• mahi_surbhi1 10w

    FEAR&LOVE

    I was in a relationship with someone for four years.
    Long time & long story.
    That was to gather your attention to click on ' read more'.

    It has been more than a year of the breakup.
    You know I lack adjectives to describe how it was.
    Well, if you are reading this. You can relate to how relationships are meant to be. Both Tea & Coffee with different flavours.
    I survive on icecreams and presently I have two boxes of chocolate icecream to give me the courage to open up. Read this entire piece to help me out & be my book.

    I have been an old school girl who used to breeze through books.
    I was the child with the torch under the duvet late into every night. An academic nerd who used to daydream of imperfect perfect Love who would love her like Romeo.
    Theory of ' True and Eternal Love'.
    So I fell in love with 'Him'. Initially, I was a shy girl who took millions of hours to open up. I didn't know how to balance it out.
    How much you should care?
    How much you should talk about?
    phela phela pyar tha yaar!

    10 th over. We were out of school. 12 th : Both in different schools but in the same city.
    Falling in love was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me.
    You have sunflower in your life who would hold your hands in the dark & day. He was the first sunshine of my day. I didn't know how he became my morning alarm. My virtual meal partner who was just 30 minutes away from me.
    He turned out to be my strength, my best friend. My nest away from dad was in his arms.
    The warmth of his hug and a forehead kiss was enough for my little insecure self.
    It's hard to express and open up. Dude!
    Still, reading this?

    The warmth of his lips always drove me crazy for him. His deep eyes were similar to eyes of my dad. So insightful, I couldn't resist loving the reflection of my dad.

    I wish I had tears in my eyes and my heart sank now.
    " U" turn. I wish God created that.
    But the 1500 days of my life was already written with 'Him'.

    Time: Days passed and my fear was slowly being true. The colours of care, love, understanding faded.
    Similar to the stories of my 3 AM novels.
    Uncountable unanswered messages and calls wrote my further story.
    My petals were falling apart. I was engrossed to hold them together. My Sunflower was not anymore sunflower.
    He turned to be Rose. Rose which had thorns.

    I stopped writing yesterday. You know ! Right now it's 7 PM& i'm standing across the bridge.
    Bridge. I wish i could add ironical meaning now.
    But it's empty. The only sound i could hear is :
    The energetic bubbles bursting below the bridge. Smiliar to how my love story bursted.
    I wish i could come here every midnight & feel the essence of my pain.
    Pain which once dominated my existence.
    I feel hollow. There's absence & i want to just write this unending piece which i have to end.
    The boy whose happiness tuned to my dreams suddenly disappeared from my life.
    At momemts, i used to pinch myself to make sure that it was a bad dream.
    Subconsciouslly, i wished to dial the most dialed number.
    Reality pinched me back.
    Insomania that's what reality gifted me.
    Novels and Coffee, the only partners i could rely upon & obviously tear & pain.
    The depth of pain was unimaginable.
    My heart could not resist the pain and in search for lost love and care, i called him.
    " Blocked".
    As if he blocked feelings for me. I breathed and wished i could block feeling so helpless.
    Take me to parallel universe so i could breathe love and care.
    'Emotionally weak", the tag which i received from my close people.
    Everytime i missed him, i longed for shoulder to cry upon. A hug to calm me.
    Tearful nights with novels and coffee and day full of fake happiness in school.
    What i needed at the moment ?
    My father's hug. I wanted to cry to the end in his arms. But i could'nt.
    Coward! that's what i was.
    My cowardness didn't allow me to realise that i will heal.
    1 month & thousands calls to my ex which perhaps piled in his blocked list.
    I begged him for a ' Reason' to destroy my beautiful tale.
    Unanswered.
    My soul cried for justification.
    My heart ached for love and life.
    Answer ?
    " I don't love you."
    Each word felt like a sword in my heart.
    Why ? I was dying inside for justification.
    Millions of second passed & there was another woman added to my story.My heart was brutual.
    " I'm his girlfriend."
    ' Thank You', i uttered and then silence dominated me.
    I cried that night. I just cried.
    .
    .
    .
    For almost 90 days, he never existed in my story.
    My past with him was blank.
    I had no past.
    I didn't cry after that night.
    Perhaps my tears gave up that night.
    My soul was crushed.
    .
    .
    .
    Out of blue, perhaps i was living in my parallel word.
    I saw him longing for my love, my care. He was vacant.
    Craving for my attention.
    Truth : He had lied to me about his relationship earlier. The drama of fake relationship was so well directed in my real life.
    But it was Reel for him.
    .
    .
    " One more chance", we all crave for that. isn't it?
    I was emotionally strong enough to forgive him and an emotional fool too.
    His girlfriend was reel but my pain was REAL.
    He was back to normal.
    But i had no eraser of reel story to erase the insecurity which i was suffering from.
    Perhaps I was a trophy to show off.
    Insecurities crafted my futher story.
    Lies and lies were narrated to me.
    & the fear of loosing him enveloped and disguised my true self.
    Trust.
    Acceptance.
    Love.
    Care.
    I was craving for these ' medicines ' to heal me.
    But my wounds were never taken care of.
    Strength of fear was far way heavy than my courage to ask him for justification all again.
    My 12 th examinations passed.
    I was back in my cocoon, with my family.
    Unanswered Calls and messages.
    The same pain.
    .
    I was verbally abused.
    Justification : " I was playing PUBG".
    You can't.
    I deserved an apology.
    I wasn't given.
    No calls after the abuse.
    .
    .
    .
    Justification ?
    Nope.
    Dreams which make you run.
    For me it was my father's dreams which made me run on the track of life although i was dying inside.
    Delhi was waiting for me. You are expecting an apology and leaving the city. With the biggest curve on my face and sword in my heart, I dared to call him to meet for the last time.
    " Blocked".
    My heart craved for his voice. ' Mahi' ,that's all i wanted to hear.
    Self-Respect, I sacrificed that.
    I used my Dad's phone to call him with the hope that the lifeless equipment could bring life to my died hopes.
    " Let me sleep & i can't meet. Why are you telling me?"
    " You can't hold the petals together."
    Dude.
    So I said myself an ' Emotional Fool'.
    Or maybe I understand the value of Love.
    .
    .
    New city, Dillwalo ka sher.
    Par Dil lgta nhi tha apun ka.
    I was beautifully broken.
    Running away from reality, I kept myself away from love.
    .
    I feared love and friendship.
    Opening up with anyone , Herculean task for me.
    So, an extrovert turned to be an introvert.
    I feared care.
    The parametes of strength changed from crying and sharing to hiding and faking.
    Faking below makeups and photoshoots.
    " I made my Reel life happy".
    Ironical, i'll be posting this on Instagram and you are reading my Real Story.
    .
    .
    " I felt pity for you so i returned back to your life.
    How could have i allowed you to ruin your life? "
    That was the justification.
    I was in Delhi, adjusting with new people and environment, coping with my insecurities amd heartbreak.
    He suddenly justifies me after months.
    Being not loved was okay for me.
    Being loved because of pity and sympathy was not okay for me.
    " Using me emotionally", wasn't okay.
    IT WAS NOT OKAY.
    .
    .
    I request if you are feeling pity or sad about me, don't read after this.
    " You need courage to accept the fact that i was strong enough to forgive him twice and i'm strong enough now while penning it down."
    .
    We all have been caged in our own homes now.
    All under same circumstances.
    Approaches, especially from your past.
    " Bhai, phir se ni"
    Ho gyi glti bro.
    Mai hoon emotionally fool.
    Read on ab..
    1 AM : How could i forget the most dailed number ?
    .
    Ignorance but kitne der tk.
    " We talked almost after months for hours and hours."
    We shared our problems and desries.
    Weeks passed.
    " I love you.", and I was numb.
    There was no craving for love. I was free of pain.
    But has the world turned upside down?
    No, it wasn't.
    .
    .
    Days passed.
    & countless calls.
    But i felt nothing.
    There was hollow inside.
    " ABSENCE"
    .

    " I never said you, I LOVE YOU ".
    His words and voice.
    &
    My Numbness.
    " I felt relieved the day.
    I couldn't feel anything.
    No loss.
    No pain.
    " I have moved on."
    " I deserve the best"
    " I'm ready for love"
    " He was a chapter"
    " I still have an entire story to write."
    ©mahi_surbhi1