"Do you love me?"
There's a complicated answer hidden in the simple-worded question.
You say that you do. Your answer is always yes. You laugh and smile and encourage me when I feel lost. You have saved me and held me in my times of sorrow.
Your words say that you love me.
The mind, however, is a very powerful thing. It can be helpful and logical, yet deceiving and tricky.
My mind doesn't believe what you say. It doesn't think that you love me. My brain just will not listen to these so-called lies. It refuses to believe what could be a simple lie; it doesn't want to end up hurting again. Protection is what it's all about, but mostly it's unneeded.
I remember one time I told you about this. You looked at me with a serious tone, and told me that you care. You said it and you always say it, but it somehow isn't enough. I want it to be, trust me I do. I want so badly for my mind to process your words as true rather than false. I want to live happily, even if that joy fades away.
The thoughts spin around in my head over and over again. It's persistent, but I cannot control it. The words and thoughts and feelings flash through my head as I try to stay calm, stay still, but my brain is flooded with all of the negativity and doubt. Like a grenade, my head wants to explode and to release all of the noise inside.
I sit and listen to your words. I find comfort in them for a short while. I listen while I can.
Your eyes are sad, and your expression reflects how I feel on the inside. I feel remorse for even thinking that you're lying to me. I want to rip my brain to shreds.
You hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay.
And for the first time in who-knows-how long, I finally believe you.