I don't know anymore.
I suppose I could blame it on the night or the up coming cycle of red. The world burning down and fear in everyone eyes. I could make excuses of staring down monster in their prime. I can even say it was just today, the montage of sad songs that played on repeat as the clouds floated across the sky, but even the dog could sense it in the air. How I had changed. How something inside of me remained broken. But hadn't it always been broken ? My emotions churning in my stomach and questioning why I even try to atone my sins. Why I don't turn on the news and why i am stuck in the middle of a war . Living in a society where you must choose a side but I am trying to refuse. But how do I follow the one rule of love everyone when I question my own worth ? When I use people to spark something inside of me when I feel like I am dying. I hold more counseling session in a week about self destruction and self worth then most people will ever hear in a life time and I am not a psychologist. I have to hold the hands of people that society has thrown away because kindness I've conceived myself will solve everything or at least help me sleep at night. My thoughts race , my anxiety rises because I do not hold the answers and my honest opinion usually leaves feelings hurt. Because I stand behind the thin blue line of those who chose to risk their lives for someone else sake. Who are task deal with people who are in their chaos and if you never seen someone in their chaos you dont get it. When light goes off in someone eyes. When you questions if you'll make it home, while some 3 times you size is screaming hatred at you. I breathe in and listen. The chaos eventually slows but I walk away shaking everytime. My heart bleeds for the hero's who kissed their children goodbye for the last time and a folded flag is all they get in return. But I stand with those who have been abused by the badge because someone forget why they were wearing it. I stand with the victims of every hate crime and discrimination, every person who has felt unsafe walking or driving their own car. Whether it's driving while black, wearing a turban on an airplane, being Chinese in a pandemic, or of the wrong gender in the wrong outfit too late night. Are we not all victims with a story tell. Growing up in with a silver spoon in our mouth or going hungry to bed every night we all have choice. We all have options. We all have failed. Given a task: love everyone as I have loved you. Why do we find that so hard to comprehend. Why do we justify loving one and not the other. We all bleed red. We all shed tears. We are all children of God. Lay down your hate. Lay down your thoughts of suicide, homicide , genocide. Let them go. Someone else has already paid the price. No one else has to. Someone already gave their Son for your life and mine. I am pleading with your soul not your emotions that turn in the night like mine. Think twice before you let evil come out of your mouth. Don't let it win today. He has already won the war of our brokenness. Let Him it carry it. We don't have to cheer on our champion because I know He has already won. Evil will be in the hearts of men always. It will be in our streets, lurking for a prey but if we are busy giving up our hate then evil wins a little less everyday.