Nothing much. Just happy I could write. ******** I've seen people smile a genuine smile. There's this glow in their face, a strange softness in their eyes and an easy stretch in the lips. When the wind plays with their hair strands, they don't even bother to tuck them behind their ears and instead throw back their heads in an innocent attempt to let all the joy sink in. It screams of true happiness. I wonder how it feels like. Don't the cheeks ache, the wider the smile is? Is it a happy ache? So, pain can be of a happy kind too then? When will pain be this kind to me, this warm?
One day. Someday.
Walking on streets, I look around at people. Some try to hold their umbrellas upright, while some, their heads. I'm neither of them, so I look down. The roads are a dirty grey, but not dirtier than the footsteps imprinted on it. Or rather the people that stomped off it. The sun rays pour on me like a bucket of light, and I squint my eyes. Is it because I'm too accustomed to the dark now? Will this light wash off me the stains of last summer, the summer I got to know that people are darker than the lies they say?
One day. Someday.
The leaves adorn a shade of green I'd never known of. I guess they chose yellow but life turned out to be too blue. Blue-r than the morning sky, calling out to wake your body that lost its soul some nights back. Blue-r than the ocean at night, bidding goodbye to the waves that rocked your life. Blue-r than your eyes that hide your stories which you don't intend to write. I want to know your story. But wait, are you someone else's? Will all our stories end someday along with the people that once lived in them? Will we ever know how to live at peace, in a world with so many empty hearts and masked faces?
I saw you the other day, on those cold streets. You didn't look at me. Guess the fog had blurred your vision, or your brain did. Well, the point is you didn't notice me, but I did. You haven't changed a bit. Your neck was still wrapped up in that mint muffler I once knitted for you, those eyes were still pale cornflower hued. Your cheeks still go pink when you smile. And you still wear your brain on your sleeves instead of your heart.
But there's something that has changed. You've got someone else to be your pink peony. Her skin is softer than mine and probably she doesn't even bother you with crazy thoughts and meaningless talks. I promise, I ain't crying. I'm happy for you. Very happy.
You remember how I always said, that I'm a dandelion. That I was made to fly with the soothing breeze, far far away, into the unknown worlds and finally sink with the golden sun. You always laughed at me when I told you. But you still gave me a bouquet of dandelions that day. That day, before I left you.
You know, I was scared when you said you'll wait for me forever, outside the operation theatre. I made you promise you won't. And I'm glad you didn't wait. You see, flowers don't live much long. But I didn't wither, I flew away with the breeze, dispersing into the air. I wasn't lying, you see. I saw many things, but I missed you. So I sat on your window sill yesterday. Tears were flowing down your cheeks, on a pressed dandelion in your diary.
So, I decided to write this letter to you, to remind that I'm still there, in the air you breathe and the poems you write in your diary. You can feel me, whenever you want to. Now, stop crying you stupid.
“Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
Can you tell me where you are?
Up above the world so high
But I’m feeling so low tonight"
--- you chant in a hushed voice staring at the starless sky.
' . , ?
Another missed call and now you're sure that your friends don't need you. You look on those streets glowing in a crystal violet light, where people are walking holding hands and giggling happily. You feel lonelier than ever.
You've tried your best to keep your friends alongwith you, like a rock between a summer stream. And they escaped being cold in summertime.
You want a friend who'll stay by your side always, who'll like the songs you like, who'll see everything just like you.
But wait. Do you want a friend, or a ?
Don't you see, you don't need to be like anyone else, nor they do. And that's what makes friendship unique.
And now you think all your friends are fake. I know, weeds grow amid daisies, but that does not mean even the flowers are faux. It's all written on their faces, love and faith. So don't be afraid to see their blank white faces, maybe there's a fog which is hiding their mellow hues.
And when everything will feel like falling down, they might show up to save you.
Being humans, heartbreaks are pretty common. Starting from your favourite team losing the match, to the death of your favourite character in the tv series... Almost every second disheartening thing seems to give you heartbreak, or i'd rather say.. you term this as heartbreak. Before you even figure out what heartbreak is, you claim to have your heart broken more often than seasons changing. This pretty much sums up teenage heartbreaks.
And then comes that moment in your life, when for some specific reason you break down, you have no idea what's wrong with you yet your world falls apart. That moment when you even refuse to walk out of your room, when darkness becomes your friend and you begin to hate every bit of yourself, the moment when you actually begin cursing yourself. That's when you realise what the ultimate heartbreak is. You realise all the years what you were weeping for wasn't actual heartbreak, indeed those were elementary predicament scenarios that are absolutely inimitable with your current situation.
It may be for multiple reasons but the one that is constant for a higher section of the population is after you have lost someone whom you think you love, and who once claimed to love you as well. Yes, it's after a separation from the one whom you have assumed to be your soul mate, in other words something that this generation term as a BREAK-UP. Yes break-up, the second thing after death that is bound to happen and yet people starve for the reason which brings it. Yet, it is worse than death, in sense that it confers you with after effects so adverse where you feel weaker than you have ever felt, speak less than you have ever spoken, see yourself uglier than you have ever seen.. and obviously cry more than you have ever did.
This feeling, may be is because you both have planned your future together, made promises that are yet to be kept, have planned your honeymoon destination, may be even kept the name of your future kids and surely claimed to remain together until death. And suddenly a boom.. You are all alone while the other one is far from all this. You see, people drift away slowly. They don't generally knock on your door and say that they are leaving . One day you're with them laughing away, and the next day you know they have walked away like you don't exist anymore. There are no warning lights, no letter left by. Slowly one afternoon you realise they are not coming back and before you can even imagine, things have gone beyond.. You realise that face is only limited to your phone's gallery, that name only to your password and moments to your heart.
Doesn't matter how strong you have been in the past, this breaks you. Yes, this breaks you, more because you have imagined yourself to be the protagonist of the story and nowhere you have read or seen the protagonist losing at the end. We all are generally habituated to happy endings, and hence when you face such situations in real life, you begin to face a state of trauma and end up realising that fairy tales doesn't exist in real life. You start figuring out reasons why this happened and in a process of doing so, you start saying things to yourself which you would even want to hear from the one who hates you. You start calling yourself short or fat or dark or all of the mentioned, in an attempt to find the perfect reason why they left. Soon your showers start lasting for hours and sleep not even for minutes. Alcohols soon start taking over tea, and with every third drink you type that long text and the blue tick from the other side forces you to finish the bottle. Within no time, from the one who hated the smell of smokes, you turn into a chain smoker, and all this is lead by that one thought called "I have no reason to live" and yes, frankly speaking, you dont. You are all over.. no one can live with such negativity. All you can do now, is either kill yourself or stick to the certitude of happy ending and tell yourself that because you're not happy, hence this is not the end.
Before you decide anything, take some time. Take time to think what lies before you. Even the darkest days end with the sunrise. Whenever it hurts, don't just weep, rather observe. Life is trying to teach you something. Good times just give you pleasant memories, it is the bad time and decisions that build you, they are sort of stepping stones. Yes it's tough to forget what you have gone through, but at least don't dwell on it. But at the end of the day, it's all in your hands. Either you want to kill yourself just because you have lost what you considered to be your greatest opulence, or you want to fight, fight with your current state, your mind, your sitch, your surrounding, fight with your own self just to prove that you are still the protagonist, and protagonists never lose.