My Naked Truth, Vulnerable, Proud & still a little Shy
Integration & Appreciation
How far have I come?
I am feeling the end of a 3 year cycle. I have been reminded of different aspects of my old self from 3 years ago, that now are no more. Though it's definitely longer. 3 years ago is I first begun my journey to self. I've simultaneously been walking on different roads of healing. It's certainly a time to see & even take a moment to appreciate the positive changes you have achieved. Here are what's come up for me, just yesterday, reminding me how far I have come. Universe is cheeky like that. As I continue to strive to be my best, healthiest, happiest self & as present as possible, I feel this is a beginning.
As I begun this journey, of uncovering all those hidden wounds my drunk ego would carry I begun to miss her. I was healing and integrating her. There was a distinct point when I felt a huge loss, a void, I couldn't figure it out. It was my drunk ego. She was aspects of me such as; the crier, the determined, the angry (only sometimes), the fun one, the passionate, the promiscuous. She also carried these traits because I was raped. So when I stopped drinking, I worked through the Ptsd that came up & then slowly the other aspects. One day I didn't miss her anymore because she joined me, we integrated.
2. Sex - self love, worth & respect. I am not sure if she has totally integrated yet...it's been 3 years!! She's changed though lol
3. Relationships & codependency - realising I am an empath/HSP I had to unlearn & relearn emotions, distinguish between mine & others & value my own emotions.
4. Anxiety & Depression - understanding & accepting I had both most my life. Working with it. Still fighting the voice saying "what's wrong with me?"
5. Drugs - on & off through my whole life & yet I don't feel it was really out of control until just before I stopped drinking & when I stopped drinking depression hit really bad (my dark night of the soul). I can totally understand "self medicating" in another light now. But they stopped working too...it's been a year. Considering I felt like I had dropped ecstacy the other night & it was that part when its just kicking in, from a cup of green tea, I don't think there's any going back.
2-5 I am not quite at the point to go into detail about. But what I do know is as these vices & crutches no longer worked for me, they left my life. They left my life because I pleaded with something I didn't know I understood at the time. I "set intent" if you will, to never let myself feel that way again. Somewhere within I knew there had to be something better than that...all getting to point of me needing change, almost as if there was no other option. I needed distance & a sort of division to peel back the layers to find me. To not need for things outside of me. To regain control of myself & my direction. To see clearly. To step back & know what I truely desire. Its been 3 years. I have pretty much "done the work" alone. It was necessary for me to.
It's like I am coming full circle & now a new set of challenges arise, but I'm excited about them. As if I have integrated within, but now need to relearn & integrate with others. Everything is new. Yes scary, but new & exciting too. I don't want others to know my story for me to be understood. I want them to know, for them to know they can too.
I have learnt so much & it is all integrating right now!