Over the past year, I have experienced things that I wouldn't have previously thought imaginable. The things that have developed are: a severe panic disorder, suffocating depression, and a haunting realization that...I don't want to be here anymore, yet I don't want to leave, knowing that I could potentially affect someone else's life.
Time will eventually erase us all, but how much time will I have taken from somebody else's life by taking my own? I don't want to be a burden anymore-- regarding who I have become--which is a pathetic version of my actual self. I also don't want those who care, or who remember the real me--which is the best version of me--to worry or be sad when I am gone. I don't like to think about what could have been, because all that I ever wanted to be was a family man, who clocks in/clocks out, and goes home to a wife and kids every night. It doesn't sound like it should be a distant dream, but it is.
Everyone makes mistakes, and though I know that I could have done better in certain situations to keep my family intact, I will never be convinced that anything I did was bad enough to have ever lost it all. Sometimes couples need help to solve things that they cannot solve on their own. Minor issues become major ones when they don't have to. When you supposedly care enough about someone, you do whatever it takes. If you can't figure it out on your own, then you get help. You don't just walk away, and break a family apart, when the potential for a brighter future is obviously there. You take responsibility for your actions, (because it is never the fault of just one person) you put away your selfish pride, and you get yourself some much needed answers. You work on things, together. You cannot just view yourself as 110% right all of the time, and leave the blame solely on the other person. You come to realize the importance of getting over yourself, for the benefit of all, and you look at the bigger picture.
At the end of the day, it is your immediate family and maybe a few close friends who really matter. No one else. No one on the outside actually cares. Everyone has their own battles. If everyone felt stronger about working on their immediate circles, then collectively...the world would become a better place.
Why do children have to be dragged around, back and forth, when things could have been solved under one roof? I get that things can be irreconcilable. Sometimes children are conceived in loveless, meaningless situations. Sometimes people cheat, or hit, or abuse...over and over and over. I get it. We had NONE of that. We had the truest form of love that 2 people could possibly have. We had hardships that were out of our control, and we endured. We lived together for years, surviving paycheck to paycheck...and we endured. We made it through more than many people could ever hope to, and in the end...it was over before all of our options were truly explored.
When your done your done, right??? Pride is FAR more important than family, right??? Some people don't want professional help because God Forbid they may have to admit that some of what they were doing was wrong as well, right???
So...instead of doing all that it takes to keep a beautiful family together and bettering an overall situation with a little bit of self-evaluation, let us move on. Into the realm of brand new back stories, and brand new problems to discover the hard way we go. At 35-40 years old, every single status carries a person who is going to bring a crapload of baggage to the table. As much as you want to believe that the person you find interesting has been a victim their entire lives...that will never be the case.
Everyone has contributed to their own demise. The key is to keep the ones that you have, when true love has been achieved. The ones who you have: shared a significant amount of time with, went through ups and downs with, and ESPECIALLY those who you have had children with. You figure it out. You have seen the best and the worst in each other, certainly after 5 years. So ask yourself...how bad is it really? Can it be fixed? Have we done all that it takes? You don't just throw someone overboard, and then expect them not to drown.
No one who cherishes every minute with their family should ever have to be away from their kids, namely someone who doesn't deserve to be. No one should have to see the person they love with another person...especially when the love that you have for them couldn't possibly be matched. No one should have to feel the amount of panic, pain, and devestation that a broken love, or a broken family brings...not when it could have been fixed. No one should want to end their lives, because the life that they had with another person was everything that they had ever wanted...but here I am.
Call me crazy. Call me selfish. Tell me to just get over it. Tell me that I can still have a huge impact on my children's lives as a part time parent. Tell me that they will grow up just as successful as the kid next door who had parents who gave a shit enough to tough it out. Tell me these lies, and call me whatever name you want. I don't blame you. I know how it seems.
Some people can just walk away from a burning building, and not even piss on the flames. Some people just don't want to deal with the "drama" that is every day fucking life. Usually, what that means is, they don't want to deal with the hard feelings or deep emotions that sometimes arise in an intense, passionate relationship. No, they would rather run for the fucking hills, when things are getting to be "too much".
I often wish that I was one of those stern, emotionless individuals who draw their fucking lines and walk them all like a fucking tightrope. Always cutting to the chase, and as black and white as you can possibly be. Never a gray area to mull over, nope. It is what it is. Their way or the highway. Not even the best possible argument could ever be made...forget it. Just accept that they are "right" and leave it alone, even when you know that they aren't....and see how long it takes before you go insane.
Oh, but we should know better, you know, the ones who see that there are a Hell of a lot more variables to a disagreement than just Yin and fucking Yang. We know not to waste our breath on someone who stays on point, even if the point is dull as fuck. We should: walk away, leave things open, and admit that we are "wrong".
Except...what if you fall in love with someone like that? Surely, someone who loves you would be willing to communicate effectively and compromise, right??? After all, this is what life is all about isn't it? True love? Family? A comfortable future together? Bringing the best out of one another? Realizing your faults, and making an effort to change? Doing everything that it takes to make it work?
Well, at least I THOUGHT that this was what life was all about. Now, it's merely an existence. Surviving for no apparent reason. Suffering. Dying. Hating what IS, when it could certainly still BE. Feeling helpless and hopeless by thinking "If I could help how I feel, I would".
Kudos to all of the overcomers, I envy you. Accepting that final defeat, scrounging for the scraps that you were left with, and keeping your head up...regardless. Making the best out of a bullshit situation, carelessly watching a stranger mingle with your family, and wearing a genuine smile. I don't know how you do it, I honestly don't. My only guess, is that you find a way to go completely numb...but how? How do you keep yourself from thinking about this shit every second of every day? How do you go from being in your children's lives everyday, seeing them learn and grow, being a consistent presence for them to turn to when they need help, and become a weekend parent? Now all of a sudden, you are busy trying to make up for lost time...scrambling to come up with meaningful arrangements where you can hopefully create a few lasting memories. Trying to keep yourself relevant in your children's eyes, when you never had to before. You were THERE! Every day. You could focus on the major issues. Teaching them with consistency, nipping all of those negative behaviors in the bud with CONSISTENCY, knowing everything that they are: doing, learning, and saying on a daily basis. Never missing out on ANYTHING, and ALWAYS being there. Never having to say goodbye. Never having to explain why it is that you cannot stay with them. Never having to miss them, more than just the middle of the day.
I will never understand why true love isn't fought for more seriously. Would you sell a vehicle that you truly loved, if it wasn't running, or would you have a mechanic diagnose the problem and fix it? If it can be fixed, you fix it. You love it. Deep down, you remember the good times that you had with it. You aren't supposed to define something based on flaws or issues. You: find the good in things, focus on what truly matters, and bust your ass to be happy again.
My point to all of this is...never give up on something that you truly love. True love is an imprint on a person's heart. It never dies. If you feel like it has, then it wasn't true love. Never take a relationship to it's highest possible level, unless you are absolutely sure that you are willing to fight for it, always and forever. Quitting on something that was once so beautiful, can ruin the other person forever.