gray

today i'm shutting off
I'll neither be happy or sad
i won't stand too long
i won't look in anyone's way

i won't bother to pick myself up
and i won't do anything to push myself down
it won't be black or white
it won't be pink or blue
it won't be yellow or green
Maybe, just be gray.

i'll fade but i won't dissapear
i'm alive but i won't live
they say life is a rollercoaster
i'll sit but i won't make it move

the highs and the lows
repeats itself
over and over
over and over

the pressure, the secrets
these thoughts
they're vicious
they are an unending echo
and if i outrun them
In time, they'll find me

"i'm tired" i beg again and again
when i close my eyes to picture the sky.
i know you can hear me
i know you can see me
i know you can see the storms stirring
inside me

years long of this
i'm circling back to where it began
i am asking you to save me
but you want me to save myself
something, i still don't have the guts to do

is this a lesson you want me to learn?
it's too painful
it's too exhausting
i'm stubborn but you know i'm just scared

if i can't learn
if i can't be brave
will you leave me here?

©fortemgem