Somewhere amid the pain, it feels good
to know that it's not just me who is hurting.
Someone somewhere is hurting too.
"Someone"? No, everybody hurts. Everybody
knows pain. Everybody gets betrayed.
But a few of them are the sensitive souls,
so sensitive that they can remember their
hurt crystal clear for years. That's how
much things can captivate a person's
mind. When somebody is in pain, they show
a thousand signs which I can safely say that
I notice. And when when I do, I act. I try to
save as many people from the hurt as I can.
This isn't what upsets me. What deeply
saddens me is that I travel that extra mile
to do everything that I can to help people.
Even though tired, even though exhausted
and even though in intense pain myself, I
still take that one extra step just to help
people. And all of this, I do not do for
selfish reasons. I do this because I care.
I do this because I don't want anybody else
to reach the level I'm on. I do everything for
everybody, out of love and affection. But
why do the wise say, "What you give comes
back to you" when it's only hurt that keeps
coming back to me no matter how kind
my acts are? Why is it the most hurtful
words that are shot my way? I try to be
so gentle with my words and yet why does
everybody's words feel like perfect bullets
going right through me? No act of kindness
that I do is ever valued because all I keep
getting is so much more pain. Should I
stop caring? Should I stop being good?
Because being good only does me harm.
Being caring and loving is draining all
my energy. If I let myself care, all I feel
is pain. And I'm too tired to suffer from
any more pain. I am too tired of seeing
people hurt me and walk away pretending
like they are the victims. How many more
years of horror before it all ends? How
many more wounds before people realize
how bad they have hurt me? How many
more sleepless nights and how many
more tears on the bathroom floor? Simply,
how much more pain and sorrow? I no
longer hold the capacity to endure any
more of it. I just want the pain to end but
it just doesn't no matter what I do. I am
caught in a loop of hurt and pain that I am
unable to break free from. I need it to end.