She would text me “143” when she’d leave, after every time we would meet.
She loved me with her entire being and wasn’t afraid of what it would mean.
She trusted me with her heart while I struggled to believe that such a beautiful soul genuinely loved, valued, and cared for me - beyond what our eyes could see.
She gave herself to me and all I could do was nervously cling to the beauty I perceived when we created heaven on earth for each other, which allowed us to inter-dimensionally breathe.
I felt unworthy of it all and, even though I didn’t cheat, I think I ruined everything with my fear of failure, low self-esteem, and inability to dream my wildest dreams.
Now that I’m awakening to the ultimate identity of my multidimensional being, I reminisce from time to time on what we could’ve been if I hadn’t been oblivious and debilitatingly weak.
Now I dream when I’m not asleep, I’m starting to choose and believe in me, and I’m fearless in willingly loving me...but now my eyes can’t see her, my ears can’t hear her, and my hands can’t hold her - so inevitably, now it’s harder to breathe.
Sometimes, I feel incomplete and I’ll admit it, it feels a bit like I’m lost at sea...searching for a rescue boat that reads “143”.
How foolish of me? ...to seek to relive a love that yes, taught me plenty, loved me passionately, and helped set my soul free, but also made me internally bleed - so profusely that the world seemed utterly bleak.
You could say I was blind but now I see that we might have loved each other but it didn’t mean that she was the one for me - because now, without her, I feel free.
And I’m not sure if it’s causal or relational, but now I embrace that God breathes life into me.
Now it’s me, myself, and I; I think that’s how it was always supposed to be...meant to be.
...’Cause I am whole...complete; life is beautiful, meaningful, and purposeful...and it may sound sleaze, but I wouldn’t trade that for anybody, and that’s a deed.
The option of liberation finds you along the way. If you lean into your heart, you’ll be able to perceive the path you can choose for yourself which will make you truly, ultimately free from every expectation and attachment, including “what could’ve been”...