magikarp

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"This is me pretending this is all I need."

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  • magikarp 3h

    Blah Blah Blah

    I loved you, you know? Like no one should ever love another: wildly, recklessly, excessively, sempiternally; free of fear, insecurity, doubt, beyond question. Never has this existence known a more perfect love than the one we shared. Then the day came we were to be married, and there, in front of our friends and family you told me you cheated with our best friend. You asked if I could understand, after all she was our best friend. I was too young, too old fashioned, too hurt, and I walked away with tears in my eyes that never fell. They've been filling me for years, all of these unshed tears, and they're finally drowning me in my self. Inside I'm gasping for air beneath an ocean of salted pain. Since then I've only ever seen myself as some dirty, stubborn stain, like the one that never comes off the sheets. So I've been discarded all the same. Hell, man, I don't know what the hell I'm writing this for. I'm so damn done I don't want to write a single word anymore. I'm just too afraid to stop, because I know I will never start again.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 1d

    Had a bit of an anxiety attack at work today. My fault, I took too much on myself. I physically fell down for just a moment before the Lord picked me back up. My body was done, my brain was burnt, but my spirit stepped up. I readjusted the crew and everything went smoothly. However, on the walk home I collapsed. A passerby stopped to help me out. I'm checking out now, but I "wrote" this while I was napping in the hospital. Never a dull moment %D

    #6378

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    Hospital Visit

    I miss the days when the only time I cried was when I'd fall from trees or while playing tag and scrape my knees. Or, I would if I ever had days like these. Instead I was blessed with daily beatings from my father's fists, belt, feet, or whatever else he could get his hands on when he wasn't throwing me into walls, dressers, or whatever else happened to be around. Oh, and how I learned to hold my tongue for fear of a longer and harder beating if I made the slightest sound; that'd never end until I was bleeding. Mom shaking her head, telling me I should have known better. Because it was my fault my stomach hurt from the pains of nearly ever being fed. Because it was my fault my teeth would ache from the lack of oral care, because I was never taught, because they didn't care. And it's my fault I had no friends because I had to keep the wounds hidden, staying inside. My fault I existed at all.
    So many years later and nearly nothing has changed. Parents are both dead, but I still punish myself in their place. Pushing myself too hard, praying that one of these attacks will be my last. Forcing my body to break. Crippled by a past I keep close to my chest like a bullet proof vest. I have no idea how many bullets I have to take. Damn it, I'd settle for hell, for heaven's sake. Even when my body cannot physically carry on, my weary brain is to weak to carry on, somehow, someway, my spirit trudges on, and on, and on. . . . .

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 1d

    Dark

    If I were to receive just one penny for every single time I sincerely thought of taking my life, I would truly be the wealthiest human to have ever lived. You ask me why I don't write anything happy, it's because I don't know what happiness is. I know what it looks like, but not how it feels, much like living, I suppose. My greatest source of "happiness" is despair. I know nothing more perfectly, nor intimately, as I do despair. You could never understand, so piss off and stop judging and ridiculing me from your soapbox of lies, lest I teach you what it is to suffer as I do.
    Fucking Fraud.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 1d

    For You

    The wind whispers softly to me as eye think of you this night. Visions of love fill my head as the whispers turn to melodies and the waves begin to harmonize, filling me with serenity as eye drink in the ambrosia of Luna's light. Eye come here often, but only between midnight and sunrise. There is a peace to be found in the stillness and silence of an empty beach, that exists only under darker skies. It's almost a paradox, much like the light eye find in your dark brown eyes; so calm, so quiet, so gentle, somehow both empty, yet full of a love others seldom see.
    Alas, this moment, it is just that, and it has come to pass. Indeed, it is the way of all good things to fade far too fast the longer you want them to last. You'll never know the way eye feel for you, because you'll never feel such silly things for me. Nevertheless, the only place eye'd rather be is by your side, building something old, yet entirely brand new.
    Well, here it is for you to read. If love were a flower, eye suppose this would be the seed. Will you water it and let it grow, or abandon it to the transience of the afterglow? If you someday find your're lost as myself, feel free to join me upon this shelf. Hand in hand we can collect dust, alone together, for always and ever, never again to be used, broken, nor to bust.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2d

    Can't Sleep

    I'm going way away and I'm not coming back
    Like the sky at night my light has faded to black
    It never left it just got a little dark
    And there's no hope of finding a spark
    To reignite this dark light
    To make me shine again
    Don't be sad it's all right
    I'll be watching over you until the very end
    Shhhh
    Hush little one and do not fear
    I know I promised I wouldn't leave
    But whether or not you believe
    I am and will always be right here
    Right by your side
    You know I tried
    But I never lied
    Though I died
    I love you

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2d

    Go Away

    My soul is sick and so am eye
    One day soon you'll find out that eye decided to die
    Eye didn't have wings and couldn't fly
    So eye'm resting in the comfort of hell
    Where eye belong and so eye fell
    Please don't ask 'cause eye'd rather not tell
    Just accept that eye'm gone
    Do what they all do forget me and move on
    Nobody mourns the loss of a pawn
    There's nothing more eye care to say
    So please just go the hell away
    And carry on with your day

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2d

    Stay

    This life...
    There's nothing more for you to take
    I can take no more
    Let me go for heaven's sake
    I've rotted to the core
    There's no hope of restoring me
    The damage is irreparable
    When I step off this ledge no one will see
    Yeah I also believed we were inseparable
    But look at you all dead and gone leaving me to carry on my own I slit my wrists and clutch hopes high in empty fists raised to the sky a finger daring Him to try and take me too but that's one thing He could never ever do is kill me 'cause I'm far too strong to die and prove Him wrong but why even bother keeping me around when every word I speak makes no sound and I'm wandering around the lost and found to find the truth that lies within committing all the oldest sins in the newest ways I blacked out and slept for days while wandering through a suffocating daze of toxic miasma and burning haze coking me as it enveloped me in countless shades of misery and promised it would it would never leave and of course I would believe when I've trusted so many who promised the same.
    The only difference is that misery stayed.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2d

    Yup, this is a twenty-one year old poem. Wasn't dating things back then, but I wrote it the day after I graduated elementary school. We sang "Graduation" by Vitamin C. God, it makes me sick thinking about it. I mean, I do like the song, just not the falsehood it is. "As we go on we remember all the times we had together. And as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever." What a repulsive joke. Ugh!!

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    Y2K, The Year "I" Became "Eye"
    (Originally Titled: "Untitled")


    Family and friends are jokes I don't have time for
    Under the olive tree is where they left me
    Considering suicide as every moment I lied
    King of misery I dubbed myself as I bled
    Lying there I realized
    Only one path remained ahead
    Violent appetite for self-destruction never sated
    Eye guess eye gave up
    call me jaded
    but eye'm the only one eye've ever hated.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 2d

    Let's Write About Love, Baby

    "Why don't you write about love?"
    The fact that you ask shows you don't even know what love is; at least, not true love. Look at all of the pain, sorrow, misery, despair, agony, loneliness, abhorrence, loathing, and tragedy in my words. You'll even find, albeit rather rarely, a moment or two of happiness.
    So, why don't I write about love?
    Clown...
    Love is literally ALL I write about.

    ©magikarp

  • magikarp 3d

    Simplicitea

    I'm
    Running
    Out of time
    Out of my mind
    Looking for something
    That I will never find
    Can't see clearly I'm not blind
    Give me one good reason
    I should stay alive
    Not your something
    Not for you
    Just for
    Me

    ©magikarp