• scarecrow 10w

    I wish I could skip a day or two or take a week long break from all of these feelings. It's raining outside, I've been feeling strange for a few days, and I have a class in 1.5 hours. After a long busy day of assignments and excess screentime, I find no time for myself. I often wonder if I belong in this field at all and where am I going with this. While the offline world is on hold, I feel this pressure to figure it all out ASAP. 6 months have passed. I'm looking for certainty. In career, in friends who'll stay, in a partner who would be available. And it feels like I'm going even farther away from where I want to be. What's the purpose of these classes when I'm still at the same spot, stressing myself to get things done, finding no time my own. And on Sundays when I go to sleep, staring into nothingness and feeling the void. The void that I avoid throughout the week, covering it up with assignments and presentations and skipped meals and group meetings. The void that's been building day by day. And while trying so hard to live a life so practical and occupied where you hardly have time to overthink, this feels like a glitch that I feel like reporting. "Just keep yourself busy", I tried the ultimate Feeling Repellent. Why is it not working? Why am I still feeling this? Why does it feel this way to be bearing it all on my own? To feel the lack of a human? But I've been asked to be completely independent. I'm trying. And hence I can not complain. I can not weep. I wish I could not feel as well.


    21.09.20
    ©scarecrow