Trying to overcome doubts and fears !

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  • of_fernweh 110w

    There's this big, empty hole inside me that only makes itself visible when I'm alone in my bed, trying too hard to sleep.
    Nothing seems to be ever enough to fill that hole.

  • of_fernweh 110w


  • of_fernweh 110w


  • of_fernweh 113w

    I am just wondering what is the reason why we are here at the first place .

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    Why do you all write?

    I write, because I am afraid. What's your reason?

  • of_fernweh 113w

    You don't know
    No, you'll never know
    What love is

    #NinaSimone #FavoriteSong #Jazz #Blues #songlyric #you #dontknow #whatloveis

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    You don't know how hearts burn
    For love that cannot live, yet never dies

  • of_fernweh 114w

    Although running away may not seem like a solution,
    There're situations that can't be fought by being in it.
    And running away could be the only way! There's no shame in it.


  • of_fernweh 114w

    Sometimes all you can do is to pretend that there actually was something nice about it, even when you know there wasn't.

    And that's called "Survival"...


  • of_fernweh 114w

    "What's Your Fantasy? "

    "​So what's your fantasy?" , He asked.

    She remembered  how the idea of her powerlessness excited him and tonight she wanted to excite him.

    "You and I are on a bus.." She whispered, staggeringly... 

    Aha! And? He encouraged her.. 

    "...that you are standing behind me, you grope me, and I have all these bags with me, I can't stop you and you're taking advantage of that.." 
    At that point, he stopped her, and said. " This is so shallow and mainstream. It doesn't excite me. "

    "Then???" Her voice was feeble, thinking she said something so wrong. 

    "I am a virulent person, you know it too. ..",
    as he spoke , his breathing became heavy, and he was turned on, it felt like every word he spoke was pumping more blood onto his limbs, and within seconds , he was on top of her... He held her down and whispered in her ears .."I treat you bad, I humiliate you. But you can't help coming back to me. That you can't even breathe when I discard you...." 

    She wasn't there. She was lost inside her head. Her docile body didn't fight either. Her mind was stuck in an infinite loop, that kept repeating :" is this your fantasy? ", even long after he ejaculated and separated from her.

  • of_fernweh 114w

    If you notice that you prefer reading old conversations with someone than initiating another, that is when you realise something has become irrelevant.
    A point of evolution or disintegration.

  • of_fernweh 114w


    ​Last night I watched a movie because I thought the actor in it reminds me of him. 

    I know it's not completely true. I love him. ....... Although I don't love the person he is now , I love what he meant to me. An idea of him. And I also know that the idea is far from the real , live him in flesh and blood. 

    The real him is an asshole, I have no doubt about it.  But the idea of him that had grown in me, perhaps a figment of my overactive  imagination strips him off all the assholery and presents his best self to me.

    And it feels like I can breathe only when the idea of him is kept alive  inside a corner of my mind and animated outside of it occasionally(by keeping in contact with the real him, may be). Whenever I try to kill him in me by shutting out the thoughts  completely, I can feel myself cut of from my oxygen supply. 

    But then I wonder how can an asshole be so nice. I remember all the good things about him, us... And I think only the idea of him in me can collate or make sense of the good memories and best of times we had shared. 

    I know it's not healthy. I am not sure how long I can go on like this.  And how far...

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    I am not sure how long I can go on like this.  And how far...