mmbftd

My words my photography my identity.

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  • mmbftd 6w

    August Was
    August Is


    Well
    October is coming
    Now is the month
    July reminds me
    And here is August.
    August was a fury.
    His blue, wicked eyes
    Undressed my mind
    Whenever we'd meet
    He could read my thoughts.
    My body
    In perpetual anticipation
    Of his
    Near me.
    His low growling voice
    Pricked chills up
    On the soft nape of my neck.
    He bit there
    Never drawing blood
    But as if to carry me away
    Like a lion
    With tender cub in sway
    To safety
    Away from where I might
    Hurt myself.
    And though I have always been
    The cub to his lion-like ways
    It was more passionate
    Than paternal.
    We longed for each other
    Like the characters I scribed
    Or the lifelike sketches
    And paintings he created
    With those strong beautiful hands.
    Our fire spanned decades.
    It's orange-yellow flames
    Burned on in secret parts of us.
    We had only once chance
    Long ago
    To be together
    Age has erased what went wrong or why
    Neither of us cared. The fire, the Magnet the pull of stars and suns
    Still gravitated us to one another.
    I kept remembering the way that July sun lit up your blond beard
    Your lips within
    Buried there
    And how I wanted them on mine
    Like needing air
    I needed you.
    Ours was not a consistent type of knowing
    As years passed
    We stay vanished and silent
    Until we don't
    Then it all comes back to
    how it was
    As if I am sitting too close to you at that table
    Me in my 20's: the huntress
    And you needing fixing
    I watched you sketch
    My character
    So effortlessly
    So full of talent
    To make paper and pencil seem real
    You started with the negative space, and went from there.
    I liked the scratchy sounds your pencil made against
    The paper
    as my stomach reacted to your handsome face with such excitement and energy.
    But beyond the primal, physical wanting
    was a deep connection.
    We saw each other and then we simply became. Like links in chain, one needing the other to be.
    You have always been that to me. Over 20 years and nothing about us dims. I'm still your number one fan and you still cut me with a loving truth only you can deliver. I trust in you. More than others. I cherish you more than others. Our history is testament to our connection.
    And I'm not deluded. We know we are both disasters in different ways, and that is OK. That is called acceptance, or love, or something close enough to desire.
    It's valuable.
    August, you are breathtaking.
    I'm still in awe. As are you. I love that for us. Shouldn't we all have someone so perfectly imperfect to hold onto?
    I'm so grateful.
    Eternally yours, m.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 11w

    Turn

    At every turn
    I'm reminded
    Of the burn
    These flames licked
    The streets
    They grew
    Ochre yellow light
    Flickering into blue
    All the tears
    And we've been silenced
    Longer than we admit
    Who wants to believe
    In this insidious reality?
    But I'm old enough
    To remember the hope we had
    And when our skin
    Wasn't the 1st thing
    On our minds
    But then
    That was my delusion
    Wasn't it?
    I've never known
    The way it hurts for you
    Only my own pain
    Fueled my spark
    The match got lit
    In 92
    And history repeated
    But before that
    It was a fable
    Built on our parent's backs.
    I remember love
    Before the algorithms
    A pyre to be sure
    A pure and explosive
    And tenuous combustion.
    I'm old now but not done
    My heart still grinds on
    And everywhere I look
    I'm reminded of this burn
    I'm old but not removed enough
    To not take another turn
    But I remember when
    Skin on skin or hand in hand
    Didn't have a motive or a plan
    Before there was a machine
    To set us against each other
    And yes our world is on fire
    There's a clenching of fists
    I'm standing here beside you
    But you'd never recognize me
    No you'd never see me
    They've spun their silk
    To anchor us
    A silver thread
    Of melancholy isolation
    And more is coming
    Inside that needle
    Tracking you and I
    No matter our colors
    Or categories
    And I turn in my sleep
    Crying for us all
    I turn as they turn their screws
    Into us
    I burn I burn I burn
    Will we never learn?
    We burn for them.
    It's what they crave.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 23w

    Damn You

    First you took my sun
    It used to be warm
    Inviting
    Energizing
    And calming simultaneously
    I remember that color
    Golden yellow to citrus orange
    So easy to stare at, that our parents had to remind us not to!
    Coconut oil on my tanned childhood skin
    Floating in turquoise chlorine water
    The scent of oil mixed with the scent of the thin plastic innertube my skinny childhood body floated in.
    I watched all the wavy sun lit lines travel across the bottom of the pool.
    They hypnotized me, until my body floated in time with the tiny water movements of the pool. Undulations.
    I stuck my bottom in the hole of the innertube and faced the sky.
    A rich deep blue like my best friend's eyes.
    Brilliant white puffy clouds
    Slowly drifted through the sky.
    But you took that too.
    Damn you for taking my blue blue sky.
    And smells
    like fresh flowers, green grass and fresh living dirt.
    And now
    You took my family
    And friends
    You took my human touch
    My hugs
    My soft embrace
    My healing hand holding
    Damn you
    You took anything worth
    Living for
    But damn you
    I won't let you take me!
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 24w

    Quarantined

    Everybody's
    Breaking quarantine
    Driving fast
    Just to get to the one
    They always loved
    The one that was left behind
    Or left them behind
    And I'm no different
    Baby
    My car is my phone
    My words move me
    To you
    And you reciprocate
    But I've got a man
    11years now
    But he's no you
    There's no time
    For denying now
    The world is dying
    I won't forget my first love
    My ride or die
    Here you are
    Open arms
    Easy to do
    Over the phone
    But who knows what reality
    Would be?
    A broken down antique record
    Skipping skipping skipping
    Caught in the loop
    Of our love that was true
    We knew
    We know
    Each other better
    Than anyone else we ever let in
    Because we've kept them
    From our sacred spaces
    Read me to sleep
    Sweet brown eyed man
    And I'll sing your lullaby till you dream...
    Wrapped together in white-cool August sheets
    Sand still on our feet
    Sunburn sting
    And then the dream
    Of our heat
    Your arms
    Like the only protector
    I've ever really known
    And yet we threw stones
    At each other
    As much as we loved
    And cherished.
    We chased each other
    To come back and stay
    We chased each other away
    And if I had a way
    To really get to you
    Would I go?
    Or drive right through?
    That desert town
    You're in now
    The one we swore we'd live in
    Someday
    Everything is perfect
    In that imperfect way
    And the rumble of the engine
    502
    70 El Camino to get to you
    The sun in my eyes
    Sweat on my skin
    Windows down
    Music lifting me.
    But everybody
    Is quarantined
    Re-evaluating
    Who they want to be with
    When this world crumbles
    What is important?
    Who do you want to lay with
    When the sky falls?
    You're my one regret
    My lost boy
    My biggest hero
    My arch nemesis
    My one true love.
    Everyone's breaking
    Quarantine
    My key is in the ignition
    Feel the rumble
    The bench seat is roomy
    I'm coming for you
    Life is too short now
    It always has been
    So many years wasted
    Without you
    Get the books out babe
    Read me to sleep
    In your arms
    Like back in 92
    Life was quiet then
    Just like you.
    Everyone's breaking quarantine
    To get to the ones they love
    Feel the rumble
    Here I come.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 33w

    Silent

    When you begin
    Your anger welling up
    From within
    I don't know where to go
    I want to help
    It's my first reaction
    When you are angry
    Or frustrated
    And you yell out
    In absolute
    Exasperation
    Because the world presses down on you
    And me
    In different ways
    And you don't let me help
    So I want to run away
    Or cry
    Because every thing is
    My fault
    Always
    And always was
    And always will be
    From the time I was small
    Till this time now
    Being old.
    So. I have learned (although it goes against every single part of me)
    To stay silent
    Or go away from you.
    Because I get angry too
    And I need to remind myself
    How much it affects you
    When I do that to you too.
    Although I rarely get angry with you
    It is life or other people who continue to hurt me
    But I cannot escape them
    I am bound by obligation
    Much like you feel you are to me
    And your silence far outweighs
    Mine
    And it hurts to never speak or be spoken to
    Now your anger has passed
    As my panic has grown to an undeniable pitch
    Until I spill out of myself
    In tears and choppy
    Barely sustaining breaths.
    So I hide from you
    To allow myself to be possessed
    By the other spirit
    Of chaos
    Created from toxic shame
    Guilt and self-loathing.
    It tells me your life would be so much better
    If I wasn't here-
    And my life would be better
    If I wasn't.
    You and I would be free of this tether...
    But I shush those voices
    As I always have
    As I always will
    From a young girl
    Until now
    An old woman
    with wrinkles mapped out on a face that carries sadness like it is all she has ever known.
    I cry into the silence
    And look around
    As the chaos spirit
    Lessens it's hold
    Around my soul.
    I am alone, and once again-
    Silent.
    Just the way you prefer me.
    And the way I was always shown.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 34w

    Fitting in

    No one talks about it
    When fitting in
    Doesn't fit
    Did you get in?
    Trick em so they didn't realize
    That you don't fit in
    To their group
    Of sunny smiles
    White teeth shining
    Colgate grins
    Like Cheshire cats
    And pussy on display
    Is this where you wanted to be?
    Is it everything you thought it would be
    To be seen?
    Collected and molded
    To shapes that hurt your tender body
    Contorted
    And bent
    Till you are on your knees
    Get up
    Get up
    Stand
    You don't need what they are selling you
    Polished and manufactured
    Smooth lines
    Fresh wax
    Reflecting your pain
    Are you a car
    Meant to floss your worth?
    A woman is not a display of a man's power
    Don't fight so hard to get in there
    It's twisted and delirious
    The pain numbed over
    By powder up your nose
    And fire into your vein
    You sleep
    Wake up
    Do it all again
    And I'm only watching
    From the sideline
    An old voyeur in a world
    Turned mad
    Kids are not kids
    They aren't allowed to be
    They get processed
    Into someone else's
    Commodity
    And it makes me sad
    Because I do remember
    What it felt like
    To believe I was on the outside
    But you've got to find the right tribe
    Where it fits and feels like the family you never had
    Where they lift you up to be what your passions scream
    Listen to those
    Because nobody talks about
    How fitting in hurts
    Once you fake it to get there
    You can't remember who you were
    Don't fight so hard
    To exterminate
    Who you really are
    You are no one else's commodity
    Stand up
    Fight for your self
    You matter.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 34w

    Simulation

    Do you remember
    Analog?
    Like yellow Sun
    And blue skies
    Those days are gone.
    Do you remember
    Vinyl skipping?
    Needle dropping
    Love sharing?
    No likes
    Phantom figments
    Of manufactured adoration.
    Do you remember
    Soft touches?
    Like fire's spark inside
    Combusted.
    And there were 2
    Not many
    1+1=2 is now insanity.
    I'm a throwback
    Vintage queen
    Wrinkled rockstar
    Pretending to be seen
    I come and go
    When I want
    I'm not connected
    To your lightning cords
    My birth is a legend
    No test tube
    No clone
    No DNA collected
    No vaccinated sickness
    Represented.
    And do you remember
    Analog?
    Like yellow Sun and blue sky
    Those things were meant
    To die
    I mourn their loss
    And mine
    Look up
    This is
    Not My Childhood Sky
    It's something
    Streamed in from the SIM
    I'm out of lives ready to die
    I'm ready
    Put the needle down
    And it skips, skips
    And starts again
    Do you remember
    Analog?
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 51w

    Slow

    Tonight is slow
    Like a drip of
    Cold honey
    Unmoved by my desire
    For it
    I want the hours to be minutes
    So we can be together
    Again.
    But time is crawling
    Tonight
    Like freshly hatched Salticidae
    Across my chest
    I watch the air
    Move inside and outside of me
    My skin rising and falling
    Tiny chills prickled my flesh
    Waves
    Chopping at me
    Currents
    Taking me
    Hiding me from the usual
    Passage
    Of time.
    Now all was slowed
    As the orbit
    Became a stretched out
    Ellipses
    Warped, elongated
    A tube, as it rolled over into itself
    And time began to speed up
    And slow
    Immesurably except to those of us who could feel it through our bodies.
    And tonight dragged on
    It took my body with it
    A hostage dragged by chain-
    Clanking loudly in my mind
    Echoes thrown
    All around this empty home
    Sounds that should not be-
    Are here.
    And I glance nervously
    My eyes straining to meet their sources.
    I know I won't see them, I rarely do.
    I feel the earth trembling
    The quakes have increased
    And much like time
    They are mere markers of it.
    Warped or not
    Time is moving so slowly now
    Like cold honey
    Without the sweetness...
    And somewhere far away
    But close enough to seem like it is over my head
    I hear the rustle of shiny black raven feathers
    And it calms and frightens me
    Simultaneously.
    I miss you my friend
    And those little sounds you made while perching for the night next to me.
    You helped me with my passage of time and your feathers in my fingers gave me so much courage and love.
    I could almost accept
    That time was broken now.
    And honey is cold and not sweet and you are gone forever and there are noises in this house and I am alone and waiting...for time to snap back into place again.
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 55w

    For Poe

    (This is Poe) R.I.P. my eternal friend.
    "Every spiderweb
    Became my gift
    Because they caught your feathers there-
    Where I could not reach
    A part of you
    I was never meant to keep."
    ©mmbftd

  • mmbftd 55w

    Poe

    Every spiderweb
    Became a gift
    Because they caught
    Your beautiful feathers there
    Where I could not reach
    And long after your passing
    As my heart breaks and morphs into something
    Stronger, hopefully-
    I can admire your black shiny irredescent feathers that were starting to show
    And your fluffy baby feathers
    I watched you Preen as you grew
    I will watch sunsets again
    Now minus you
    Their beauty dulled dramatically
    By your loss
    Because we loved each other so
    and shared wordless hours
    In mutual appreciation of each other
    And these spiderwebs
    Are now my gifts
    All around where we lived
    For they caught your feathers there
    Where I could not reach
    A beautiful part of you
    I was never meant to keep.
    (For Poe, a beautiful wild Raven who we lost much too soon. He was the light of my days, an incredibly intelligent, soulful, loving companion who I had a bonded relationship with for a little over a month. I spent hours a day playing and talking with him. He trusted me and I loved him so deeply. I beg my heart heals soon.)
    ©mmbftd