This place has given me a vent to effuse about my pent up feelings. I started with basic human abstract thinking and everyone was so nice that I could explore some areas of my mind which were soiled and hated me for ignorance. So now, I don't feel scared when I talk about my deepest thoughts. Because who's sane enough to judge. We all have our challenges and we deal with them in sincerest ways. We also give up and realize it was never a solution and get back to where not giving up needed a little aid. After explaining my feelings to myself I started to write. I couldn't write it in the exact same fashion as I had felt it so I made up a story which only had snippet of the original story. I started to put those snippets of one great story into my numbered stories. I made sure nobody could understand the concept and no pieces could be put back together. I wanted my stories to be like the dandelions and disperse each emotion to the remotest parts of the space. And interestingly it really helped, I could fear putting it out while trying to kill that fear. But I lost the game when I thought maybe I shouldn't talk about anything, for it might not be encouraging or brightening up all positive patches of life. I thought I should wait till I get more power in my words. I thought power was a word that could hide darkness. But if you need to hide it you are wrecking the whole foundation. I now am not a positive person but I definitely know that I mistreated my will to write and that was a scam for a student of positivity. I killed my desperate wish to ink it and how could a fraud claim he is qualified enough to be an optimist. It isn't necessary to feel everything in herds. You can be the first one to carry them or you might also surprise yourself as you go. Your heart makes you unique and helps you get creative. Besides overthinking I listened to music this whole time and by that I mean music that never ended. I think I have blood that makes music now. I got drunk on music to shut all voices within me. It was playing at a volume that could kill my earphones let alone my real ears. I didn't want to think, so I read lyrics while listening to those lyrics being sung. Music can do things to your cursed brain. It's a leverage you use to protect yourself from yourself. Now that I'm writing I regret not writing about it this whole time. I'm not putting this up as a draft but posting right away because somethings just need to go raw so as to make you comeback and help you understand how you felt back then and how you breathed irrespective of not wanting to.
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