June 13, 2014
Not all epiphanies or realizations we are going to have in our lives are going to be happy ones. Sometimes they’re ones that are going to make you sad at first but happier in the end. Sometimes they’re the kind that’s just going to make you real sad and stay sad, because not everyone can handle the truth screaming in their face.
I’ve always had my realizations when it’s too little and too late. I’m usually left somewhere confused and broken, and a few months later when I’m picking up the pieces, I put them together and realize that everything that happened should have happened a lot sooner. I guess I’m just a late bloomer. I’m always late on getting really angry with things. I finally got really angry last summer at my life and what it was. Not to say that I’ve had a terrible life, because I know people who have it bad… but there were some things that I should have gotten angry about a lot sooner than I did. It all hit me hard like a ton of bricks, and I don’t feel like I’ve been the same since that happened.
It seems like once you start seeing things for their true colors, you don’t stop. Everywhere I look I feel like I see things in their true self instead of what they want me to see. It seems like I’m particularly good at that when it comes to people. I don’t want to say that I’m right a hundred percent of the time, cause that’d be false. But I feel like I am right more than half the time, and sometimes I wish I wasn’t.
I recently had the saddest realization of my life so far. That says almost nothing for someone who is 23, but it’s hitting me hard and leaving me gasping for air. I’ve suddenly realized that you’re never going to be the person I thought you to be. You’re never going to love me the way I thought you would. I’ve never been more out of breath thinking about something than when I think about that. Because when I tell myself that you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, it’s not the person that is standing in front me currently, but the person that stood in front of me almost a year and a half ago. That’s who I think about when I think about growing old with someone. That’s the person I continuously tell myself that you are, when I know that it really isn’t. So I’m stuck, because even though I know the truth, I refuse to separate myself from it. I know the kind of person I am and what that is going to do to me if I stay, but I can’t just give up. I’ve never been a quitter. I know you’re never going to change and that I’m just jading myself, but I don’t know what else to do when leaving isn’t an option. I’m not confident enough to do this. I’m not confident enough in myself.
And so I’m stuck with the truth, and the truth hurts.