Things you'll probably never read
See, there's a lot you don't know
For example, every day I have to break my heart in order to stop myself from running back to you
Because you lied
And you cheated
And you abused and used me
And I'm left here asking myself
How can I make my heart understand
That even though I let you in
Even though I loved you, more than I loved myself
Even though we bonded and I gave you a part of me I couldn't even begin to imagine taking back
... You didn't actually feel the same...
You were okay with hurting me
You were okay with watching me beg and cry and plead and reason and shut down and distance myself from everything and everyone and become someone I'm not, for the sake of one thing
To keep me around
So I don't know what to think now
When you tell me you've changed, and you cry and apologize and we talk it all out.
You don't know how fucking hard it is, every time, to look at the one thing... The one person you want more than anything to be real, and remind yourself that it wasn't healthy.
You don't know how fucking hard it is
To tell your heart, to tell your soul
That the love you feel
You don't know... Just how messed up I am...
Because of what we were...
What I believed...
And what I still feel...