My memory feels like a whistle in the woods, clear and distinct to me as I create it, muffled as I walk towards it, in future. Like sand, on which my actions form footprints, only to be washed away by waves of time, yet sometimes like glass, on which certain things leave a scratch- permanent, etched recklessly. The last days I spent with you, are so brutally etched in my mind, its not quite possible to get over them. Answers to so many questions will never be found. Only what-ifs to fill the void in my heart.
//And I wish we never met/ coz you’re too hard to forget/ Now I am clearing off your mess/ knowing he's taking off your dress//
Our last trip to the beach, where you dragged me in your soul like a corpse on your shoulders, not to spend some time with me, but just to fulfil my last whim.
//I wish that I could wake up with amnesia And forget about the stupid little things Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you And the memories I never can escape//
Those last phone calls where you wouldn't say full sentences, but just your hmm, ok, huh…were to be heard with my ears pressed so close to the phone, it felt they have been seared. Why had even talking to me turned so much of a burden for you? For you who would go on for hours after midnight rambling random jackshit. When I was drowning in tears at out last meeting, why did you find my crying so silly. Because earlier, you would cry with me at the slightest of whimper..was it all just an act?
//You telling me you wanna come over You wanna be closer I love it when you wear your hair over down on your shoulder, coz I want to hold ya For I know where tonight is going//
All that between us was just a fling for you, which you pretended to be pristine for you, on the verge of being sacred. Do you remember you called me the best thing that happened to you in a long time? I wonder you forgot that right? All my gifts, which you seemed to find so adorable, were infact frivolous to you, I realized this when I saw you shove the pillow and the mug in the dark corners of your closet and the key chain face downwards in the last shelf of your rack. My business card which you seemed to have found powerful, thrown near dustbin, our photograph crumpled, lying aside, sad. For you, it was just a fling, for me a hurricane that destroyed my peace.
//Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine?//
One line replies to my pages of email, avoiding calls and at last when we were to meet after eternity, just the night before, your text saying, “I think we should end this”… How could you murder someone just like this? How could you? Are endings so damn easy for you?
Leaving me thus Was a choice of yours So are you happy now? ....................................................... All this while , I had been nurturing the garden of you, and flowers did bloom in you. A better, finer person you became, while I was used, and disposed off. But it’s said, a heart pure, can wither, but never ceases to radiate… You broke my heart but all the broken pieces became hearts in their own rights, the sum is greater than the parts eventually.
//Some dance to remember Some dance to forget//
And I dance to the tunes of the vissicitudes of life to forget the pains it gives me, while remembering the lessons, for // I did what I did, the best I could when I did.//
Now amidst my smiles, I value myself, and the power of my gentle heart, for gentleness can only be expected from the strong, it is the weak that are curel.
My orchards bear fruits of self love.
And I have an open heart for love, empathy, understanding and growth...