"dont get too close, its dark inside its where my demons hide"

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  • lonewalker 14w

    The last of us

    Stuck in an ever spinning cycle of revenge and hatred...
    The futility of conflict has never been so daunting.
    It has looked me right in the face, smacked me down and behead me.
    And yet I move on towards it.
    Towards meaningless revenge.
    Towards premeditated anger and hate.

    Not knowing what hurts me inside.
    I carry my molotov.. Trying to burn the whole world.
    I usey shiv and my blades to slice open countless flesh.
    Watching the the grass covered in your scarlet blood.

    The trauma your death brings me is enough motivation to blind me.
    To send me on a rampage.
    To the the edge of the world.
    But for what.
    You are not coming back.
    No matter how much throats I cut open.
    You will still be dead.
    Then for what do I seek revenge?

  • lonewalker 15w

    Just like sleep has eluded me for days.
    I keep trying to rationalize my thoughts
    But to no avail.
    The clarity is still far.

    My existence has become a recurring problem.
    Some harsh words to say for oneself.
    Problem for me and those around me.

    But I just fail to see where I have gone wrong?
    How did I become so bad?
    What did I do to deserve this?

    This constant torture from within
    And from everything around me.
    I stayed quite until you broke me.
    Now you see what blackened lava looks like.

    All I want is the satisfaction of being
    Satisfaction of feeling without fear.

    I thought I was doing everything right.
    I thought I was right to feel lost.
    I thought clarity will come over time.

    But what came was just more problems.
    More misunderstandings.
    More mistakes.
    More suffering.

    All I keep thinking... What could have I done differently to avoid this.
    Yes, I will dwell in the past.
    I will think about the time that Is gone.
    Because until I have made my peace with that
    Future to me is nothing but ignorance.

    Is it so bad to think back.?
    Is it so bad to keep it to yourself?
    I wonder what responsibility I have towards my surroundings.
    What is wrong with asking for some understanding.

    I do wish things were different.
    I do wish it was easier for me.
    To open up.
    To communicate.
    I don't deny my shortcomings.
    But then why does it seem to come around and bite me again and again.

  • lonewalker 15w

    I wish I could tell you how I feel.
    I wish I could say everything I want to say.
    I wish you could see me for what I am.
    Stripped of all color and grace and sanity.
    I wish I could take you with me into the great abyss.
    The abyss from which everything is born.

    I wish it weren't so complicated...
    The journey to the middle of our hearts.
    Never did I think that remembering the good times would bring such pain.

    I wish the times were different.
    I wish the circumstances were different.
    I wish I was different.

    How did I come to this?
    I wish I knew..

    Reality really does suck.
    It's never what we want..
    I wish I could make it better.
    I wish I could make it the same.
    I wish I could turn the time around and re-play the whole game.

  • lonewalker 17w

    The morning arrives with its cold breeze and noise of life.
    An I sit in my corner trying to run from whatever is now bright.
    I would rather have the dark of the night.
    When everything is settled down.
    When everything is quiet.

    My body shivers in this cold, unforgiving morning.
    Everything has come to life but not me.
    I die when the morning comes.
    I die as the voices of cheer and love...
    Pass through me, never to stay.

    Little hope that I had of belonging.
    Seems to fade away one by one with every new morning.
    The repetition of monotony causes such pain.
    But the pain never left.
    It's just more visible now.

  • lonewalker 18w

    I dream I am swimming in a lake at night.
    Everything is dark.
    The sky is dark and so is the lake.
    I can't see my own hand right in front of my face.
    But I do see a light.
    I don't know what is the source of this light.
    But I can put a face on it.
    And I want to love the face.
    I want to swim towards the light.
    I want to kiss that face again.

    But something in the lake is pulling me back.
    It's like I am anchored in the same spot for ages.
    Even though I can swim around in the lake.
    I will never be able to swim ashore.
    I will never reach the light.

    I don't know why I am tied.
    I don't know why the lake is so dark.
    I don't know why i am so scared....

  • lonewalker 26w

    I am human.
    You are human.
    I live.
    You live.
    Then why is my humanity a slave.
    Why are you a slave?
    To religion.

    Why must our humanity be a slave and not free.

  • lonewalker 26w

    Human instrumentality is nothing more than a flawed belief that fear, loneliness, insecurities and pain can be eradicated through the forced evolution of all of humanity into a single existence.
    A body less form that has no flaws and in which everyone is perpetually "happy".

    The truth of the matter is happiness can never be understood or fully appreciated unless one has experienced sadness. To seek an evolutionary path that removes flaws and individuality is to destroy what makes us human beings in the first place. We will misunderstand one another and we will hurt one another.
    Yet at the same time we can make each other happy.

    Dark and light co-exist and it is something each and everyone of us must grapple with as we look for our own reasons for existence and purpose on this earth.

  • lonewalker 28w

    Solitude is for me a fount of healing
    Which makes my life worth living.
    Talking is often a torment for me
    And I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.

    - Carl Jung

  • lonewalker 28w

    The weight of my own transgressions
    Crumbles upon me.
    Brings me down.
    And I find no place to go to.

    No escape form this neverending
    Void of voices from the past.
    The ticking of the clock on the wall gets louder and louder..
    Closer and closer..

    Makes me want to just slip away in the eternal silence of time.
    The time that is not linear.
    Time that will come again and again.

    I blame you for all of it.
    You who I can not see.
    You who is controlling me.
    From the back of my head.
    Looking at all of it in third person.

    And when I come face to face with my shadow.
    It's complete chaos.
    Chaos of acceptance...
    Chaos of vulnerable reality...
    Chaos of truth...
    And chaos of walls...
    Walls of lies.

    And when I accept my shadow.
    It will be chaos too.

  • lonewalker 29w

    4:15 am

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    The world around me.
    The world inside me.

    I just want to share this
    Euphoric moment of calm
    With someone.
    Wonder why....
    The solitude always used to comfort me.
    Or perhaps I needed it to.

    But I do feel calm.
    Nostalgic about plastic memories...
    Memories that could have been... But never were.

    I am not sleeping,
    Yet I don't want to wake up from
    This weird slumber of peace.