I was out for my usual evening walk today. I crossed your home, like I do daily. I did steal glances of its window sills and entrance door. I did that with the usual hopeless hope of seeing you at least once and as usual I didn't. I strolled across the same PWD colonies and came across that huge "Gulmohar" tree. Do you remember that tree? The tree which witnessed our love. The tree that hid us from the rest of the world and gave us the perfect feel of our first date.
I am searching for the most delicate string of pain to wind my heart with it so the broken pieces compile into the shape of a heart that can at least harbour the memories I never wanted to foster and let go.
I am looking for the most pain-striken note of my guitar that sets the memories of you sunk at the back of my head to fire so that I can again feel the warmth and care of your love when you first held my hand and confessed.
I am digging down the graveyard of dead hopes and buried dreams in the hope of finding a deadly source of pain that possesses my soul once again and makes me feel a little less than alive and little more than dead.
I am mixing in all the shades of my colour plate in the excitement of finding my favorite shades of grey. All colours lose their glamor when white makes love with black and darkness combines with light in the most passionate fire of desire. I want to repaint my canvas with the perfect shade of it that resonates the most with my world because grey is always calm, beautiful and pain loving.
I tried to move on from you and in the process I fostered my feelings, not only those that remained back after you left but also somehow deliberately I let go of the ability to feel love and pain.
Love is the most cunning oxymoron that I could never explain, understand, give or receive and write about perfectly but pain has been the most familiar thing that I have ever felt.
I never thought I would survive without you by my side so I held onto your fingertips as long as I could feel them. Little did I know that it wasn't you or the happy side of us but the darkest of days and sadness of the melancholic songs you sang that made me love and desire you like the sun desires the moon. I never knew pain held such an important place in my life that if I ever abandoned it I would turn myself into a refugee and homeless.
• • • Men, in this world are not that hardest to judge and understand like women. They are very much like an open book with all pages written in very simple and lucid language. But in some little things you really can't read their minds.In very few things of life, men are even more complex to be understood than women. Some part of their heart they always keep hidden like moon and only few who are privileged get the chance to see that part. You may see him sharing memes that are in the trend on his feed all day, discussing latest movies or upcoming web shows or trolling and giggling on adult jokes you tell him but after it gets dark,the sky and his heart;when it fades,the day and his smile; when he is alone and serious in his room, when clock is just about to hit midnight, he is lying with his eyes wide open thinking about his future, career, job and You.He always tunes up to the same classical old songs that are out of trend now.He may try on many girls on instagram get over you and your memories but after two days or three he loses his interest in that flirting also because he doesn't find you there. Men, no matter how much they show you that they are strongest, hardest and simplest of all, some puzzles of their mind, even they don't know how to solve. And if you ever succeed to do that you're gonna get his respect and efforts for whole of your life. I wanna tell you that if you ever get such a man, stick to him, love him and do not give up on him so easily. They too want love like you do, they too want to be understood, like you expect. His life is also full of hustles and inconsistencies like yours. He's also been rejected and betrayed. Understand that there will be the days when he wouldn't be a perfect choice to make, he wouldn't be able to pamper, handle your mood swings like you expect him to do. There will be the days when he would be inconsistent, impatient and unbearable.There'll be the days when he will be the hardest person to choose and love.Staying with him isn't always going to be a paradise, somedays are going to be worse than the hell and those days are gonna be the days when he'll be needing you the most. The heart of man is very much like an ocean.You may see him quite and calm, smiling and relaxed, but there are innumerable storms and dreadful monsters hidden deep inside his mind. There are hidden battles he fights, in which he falls down, gets hurt, he bleeds, he cries without telling anyone, but he always returns home with a fake smile on his lips. And after that if you won't crown him, pick him up, value his efforts who else will ? If you won't build him up again after he breaks down, after his collapses who else will ? Your relationship should be a safe heaven for him not just another battlefield,the world is already hard enough for him. Don't just become another war for him he has to try to win. Men don't feel like sharing their problems always neither to you nor their friends or family.They want to keep them inside,face or solve them on their own and feel the fake emotional strength,they actually don't have.But in case,if he chooses to do it infront of you,I want you to respect that. He may show you that he is hard,insensitive and emotionless but right beneath his hardshell, he also has his sentiments and emotions in his delicate heart which he keeps hiding so that no one can ever break it again.I wanna tell you that if you ever love a man,love him like he can cry all night in front of you without a fear of being judged and,called weak and vulnerable;love him like he can burst out his tears putting his head on your lap like he used to do on his mother's when he was a child;love him like he doesn't need to stay strong when all he actually wants is to collapse. Sometimes you want to be understood so much that you forget to understand him as well.Let me tell you that if you ever love a man,love him as a whole,love every bit of him,love him with his flaws.He also wants that respect,that attention,to be pampered,appreciated and spoiled.If you ever love him,love his scars as well,love him standing beside him on that battlefield,love him to the point where his hurricanes vanish and sunshine appears.If you ever love a man,love him like he's never been loved before and he wouldn't be ever loved again.If you ever love a man, love him when he himself feel like he doesn't deserve to be loved. Love him on his hardest days and darkest nights,love him untill his storms are gone and a rainbow shows up in the sky.After all it ends, if you loved him like this, I promise he's gonna love you the same way and may be even harder.