I've been keeping myself low-key submerged under the ocean of atheism I surrendered myself to, years ago, coz my father told me gods don't exist or why else would bad things happen to good people. Though I find it hard to agree to his unquestionably stern skepticism, but all these years of living in a world where bad news form catchy headlines in the morning papers everyday, I couldn't find a healthier alternative to accept life.
My mother ridicules me now and then, saying maybe it was passed to me through DNA, but I wish I could tell her, beliefs can't transcribe into nucleotide bases and even if they do, they'd only pass down abberations that can't be born into a healthy person. And so I was born, without hereditarily passed inferiority to sayings like , "Things happen for a reason/ Good things happen to good people/ God is just"; (well and many others)
Maybe I'm an atheist, or maybe I'm just the closest to a hopeless logical positivist. I never met Moritz Schlick, but I can see why logical positivism failed. You can't just reduce the meaning of everything to the process of verification. Some people fall in love with wrong people, some people turn out to be wrong for us, not coz we or they're hopeless but what else would you be if you search for the moral of a story you never really lived.
We're all this way. We try finding the "spark" in mundane things. One day my friend told me she's tired of running after the boy she thought was her "one and only"; and now only the universe can make it happen for her. Maybe she just grew up, you can't wait an eternity for someone, when none of you can live that long either.
All the numbness you feel at two in the morning, eyes hurting, zooming in and out, over the pages you scroll on your phone, trying to find a video that'd tell you how to make tomorrow a better day. But you don't realise you can't wake up to a new day if you don't sleep before this day already turns down on your calendar.
Damn all the talks about the universe, the law of attraction, the laws of motion. I don't care if the universe goes to the big freeze or the big crunch, I'd rather keep digging into the land I've my feet on, coz that's the only place I'm on right now, but I only keep running around the graveyard of lies that keeps me alive in a world that only cares for the polka dots on my dress which look like I've printed on a scintillating grid illusion on to wear, just so this life appears somewhat less deluding.
I feel almost guilty of all these thoughts in my head. Science or arts, philosophy or mathematics, literature or music, I find nostalgia everywhere. The full stops at the end of every sentence I read seems to create another page, full of blanks and I try looking for melancholy in some other untouched subjects. The clock ticking on the wall too wants to lend me some time to explore the inevitable uncertainty, but it can't, coz even it is bounded by the man-made hands fitted inside its glass frame.
So I return back to heed to my father's words, maybe I wandered around a little too far into finding some purpose for a life that only gets better when I swallow some blue and red pills; even they know how the rainbow appears to me now, shades of happiness in somewhat magenta pastels.
And that's how we'll all live, like humanly monsters held by mundanity, clinging onto chains made of stainless-steel that still rust coz the winds in the world we live in, carry the iron from blood spilled in wars and disasters. Uncertainty is inevitable, and yes, that's life.
P.s yes, I'm trying. We all are. Sometimes our efforts aren't enough, but it's natural to get stuck at something, how else would you learn to do better. To anyone who reads this, hope you find your way soon.