If we take a moment to think about it, we don't really feel fear very often. I'm not talking about the occasional jumpscare-while-watching-a-horror-movie fear. I'm talking about fright. I'm talking about when fright takes over your brain making it send the body wrong signals leading to a panic attack.
I had a quiet panic attack while laying on the bed a couple days ago, trying to fall asleep. I'm quite sure it was because of me being scared and frightened. And I'm quiet sure I was scared and frightened because I was uncertain about everything. Throughout my short life so far, I've rolled with the punches and dealt with things as they came up. From a young age I realized that I could easily manage by doing the bare minimum. And I've lived through everything with this philosophy I've always done the bare minimum at school with homework and projects and exams. I've always done the bare minimum at home with family and friends. I've lost friends that I grew up with because I was too lazy to dial a number or write a shitty email. Because I've always done the bare minimum.
Everyone has dreams and I'm no different. I dream of being rich and happy with a good job that I'm passionate about. To achieve that goal, I've always told myself that I was capable of working hard for it when it counted. But that time has not come for me yet. I've graduated from bloody high school doing the bare minimum. Did I not feel that my final result counted? I still did reasonably well but that is not how I want my life to be like. I mean, no one wants a reasonable life (if that even makes sense). And the thought that's been bugging me the most is that time to work hard, to make it count; will that ever come for me? Will I ever finish what I do and be proud of my work? Will I ever receive praise instead of acceptance? Will I ever go the extra mile for ANYTHING? Just asking myself these questions that night made me hyperventilate out of fright.
I realized I couldn't become my best self if I didn't trust myself. I realized that I didn't trust myself because I've always done the bare minimum.