• thesmallexistence 10w

    “A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort.” ⁣
    ― Gillian Flynn, Sharp Objects ⁣

    You look at me in utter confusion, you have seen it, haven't you? ⁣
    The patterns, the cycles I drive myself into. ⁣
    The things I do over and over knowing fully well how bad they are for me, ⁣
    How damning they are, these things I do. ⁣

    You saw me drink down that hot coffee, ⁣
    And said I was self-harming. ⁣
    I wasn’t, my father taught me to ⁣
    Gulp down all my disappointments, one word at a time ⁣
    And hold the poison gracefully in my voice box, ⁣
    So, all you can now hear is a sick gurgling sound ⁣
    But the deep blue of my skin is very well covered. ⁣

    You never asked me why I called you at 4 in the morning, ⁣
    Begging for you to pick me up, ⁣
    From my ex’s place. ⁣
    You see my grandmother told me once, ⁣
    Long ago, ⁣
    That good women worship their men, ⁣
    Agrees and accepts, nods and never says no. ⁣
    I’m not a good woman anymore, ⁣
    And I’m glad. ⁣

    You didn’t say anything when you saw me ⁣
    Sitting a little too close to the furnace. ⁣
    I was warming my cold heart, ⁣
    Sometimes the ice becomes too heavy for me to handle, ⁣
    To be a human sometimes is a wonderful yet unattainable fantasy. ⁣

    You gave me the benefit of doubt, ⁣
    When I said I was unknown to the fact that my new lover ⁣
    Was blissfully married, ⁣
    When I told you that it was a mistake, ⁣
    And also, when I told you this won’t happen again. ⁣

    I don’t think it was a surprise when you ⁣
    Found me almost dead, ⁣
    At your doorstep. ⁣
    You still offered me a glass of water and an abundance of love. ⁣
    But you see mother warned me of people like you. ⁣
    The pagans of love, stay away she said they all leave. ⁣
    That is why I didn’t wait, ⁣
    I departed. ⁣

    You told me once that I was badly broken, ⁣
    Irreparable. ⁣
    I won't agree or disagree. ⁣
    I may sometimes deviate towards comfort, ⁣
    Because that’s all I've known. ⁣
    Poison has worked too well on me ⁣
    But lately its losing touch. ⁣
    The only blue thing now is the sky ⁣
    And if you listen closely you can hear me hum.

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    Song of self harm