• amritpatnaik_ 5w

    Philophobe

    I have cached that day in my verses, the ones that i have hidden in secret folders.
    Ever since that fateful day, i have run after Shadows of love, shadows that i tried to catch, in memories, in love stories, in couples who laughed together and cried together, and ended up holding air in my palm, the air that brings me the rancid smell of our failed love.
    Chances are that you'll never know, how it feels, to be kicked out of your home, wait outside, knocking, banging, knowing well you'll never be let in, to continue loving a person, knowing well that they wouldn't ever care to look back, to see how you're living, if at all. This fear of being in a love that knows no going forward or backward has binded me in chains, a chain whose key you've taken away, forever, if at all you still believe in forevers. This is what my life has shrunk to-being to every place and not feeling at home in any.
    You stopped talking, or thinking of me and i stopped living, splitting into pieces, one part that has stayed behind in all those beautiful moments we spent together. The other, suffocating with attempts to move on, fighting between living and letting go.
    The compass in the watch you gifted has broken now. It shows directions to places i may feel home at. Alas, none of them are real. Not the silences which wake me up at midnight, reminding me of you, nor the clamour in my head that comes with nightmares that haunt every night. And somewhere, in between those difficult awakenings and dreadful slumbers, our love lives on. For i have known love to be nothing but you. For you are what makes love what it is. And your face is what stops me from turning into a philophobe and fall back into the realms of love again.
    ©amritpatnaik_