(Humming river flows in you by yurima) It happens, when you listen to a song and it constantly runs in your head, in loops at night when you close your eyes even then you can hear it.
So, I don't know what to write about, from a few days, I have been feeling like (humming gets distorted-eventually stops) a mechanical being.
This journey, has put me into a rat race that I don't wanna run, but I can't quit. It's life or death and every other rat forces me to run faster, but I don't want that entirely.
It's difficult to differentiate our responsibilities and our wants when the choice available between the two Is needle thin and sharp. And I have been looking at myself, asking myself, why do you wake up medi? To run this rat race?
I have been questioning myself, what is me? Who is this person, I tell everyday to do better, to be the best so that everyone praises me. Who am I and who is this person inside me? Whom I get angry at for not performing well.
What is self love? What is love? Do I want to know? How can I take care of myself. People throw around these words like sympathies.
Is there anyone who knows what is the actual connection with the inner self, what will drive me till the moment I die, barring a money making 9-5 job, red dry eyes and a computer screen?
Maybe the direction is not known to me yet, but I'm moving, I know, I'm thinking, I'm working, someday I will get there, these all are things we primarily presume when our brain goes into anxiety mode so that the consistency of the illusionist bubble of life remains, but something very near to us breaks that, and maybe what I will know myself to be in 5 years, I might not know myself again in the 6th.
What is love? Is it my morning cup of coffee, touching and teasing my lips, calling out to sleep telling her to lovingly wake up for the day?
What is love? Is it a family of four together laughing at the dinner table even when the kids are 18 ? Is it them playing ludo at odd hours of the day or cuddling with the dog at 12 noon ?
What is love? Could it be those fluttering butterflies, tinted with the ghost of shy smiles, cherry blushes and the tingling fingertips or is it sheer heartbreak? The feeling of a sinking ship, of dying alone and unloved?
What is love? Is it something I will never be able to understand or something that will refuse to curse me? What is love? I want to know. What is love. -me_the_unpredictable
Most people are addicted to something..or someone...
And perhaps this pandemic just made it harder for them to curb their addictions..Lets keep these people in our prayers.. _____________________________________________
I Surrender... To the pattern Of inconsistencies Unhealthy dependency And actions that wreak of a lack of discipline..
I.Surrender To the reality which is I The cremator Of all dreams and fantasies In which I claim a victory ...in Anything..
I Surrender. To the demands of want An act which is only but an escape Of the responsibilities precipitated by the ominous existence of need The Advent Of The addict's creed.
I surrender.. I surrender to hopelessness Because it is here In the presence of my loneliness That hope is bred The Courage within.. Emancipated The senses, Awakened To living With intent And purpose...
I surrender To the I that is me in this moment As I unequivocally wait For the I I will become
P.S- To the person with an addiction facing challenges,thought patterns and temptations that may prompt you to relapse..
Let's get straight to the point.
I ain't here to play poet today, I just need to find a little bit of me.
Hair not tamed, loose sheets on the floor everywhere, you could metaphorically visualize me in every corner of my confined room, broken bits here and there.
And I wasn't happy there. Existing like that I realized, when the realization itself surfaced to say hi.
I was just looking for myself, but I had no idea yet exactly how I looked like. I just knew how it felt like to be me.
I felt dry clothes were like how they are wet, clingy and they just absorb the weight of the water?
I felt like every ounce of space I own, I breathe in, every grain I gulp, every ampere of electricity supporting my humanly existence is going into waste.
I know it is human (me) caused melodrama and it keeps bringing us(me) down every fortnight. I just can't define myself, I can't just look in the mirror and say this is you.
Because nothing in me, is me.
And nothing that happens to me, is me. I am just plucking out the labels of expectations which are forcefully drilled into my body.
So many holes, nuts and bolts.
I didn't know, before I could know who I am, I was made Into someone I didn't know I wanted to become and I just move along.
We are just told to accept ourselves, be happy with life.
Do I have the right to know the real me? Before drudging along?
I don't want to feel like a burden to myself, and I can't let this thing defeat me , yet.