marynschmaryn

All socials: @marynschmaryn // I wish I could be as hip as all of the fancy IG writers and published authors seen around here. Websites: Not my style.

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  • marynschmaryn 34w

    Sound, Vibrate: OFF

    My phone stays on silent. I can't stand the noise. It's an endless stream of people that don't know me asking for favors I can't fulfill. And it's just a constant reminder of the ways in which I am not enough and the ways in which I am not who I should be. My phone stays on silent, but I fall asleep with it on the charger next to my head. The dim blinking light brings me some small piece of comfort.

    I fall asleep and neither of us make a sound but I wake up throughout the night to see if I've missed anything. To see if there's anyone I need to say something empty back to.

    It is the most exhausting thing in the world, this feigning connectedness. I feel heartbroken for no reason. An unjustified sadness beats throughout me. The more that is asked of me, the less I want to give. I resent everyone who doesn't know me but I can't see the people that do.

    There's this ever-growing space between 1 and 2 and I don't know how to fill it. And I don't know how to make that bridge so

    my phone stays on silent.


    ©marynschmaryn

  • marynschmaryn 39w

    Further

    Life's a crazy train and mine's all off the rails; no control whatsoever and time's going forward. It's terrifying to be the furthest you've ever been, to know that you write the future. I don't want to be another statistic or add to my country's suicide rate, but only four out of ten people with my condition die of natural causes.

    So, I hate to ask, but what happens to those who had their own minds get the best of them? Were they sure enough? Would they have killed if they hadn't died? Would they have lived if they hadn't died?

    What's the fullest you can live your life to? Isn't it exactly this? Crying from joy, dying from pain? Do I get to experience the in-between, or is this rollercoaster everlasting? I wouldn't ask if I didn't have to. But wouldn't I still hurt even if the choice was mine?

    The low points in life teach and the light that cuts through the dark show why to learn. So would I give up on hell if I knew the stairway to heaven is only an ascending road? Would I be content with comfortable?

    Hitting rock bottom should mean that no further fall is possible. That it's not a question of "possible" if the real question is where you are heading to and you are headed nowhere. But what happens when I'm heading somewhere further than rock bottom and there's not enough of me under the scar tissue to be both broken and to blame?

    ©marynschmaryn

  • marynschmaryn 43w

    Wash, Rinse, Repeat

    There's a saying that if you love something, you should set it free. If it comes back, it's yours; but if it doesn't, it never was. So what do you think happens to a heart that never comes back? Would you always feel that absence? Could you even mourn for something that was never yours?

    Today feels a lot like flight turbulence with me tightly holding onto my seat and getting assaulted in all senses. Like the sky swallowed me whole and brought me back to ages past when my heart was still there. And I'm not sure what all this foreshadows. But maybe sometimes it's better to remain unsure. Unsure if something is meant to come back to you. Unsure if you're supposed to end up on this path all along and then wonder what's the point.

    Sometimes I look up at the night sky and all of its dainty, bright stars and remember that I'm really just a speck in the universe. That all of us have that in common at least. And it gives me the slightest hope that maybe somewhere, at the exact same time, someone is feeling lost too. That someone is feeling an absence in their chest and wondering which direction to head in next. Maybe somewhere, somehow, someone can return whatever is lost.

    ©marynschmaryn

  • marynschmaryn 49w

    It Makes You Think (Eroteme)

    Where is your safe haven? If you were to pick a memory to forget, what would it be? Why? Does running from committment count as exercise? If you could go anywhere right now, would you come up with a place or a name? How often do you read a text and purposefully wait hours to respond back? Who would be your first call after an accident? If I say "love," do you see a face first or feel the emotion? Do you check your phone often when you are out with friends? Do you have a good poker face? Who was your first kiss? Is that person still in your life? Do you take some time to check in on your closest friends every now and then? Do you believe in love at first sight? If not, who ruined it for you? If something makes you laugh loudly, do you cover your mouth or muffle it in any way? Do you count yourself as your own best friend? If "someday" is now, are you living the way you want to live? If money was not a problem, what would you be doing with your life right now? Where do you keep your secrets? Who knows them all? Are you more of a morning person than not? Have you ever held onto something an ex gave you? Would you want the ability to replay your dreams? When you talk about a past love, does your voice shake? Do you pause too? Where on your body do you feel anger? What about sadness? Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Would you be comfortable to? What is your favorite color? What would that say about you? Does forgetting count as starting over?

    ©marynschmaryn