#23: Letter2 to Future Husband
Well its me again.. I am 26 now, soon turning 27 in the next 2 months and we haven't met yet...
I am currently in that phase of life now where everybody around me is either getting married or having babies and everybody around me is even so concerned about my marriage.. my family has started looking for you and as the time is passing I see them getting desperate for you...
With everything around, it is no wonder that I keep thinking about you too. You know when I was a kid I was that cheesy girl who thought one day a prince charming will come riding his horse and save me from the world and we will live happily ever after. I have seen lots of love in my family. My mom and dad are an icon of love for me... They are my idols in a lot of things but love is something they have really topped in always.. you know they are the ones who said that they cannot imagine their life without each other and they actually couldn't. My uncle and aunt or my massi - mausaji.. every couple in my family that i have seen closely has a unique kind of relationship but there is one thing which is common in all of them- they love and respect each other in there own ways and touchwood, all of them are a happy couple. Yet somehow now when I think about marriage, it scares me.
I don't know if I want to get married at all. I have been really lucky to have been born in such a family where love truly exists but I have seen the world around me too and I know it's not always so..
Honestly speaking, I don't think I am ready for marriage... I just said yes to my family to look for grooms because they started to worry about it and I don't want them to be worried for me. In fact, I don't know if I will ever be ready for marriage... I am too afraid of it...
You know I had to become independent a bit early in my life and when life happened I had no one to guide me through it... As I grew up I made my own choices/decisions and not all of them were right of course and am afraid that when life will happen to us and we go through some problem I may not be able to make the right choice and I don't have anyone to advise me or guide me on that too... I have seen my friends call their parent for even the slightest issues and I have seen that parents give you the best advice something that Google can't do yet... I have seen my friends take a lot of risk in there life because they know if something goes wrong they have their parents to support them. Unfortunately, I don't have people to advise me and neither did I had this freedom to take such risks. Whenever I faced a problem, I analyzed it on my own and made my choice on what I felt was best at that moment and whatever was the outcome of these choices I faced them alone. So far its just been me but after marriage, it won't be the same and that scares me.
Well, that's the big issue, but apart from it, there are other reasons too like I have got so used to living alone for so long that I am not sure I will be able to share my space with someone... I have also got used to keeping things and my feelings to myself and I don't know how long it will take for me to open up to you or trust you but I will try my best for sure and if you are reading this that actually means am trying... I am used to solving my problems on my own and in such case I need my own time... Believe me if I need your help I will come to you but at first I may try to solve things on my own and I don't know how you are going to feel about this but try to understand I have to take my own responsibility and I just can't depend on anyone.
When I was a teenager, I wanted that crazy love that makes your heart beat faster. When your brain stops working and in a room filled with people, you have eyes for that one person and only him. The cheesy kind with love letters and framed pictures. A love story that beats all odds.
I’m almost 27 now. I’m sitting in my room, in the middle of the night, staring out the window every other minute as I type this and I’m feeling rather confused. There are three kinds of people in my life today – the helplessly single, the hopelessly in love and the once who have given up on love altogether. I feel lost among them all. I feel lost in general. There are days when I can’t wait to meet you. To smile at you and know in my heart ‘This is it. I’m done looking.’ Then again there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to meet you right away. I feel like i am not ready for it or may be i am too comfortable with my current way of life and I am afraid that once i meet you everything will change but mostly i am afraid that you may not like me for who i am.. I am afraid that I may not be good enough for you... I am afraid of hurting you. I am afraid of screwing up things.. and i am very much afraid of loosing you.. And then there’s this little voice in my head. The one that wishes we never meet. Abnormal for a fairy-tale believer but..
People teach you things in life. They teach you how to cook, clean, pay bills, do taxes. People teach you simple, unimportant things in life. But when you ask someone to teach you how to make a marriage work, nothing makes sense. Because that’s what I want. A marriage. Not a big, fat wedding. But a happy and healthy marriage. I still remember the time when marriage was simply a concept I could day dream about. Today, everything feels realistic.
I will warn you now, I’m not going to be the picture perfect wife. If I’m promising you otherwise, I’m lying to try and impress you. I’m lazy. I like sleeping in, i love cooking but not as a daily responsibility in fact cooking is like a therapy for me, i get lost in my own thoughts and i cry while watching movies or series. I sing out loud in a flat voice and wrong lyrics. I crack lame jokes. But I’m also unbelievably sensitive. Hurting me is very easy because when I care, I really care like a kid in kindergarten because I had to grow up too fast and I enjoy being a child when I can.
I don’t know what I’ve told you and what I’m not supposed to tell you. If I haven’t told you this, I’m trying not to freak you out – I’ve imagined our lives for a long time. I’ve imagined the normality of it. When I see an old couple in love, I’ve imagined us turning into them one day. I have even imagined about our kids and how much am i going to love them. When they grow up, let’s be those parents our kids are super embarrassed of. The ones that never fall out of love. Let’s always have a smile for each other. That's something i have loved most about my parents, knowing that they love each other a lot and have always got each others back. Being a kid knowing this about my parents somehow made me feel really happy and safe amidst everything and when i lost them that was the only thing that consoled me that they were still together wherever they are and they have each others love and support.
At the end I promise,whenever i am going to meet you.... I’m going to give my best and try to keep you happy. If you’re reading this, I swear, I’ll always remember that there are two people with hopes and dreams, not just me.