Am I being selfish??
"See, it was good meeting with the organisers. It just took an hour to convince them. I will pick you up tomorrow morning" my manager says and leaves. Why meet organisers when I wouldn't be able to attend the show?? I opens the door and enters. It was really tiring day. The most tiring part of the day was dealing with Nainika. It's OK. Just a few days more, Anirudh. You can do it. But, am I being selfish?? Am I doing wrong with her?? I moves towards my bedroom and pain kicks in. Ahhhhhhhhh. I grips my head in pain. Stop. My phone slips down my hand. This is worse than before. They are getting worse day by day. So, this is what dying feels like. When your heart pound hard enough to crack a rib. When loud squealing noises echo from an unseen source. When you look around and the world distorts, fades to black. When the last thing your brain registers is the thud of your head hitting the surface.
My eyes opens a little. The world is still blur. My head still aches but not as bad as before. I can feel someone's hand on my head. The touch is kind of curing my pain. I puts a hand on my heart. Oh! It's beating. Nowadays, I love the sound of my heart beating. I love that I am still alive. I tries to open my eyes completely. I sees a blur image of someone sitting beside me. Did someone saw me like this?? Is it my manager?? What am I gonna do now?? I tries to sit but pain strikes. "Ahhhhhhh" I screams in pain gripping my head. "Don't try to sit. Here, drink some water" a female voice says. I know this melodious voice. This is Nainika's voice. What is she doing here?? Is it really her?? I turns my head and sees Nainika sitting there with a glass of water in her hand. "Nainika??" I says. "I amhere" she says. "What?? What are you doing here??" I asks. "Just wanted to visit you. I missed you" she says in a cheerful voice. "How did you get here??" I asks. "No one can keep me apart from you, not even you" she says. She is behaving different today. I have never heard her talking this cheerfully. Did she got to know?? Did she?? How?? No, that can't be. "You can go now" I says. I tries to get up but slips. Before I can hit the floor Nainika catches me. I stands by myself getting out of her arms. "You should go to hospital" she says in a sad tone. "For what??" I asks like I don't know what she is talking about. "Stop lying now. Just stop. You should know when to lean on others. You don't always have to act this strong. I know everything. Stop it now" she says irritated struggling to keep her tears from falling. "How did you??" I asks. "I saw the video you made" she says. Shit! I shouldn't have recorded that vidio. "Oh! That's all fake. That was an audition video for a film" I says smiling. "I met your doctor" she says. I have nothing to say now. "You should get a treatment in hospital" she says. "What good will that do?? Didn't my doctor told you I am hopeless??" I says. "No, you are not" she says. I can't let my emotions take over me now. I can see how much she is hurting just when she got to know about my disease. What will happen when I die?? I have to do something. I grabs her hand and drags her out of the bedroom. "No, please don't push me. Please don't push your own emotions. I want to start again with you before its too late, before I regret it. Please" she says and gets out of my grasp. "I know you already know but I still want to tell you that I love you. I really, completely, uncontrollably love you. And that's why I can't stand wasting another minute, another second not being with you. I cannot feel your pain. I can't be in pain for you. I have a disability that impairs my ability to take care of others. That's why I am planning to stand by your side from now on. Whenever you need me, I will extend my hand out to you. So, give me a chance Huh!" she says crying now. Tears are trying to come out of my eyes. I grabbed her hand and pushed her out of the room. I closes the room door. "Go away. Get out of my hotel room" I shouts and slips down the door of the room. I grabs my head and let's my tears fall down. I know she too is sitting by the door. I can hear her sobbing. I puts one of my hand on the door trying to feel Nainika. "Just think of me as someone you bumped into. You can tell me about the things you can't tell anybody. About your pain. Think of me as the flowing wind. If you are tired you can lean by my side. I am also fine with you yelling at me or complaining and then.... " she says and starts crying. "And then... You can leave me whenever you want. I won't ask you to stop. But please let me stay by your side. Please" she completes. Now tears are coming out of my eyes nonstop. Why?? Why do this disease and Nainika both are in my life?? There should've been just one. Either Nainika or this disease. How did I end up like this with such a girl?? No one is as unlucky as I am. No one.
(rest will be posted in few minutes)