I Am Healing.
I don't know how to accept all these love and attention. There is a voice in my head constantly telling me to quit before anyone quit on me. I'm on autopilot whereby these thoughts repeatedly resurface and I continuously react to it. I have sabotage all the happiness and good things that comes my way because I have become my emotions, I have become my thoughts. The damages have already been made I don't think I'll ever heal because even my thoughts are changed, the guilt of all the happiness I sabotaged in the past will haunt me forever. But I still have to do it, I have to embark on this healing journey. It is a MUST DO, for the reason that, if I don't, I risk eternal misery caused by self destruction from simply avoidable things by facing my demons through healing once and for all.
I began therapy, two sessions in a week for the first few weeks I felt great. My therapist was really understanding and made me come to terms with some of the things I was in denial with. My therapist helped me redirects my attention, made me mindful of my activities and thoughts and in that first few weeks my therapist managed to pull me out of autopilot mode. I felt really good and each week I never missed a session. Then suddenly one morning I was in the shower hugging myself so tightly crying my eyes out. My thoughts came back and the guilt left me shuddering. I don't deserve to feel this good, I don't deserve anything that tiny voice in my head kept whispering. Several minutes later I came out, wiped my face and told myself it's okay, my therapist told me to always say that whenever I feel not okay. But I had forgotten the second part, to accept that something happened and that I needed to talk about it. So I told myself it never happened. Denial. I began tilting back to square one. I missed my session that week and the week after not because I was feeling great. No. But I was feeling horrible and undeserving and I kept telling myself I was okay and that I do not need therapy again. Few weeks later I bumped into my therapist at an event and my therapist immediately noticed how I am. I don't know if therapist possess psychic powers or so. Anyways my therapist managed to talked me back into coming back to therapy and I went back.
My therapist told me all the importance of addressing oneself by writing and advised me to start journaling. So I took to my journal, organized my thoughts and tried to remember all what my therapist always tells me and I began writing... " Dearest self,
The first thing I learnt when I went back to therapy was that therapy is not equal to healing. And healing from something that has been there your entire life (that you no longer know who you are outside of that something) is not what you can achieve in a few days or weeks. It could take years or it could take the rest of your lifetime. Dear self, please keep in mind that Healing is a journey, and that journey can get really messy at times, and sometimes you may feel like you're heading no where. You may feel like you're moving in a circle, like you're forever bound to your demons. Be rest assured. In whatever way you chose to heal, and whatever you feel on your journey, and even if it sometimes feel like you're stuck, never give up, keep going. Allow yourself to accept the fact that even on your healing journey somedays you will still feel like crap, and somedays you won't feel at all. The good news is, as time goes on, most days you will feel great and the days your demons try to attack you'll learn to counterattack them and eventually those days become insignificant. Because dear self, You are healing.