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    To the one I didn't deserve

    There are times when I pick up my phone and dial your number, but fall short of words when I am just about to call. There are times when I try listening our old song, but just when it starts playing, I take my earphones off. There are times when I look at the sky and wonder how beautiful the stars were when you were around.

    I know you keep asking yourself, or may be stopped asking yourself why we didn't work out. But trust me, it wasn't you. You were right every way, right from the start of spring to the end winter, you were the perfect one all through. It was me, it still is me. You were a boon, you probably were like a rainbow but I wasn't the rain you thought I was. I was like the storm that blows of houses. I could win a war against rest of the world with only you on my side, but the war I was fighting was with my own self.
    I know there are nights when you stare at the ceiling and wonder what went wrong, and trust me I do the same. But for all I know is I was tired of looking myself at the mirror and hate myself a little more every passing day, for not being able to love you the way you deserve. I couldn't continue putting you through all the miseries everyday, I couldn't see you keep lying to our friends when they asked you if you are fine. I couldn't keep holding on to a love that I couldn't give back. I saw you were losing your faith in love, and honestly, I couldn't let it happen. I couldn't afford you to lose that shine on your face every time you read a love story. That is why I stepped aside.

    I know your soul crushed into pieces to see years of efforts, compromises and love go in vain, but trust me I didn't want these years to last for a lifetime. And I am a coward, I don't have the courage to know how much I have hurt you, that is why I use backspace every time after dialing your number. I know you hate me, but I honestly don't want to know how much. Because in my very own ways I did care for you and no matter what I did, I always meant your good.

    And no I am not defending myself, I never will. Not a single night goes by when I curse myself for being the way I am. But may be it is just that I don't have in me what it takes to love someone. I just wanted you to know that you deserved much more than someone who did not even have enough love for himself. And even if it is not love, I wouldn't hesitate to burn my soul in the darkest of hours just to see the smile on your face.

    Someone you shouldn't have loved.

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