A terrible Father

I never understood you as a father or as a human being,
I hated lies and you always lied to me,
In the paucity of every circumstance,
Your ever old cliche of "I'll manage it",
All I wanted you to speak was reality,
But you could keep up the masquerade to fulfill all our fancies,
I wasn't mature enough to understand the jargons of your world or appreciate your forbearance,
Papa but you should have tried to explain it to me!!
I was scared of your unbridled confidence when the world around us was shattering,
But you could chose to be anything but ordinary!
Your damage more invincible ,
Your loss more irrevocable,
But you could bluff them all with your fake smile!
I hated that you never paid heed to the sage advices,
But what I could not understand was the fact that even if your ways flawed, your intentions were right!
I abhorred that you weren't there when we needed you,
But what I didn't understand that your absence was to fulfill a bigger need,
Mistook your stiff upper lip with indifference,
Your silence is something I decipher now with time!
Yes you were a terrible Father,
Your friends said you were a "Gambler"
And at the end you gambled with your own life!!
I had always wanted to run away from you,
But ironically you ran away from me!
But all these days you prepared me for this ,
So here I stand, a terrible daughter trying to figure out her terrible Father,
But unshackled of any grudge or repent,
As now I will always have you with me!!

I miss you papa
©kashaf028