• ronak_bafna 6w

    I have become a little heartless, a little cold, a little reserved and a little selfish. I am not really proud of losing my old pure self, but let's say that I am happy about this change. I have realized pure things have no place in today's world of fakes and liars.
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    I have lived enough to see people change, for no reason. I have felt my heart ache for the heartless soulless humans, who don't even remember a thing we did, talked and promised. I have slept with my open dry eyes, dreaming about: "why me, why always me?" I have wasted my days, living in regret, in dark and in that stupid hopeless hope of maybe somehow things will work out. So, when I say let me be a little selfish now, I have my reasons. I have my bloody own reasons to go heartless.
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    Look, I have wasted too much of my life in being that innocent pure little kid. Yes, it feels good to be good. I was proud of myself too, but that age has gone, that time is buried in the classic novels and that time is just a reminder that humanity once existed. So, when I say I want to be a little bad, it just means I want to be like rest of them, the rest of humans in the new world of doom. I don't want to be a toy that anyone can play with and then throw it in the bin, as if I have crossed my expiry date of usefulness. You need to understand why I need this shield, this veil and this protection from feelings and people.
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    But have I turned into that "I hate everyone" monster? No, hell no. Somewhere deep in my heart, I know that someone will come along one day and caress my scars into beautiful work of art. I still believe that there can still be a beautiful heart in the pool of ugly souls. But I am too scared to believe that I have found one. My soul shivers when I start to like someone. My heart pleads with me to give it a chance, but my brain stands cold. There is this constant fight between me and me. A me who wants to try one last time and a me who says you have tried enough.
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    And no, even with this new changed me, I am not going to harm anyone, I am not going to play with people and I am not going to use people for my selfish gains. I will just stay distant, like a harmless kid sitting in the corner in the class. I just don't want to hurt myself, again. And in that quest, if I make myself look like an arrogant snobby selfish little asshole, then I am fine with it. But maybe, if you will really try to understand me, you will come and sit next to me, saying: "Even I am with you on this. People are bad, very bad."

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    Why have I become a little heartless?