to you but right now, I don't see anything else. There were many things I'd been thinking of before writing this. Now they're all vague. So let's talk about this month. This has been worse. I witnessed high mood swings which were gone long ago and came back like a devil. I couldn't handle at all and was wondering how calm I had been before all this. Nights are still the same but I'm trying to improve. I had reached to my extent and I had to confess that I'm doing bad, to someone and after that I feel good. I tried tricking myself but that didn't help. I learnt one thing by the end of this month even though I knew it earlier but it came to me crystal clear that you can't run and make everything normal, you have to suffer, no matter how much time it takes, it will. So you just have to surrender. I did that. I let myself do what it wanted to do and I feel lighter. Still three months are long to get over something for a person like me and I felt bad for myself who put herself into this but it was much needed. I stopped writing the day after I wrote last to you. It may be the reason of more suffering because I was all dependent on it but I had to stop it. For many reasons. The easiest and trickiest I tell people is that I got bored. What else do I have to say? Nothing. You once said that I had writing to vent out you don't have even that. See now I don't have it too. Not because you said that. Some incidents in life take something from you or give something, it took my writing. I am not sure if it is forever. Even if I start again it'll be all changed. As I told you that day that Sometimes I hate myself for being too kind, I still do, you know why. I'll keep hating you all my life. It has taken everything and I mean this, you know! It has started or ended, I'm not sure. I've always been a jolly girl, a tumult and I'm grave. I know I'll have myself back again but with the smile that people say "you're hiding so much behind this smile". It'll not be natural, right now I just hope I get that back gradually. Why I am saying all this? Because I love myself still and I would never want the world to remember me as a grave and unhappy person. I want to fill colours in everyone's life and I hate what I am at this moment. A thing I'm sure of is I have become more indifferent, heartless and have no sympathy for anyone, I am just pretentious. I feel nothing, literally nothing. The only reason I don't want to accept this to people is that I don't want their sympathy because they've nothing to give you. In the end they all leave. I may be wrong with this theory of mine but this is what I have become and I don't intend to change this perception. I'm still unsure how and what would I do but I realise I'm heading towards a stronger path emotionally. Things will cease to affect me until those are more severe than this. I wrote long today because I've decided not to write to you anymore, every month. Why should I? Who are you to me? No fucking one. These three month are enough that I've given on this. I'm sure I'll not forget it ever but I don't want to entertain it further. I want you to know that I'm broken constantly trying to heal myself. For how long I'm not sure but I'll manage to mend myself somehow like earlier because "What's your Story?" if someone asks Even though it's full of heart breaks but I'll prefer telling those when my heart bloomed. In this world full of sad faces I don't wanna be one. Ha ha! Seems easy to write and good to stimulate myself. Although I'm still in bad condition yet I'm relaxed that I've reached where I am able to tell myself these words and make myself realise that I'm not going down. The-End (I hope) ~Kriti . . 22 May, 2020 9:14 AM
So two months. You know, things are going vague now. At that time I didn't know it'll affect me in long run even though I knew it was the worst thing I could have done to my mind and my inner self. Many times I feel like I'm losing control over my mind. The stiffness I used to have seems to be broken. How some things happen and nobody gets to know or even suspect, the only thing I've learnt. This world seems a secret to me. I've started sleeping less sound and my nightmares have changed. I wonder if I sleep for a moment at all. It's like a formality I do everyday. Every morning I brush off my bed, I find reminiscences of my agitating sleep lying crumpled on my bed sheet and I determine to not sleep on it again. I hate my bed and the aura around it. Earlier it wasn't this much severe. As I told you in the last letter that somthing had changed, I thought it'll be okay with time and I'll no more feel that but sadly, that feeling is still here. Somthing has definitely changed as if I've lost my childish essence. I feel grown up. I never wanted to be this. I've always been thoughtful about things and now I'm letting go as if I'm going insane and I'm always in need of somthing to get me out of this misery which will eat me up some day, definitely..!! ~Kriti . . 22 April, 2020 8:35 AM
क्या भुला पाए हो तुम मुझे? उन किताबों के सहारे से या उन फिल्मों के बहाने से, जो तुम्हें बांधे रखती हैं कुछ वक़्त के लिए। फिर? उसके बाद क्या? खाना खाते वक़्त ब्रेक में सोते वक़्त सफर में क्या इन सबमें भी कोई बहाने ढूंढ लिए हैं तुमने, मुझे भुला देने के या अब भी तुम्हें मैं तुम्हारे हर कदम पर चलती दिखाई देती हूँ? जो शब्द तुमने कहे थे "नहीं भूल पाऊंगा" से लेकर "तुम्हारे मायने ही क्या हैं मेरी जिंदगी में" तक याद है मुझे कब तुम सच कह रहे थे और कब नक़ाब ओढ़कर कहा था तुमने सब। पर तुम्हारा स्वाभिमान जिसकी वजह से छिपते फिरते हो मुझसे, अहसास कराता है तुम्हारी कमज़ोरी का, मुझे भूल ना पाने की। लाख कोशिशें कर रहे होंगे तुम, मालूम है मुझे भी लेकिन दुःख सिर्फ एक बात का, जो जगह तुमने दे दी है मुझे और जो तुम्हें खोखला भी कर रही है रात दिन बस इसी का डर था मुझे और न चाहते हुए भी मैंने तुम्हें धकेल दिया है उस कुएं में जो सूखा है पूरी तरह और बाहर आने का रास्ता, शायद ही कभी मिले। ~Kriti . . 18 April, 2020 3:17 PM
Now, reminiscences are all around. It was somthing beyond this body and this physical world. We talked nothing but feels like we talked about literally everything in that little moment........................ . . 17 April, 2020 8:16 PM
And today, I stopped a little and started to think about your significance in my life. Trust me I found you everywhere. From waking up in morning to going to the same bed at night. When I open my eyes, my heart takes your name and I'm filled with you. When I take shower, I just sit for some time and you hover me like nothing else. I feel naked body and bare soul that covers itself with your thoughts. When I eat, I think about the times we've discussed it. Whenever I read book, a character always resembles you and an other one, me. As if you're talking to me directly. When I do household works you're always in my mind talking to me. When I cook, every time I feel like one day I would be cooking for you and you would tease me and end up hugging me tight. When I sit to write something, you're the only thing that comes in my mind to write about, to make you feel that I still think about you. When I'm walking down the road I feel like I would tell you about my favorite places once you'll be with me again. I want to tell you everything. Every fucking thing from what's making me happy to what's eating me up. I want to tell you about my friends from how they make me happy to how I get irritated from them. In my mind I'm always telling you everything, every moment. When I laugh I want to tell you the reason, when I am neutral I want to tell you the reason. I want to hear your solutions to my problems or maybe I do that too, considering what you would say or do at that moment. When I go to bed at night, I tell myself that it will be the last time I'm living around you. Now that I've made you a part of myself, it's hard to part you (or your thought) from myself. In near future, I'm not likely to part from you for I'll be like a lifeless body without you and I don't want to die soon without merging with your in real. I hope, one day you'll not be a mere thought and I'll be able to tell you that I've learnt to love you..!! ~Kriti . . 15 April, 2020 3:10 AM
You ask me often, why am I so scared of letting my guard down. Of letting you in. Why are the walls I've encased myself within, so high and so strong? You often talk about how hard I make it for you to break them.
And I wish I could tell you that these walls aren't made of concrete. They're glass. Glass with crevices all over. Each depicting a scar, a memory of the time vulnerability made me immune to the fear of itself. A mere touch of your finger can bring them crumbling down, all at once.
But that is not what I'm scared of. Letting you in is not what I fear.
What if, one of the splinters ends up stabbing you?
Hey! can we talk... I know you don't know me. Neither do I know anything about you. But hey, can we share some stories of our lives... Just tonight. I know you might be busy or not in a mood to listen to a stranger's rants. I totally understand. And that's perfectly alright. You can very happily deny. But just in case, you feel alone or maybe need a companion, like I've been searching for one... I am here... With my own story to share. And I promise... if you wish, I'll be that patient ear to you. Can we talk... About the things that hurt. I have stories that I can't utter... But you... you are a stranger... You'd be in a different city by sunrise... And I... I'd be headed to a different destination. So can we... Just talk... Tonight. You can take away my story... To the distant land, where you belong. Narrate it to others if you wish... Or take it to the grave. After all you're a stranger... What difference does it make. You'd be telling the story of a faceless girl... without a name... To people I'd never see. So may I... Please... disclose all my secrets to you... Can we... Talk for a while... I've been feeling so heavy of late. Only if you permit... next to you, may I take a seat.