lowlights_of_the_carnival

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jouska: (n) a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play in your head- a crisp analysis, cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback.

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  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 10h

    As the human body advances towards decay, there are a few things that are bound to happen on average if you were the one to ever think that the shackles that you feel yourself in are only in your head and temporary.

    1.) Shackles are real. Shackles are here to stay.
    2.) After you took the weight in your two hands and you ran, you died.
    3.) But you didn't die.
    4.) So now your will to live is dead. ( If you doubt it, try reading any article on "Reasons to love life" or something like that. )

    5.) Nothing is necessary. Not even breathing. You only do that so you won't become an issue for others.
    6.) You can't take the world seriously. Even though you're filled with empathy, you know that there is something inherently wrong with this place so you start believing that the only way left is to follow the wrong.
    7.) You start connecting with people due to empathy but everything about you is deeply stuffed away. You're a fake even though you don't want to be.

    7.) Alternative step: You stop pretending like you're the beacon of light. You jump to help but not to connect because you don't want to. You don't lie. Lying costs lives. You don't fake an "i love you". Ever. Whenever you have to choose between hurting two people, you don't choose at all. Hurt is hurt. Hurt cost lives too. You trust your truth. You embrace the fact that everything sucks and you don't want to pretend that it doesn't. Not for grown-ups. For babies and kids and animals? You better pretend the shit out of your capacity.


    8.) You wait.

    9.) You close your eyes to smile or to cry.

    10.) You die.
    ©lowlights_of_the_carnival

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    Manual to Life

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  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 4d

    I assure you, you fear me.

    I assure you, it doesn't matter.

    ©lowlights_of_the_carnival

  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 4d

    Maybe if I say it out loud enough, I wouldn't actually do it.
    Maybe if I make jokes about it, I wouldn't actually do it.
    There are better ways to waste my time tonight.

    ©lowlights_of_the_carnival

  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 4d

    ��© Bradley Branson

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    There's a problem in every thought and for someone who would die before becoming an issue, she has stopped having thoughts that last.


    ©lowlights_of_the_carnival

  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 2w

    Do you remember..
    How we used to take pride on our answers..
    When the question was casually thrown at us..
    Like what our favourite colour was..
    How many good movies that never left our minds.
    How many people did we despise.
    And we said..oh, so proudly, "None. None at all."

    I would like to change my answer finally..
    After all the hurt that I've seen, maybe 3% of the entire pain of the world.
    Moreover, the hurt that I've seen in secret.
    A boy hiding the name of his father.
    A girl hiding the name of a kin.
    A lover saving their lover that should have been.
    A man and a woman, too scared to never not kneel or bow.
    A blunder, a dead man walking, hiding behind the cherished memories.
    Behind the maybe to hide all the whys and the hows.

    A part of you is taken.
    You're shaken and you never really got up again.
    It's not a part of life, nothing that was impossible to avoid.
    And there are names you hide..
    The names that I have nothing to do with, yes.
    The names that I despise.



    ©lowlights_of_the_carnival

  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 2w

    What if

    An identity crisis when the only thing that you can truly comprehend is the sickness in your existence.
    When being in the present and going with the flow has become the utter need of the hour.
    You're a junkie downing your memories and the withdrawal from the habit makes you nauseous, to begin with.
    I don't want to know when I know what I know is going to happen around here.
    The deteriorating condition of the world, what a perfect timing.
    I know one can never run too far from a world..
    I wonder if I can go far running towards the void though..
    Void that comes in strange places and white buildings.
    Running down the streets of unknown..
    Maybe there I can write my old memories like they're brand new.
    And a withdrawal won't be on the agenda anymore.
    I can die thinking of you.. and when they ask about it, I'll read you aloud like you're brand new.
    ©lowlights_of_the_carnival

  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 2w

    Recording:

    My temple hurts.
    I have no idea who I saw in the mirror.
    I don't think you should have a baby.
    I have a bad feeling about my head.
    I have a bad feeling about my life.
    I think I need a shoulder, my head is heavy.
    Or should I just lean on my palm?
    Wait.
    I need a shoulder under my head.
    And another head over my head.
    Do you get the picture?
    The weight will take the ache away.
    And both my ears would be momentarily shut.
    It's been 4 hours since the scream in my head came alive again.
    I don't think I know who I am.
    I feel nothing but disgust.
    I think I might throw up after writing this.
    Am I making this up?
    Why is my nose buzzing?
    Wait.
    That's my forehead.
    Why is my head so heavy?
    Should I loosen the bun?
    Wait.
    What about the hair on my face?
    No. I don't want hair on my face.
    Is it pleasant what I'm writing?
    Or is it sickening?
    Is it normal?
    Everybody goes through this, right?
    I am so aware of my punctuations. I hate it.
    Can I stop?

  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 2w

    On good days, the heart knows that it can't be an actual, genuine friend to everyone all of the time. And these frustrations are reasonable.

    On bad days though...
    These make sense.
    They pile up.
    They add themselves to the gutter that a mind can be.

    I know that words aren't always heavy.. The way you joke around with your loved ones, that safe space where you are allowed to rant, say stupid things and get away with all of them..

    But then there's.. there are all those not so safe spaces..
    I don't know if I have a point here but i guess it's pretty much understandable..

    Shit cuts deep sometimes..so maybe.. just be careful.. specially when you THINK you KNOW someone.. you might not..

    I might be coming off wrong here too.. I don't know...



    ©lowlights_of_the_carnival

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  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 2w

    Wu Wei.
    To offer no resistance.
    To go with the flow.
    To be in the natural form of life.
    It's strange how I am doing nothing to seem ambiguous.
    Yet every day, it gets more difficult to explain myself.
    When choices only got clearer, there were judgements for what I was becoming.
    As if they wanted me to be confused. Is that what they mean when they say words like "optimism" and "hope"?

    I don't know what you plan to do with me.
    I'll never ask.
    The only bit of resistance from my end is I'll be around.
    In any shape or form..
    Invisible when you would hate me a little.
    All over when you love me a little.


    ©lowlights_of_the_carnival

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  • lowlights_of_the_carnival 3w

    And she forgets to breathe sometimes..
    She forgets her mental notes about what not to do to avoid the feeling that plunges her into unspeakable darkness.
    She hasn't forgotten to return from there..not yet..
    But she forgets to count her blessings in those times
    She forgets to count her reasons that she gives herself on the good days
    All the reasons to stay, the aftermath of the otherwise.
    That's when the soul screeches with all its monstrosity, starts clawing out and cutting down the insides to be free.
    Pain is such a small word but with every bit of truth that that word holds
    She is reminded of all those reasons again.
    To not hurt another. To not bleed over.
    To not make another go through the same.

    And she sees..
    That you do too.


    ©lowlights_of_the_carnival