Thinking back to my childhood nights of emotional turmoil
I dealt with my pain in the dark when most were at rest
Thats when my painful haunting and circumstances boiled up inside my soul like an errupting volcano.
In the night every dissapointment, every loss, every asault and every fear came to the forefront of my thoughts.
The devastating blows that had blasted the very foundation from under my small feet and took a toll on me. The darkness in my life would meet up with the darkness in the night and taunt me, trying to steal the sound mind that God's word promised.
I was longing for assurance, I was desperately seeking relief from this monster, this ugly beast of pain that I simply couldnt bare alone
I needed something gentle, I needed soft, tender words of love and acceptance and understanding. Yet I also needed something strong and steady, I needed protection from those fiery darts. God already knew the exact medicine required. He being the Great Physician that He is already knew the needs for His princess. Also, being the Great I am he knew that in those very moments I was not the only one receiving the Balm of Gilead. He prescribed an antidote for my ailmemts; my Grandparents, not just any grandparents, MINE. Beautifully designed and created to do His will in this world as well as in my life. They were willing vessels, and I am so glad!
Many restless nights spent by each of them applying balm to my wounds. My grandmother would sing tora lora lora an irish lullaby, any thoughts I had racing out of control would ease and my thoughts would focus on every peaceful word as she sang. "My mother sang these words to me ......and how I would give the world to hear her sing those words again today..." I would realize in those words I wasn't alone in my pain, there were people everywhere missing their mothers, and others understand the longing and ache I felt. Their pain maybe not the exact same, yet similar enough for comfort. I felt much rejection and felt very much unlovable, I loved so openly and so strongly, I could feel strong empathy for perfect strangers and my heart would break for them and their pain. Though I didn't know that I myself was just as loveable. For assurance my grandmother would tell me how special I was and how soo many people loved me and she would recite them one by one. I recall many nights falling asleep to those names of people who LOVED Cayce. Wow!!! What a mighty God we serve and I am in awe realizing even now, in retrospect just how my grandparent's unconditional, untainted, unwavering love healed my brokenness with each dose applied. The different approaches tried, I needed each one. Sometimes she would move a mattress next to their bed if I was having an especially hard time. She would hold my hand, sing various hymns, that served as an excellent distraction, she sang each one in such a way that in my imaginations I was there in those hymns experiencing just how 'deep and wide' was Gods love. How my ' redeemer lives' and how "On a hill far away.." stands an old rugged cross...and that is where "he sought me and bought me.. And where I can find victory in Jesus. And how"surely goodness and mercy..." will follow me ALL the days of my life... I wonder who I would have become had my grandmother not been the godly woman she is! Had she not been willing to sacrifice and invest so much of herself into not only healing me but teaching me in subtle ways of who I am in God and how I would be ok, and she would be there the entire time relentless in her prayer and faith. Her devotion and loyalty would begin to rebuild the rubble back into a foundation for my feet. She was helping me find ways to open up the parts of me that were untrusting.She would be there just as she was on those dark nights, often overlooked, taken forgranted (and I am ashamed to say she often felt forgotten or discluded by me later in life). Yet, she suited up, she put her hurts aside and believed in me and Gods plan and always saw in me a hope and a future when I was hopeless. She saw a better me than the world saw. I now know those good parts of me are homegrown; they are the fruits of her. Praise God!
Not only did my sickness require her gifts for healing, I also needed to restore security, I needed to feel safe and protected. I needed to know that when any monster came aggressively in my direction that I didn't have to fight alone. I had often felt alone and isolated in my fears. Boy was I afraid. I was afraid of EVERYTHING. My imagination always got the best of me, I mean reality had really dealt a hard blow alone but mixed with my imaginations there was much to be feared. Though I never would have put my granddaddy in danger and never would have wanted him to be hurt trying to save me, he was exactly the knight in shining armor that this little scared girl needed. I never really knew there was so much to be afraid of, I never knew of the lurking dangers in life. Until that day, the day my daddy died. He was my layer of protection he was the strongest person I knew. Though unaware of the fiery darts and ugly truths of life, I was completely content and safe and never questioned my safety. After the trama of Daddy being ripped from his rightful place, I was afraid and always anticipating the next blow. I needed a man almost as strong as Jesus, I needed my granddaddy. I also needed to be admired and I needed to be heard. I needed straight forward raw and simple love. Some nights I needed my granddaddy's presence he never had to do much his presence, in my darkest nights made the monsters run in fear. They must have caught wind of just how strong my granddaddy was and just how much he loved this little girl they were messing with, they knew it was over for them when he showed up on scene. It's amazing how strategic Gods plans are. How at certain times the situation required certain qualities and certain people to combat the darkness. I often had growing pains, horrible the only relief came from the strong hands of my granddaddy. His matter of fact point of view also allowed me to learn to trust again. If he told me something I could bank on it. If he said its ok then it was ok. He also sang to me and often told me stories. Some stories too interesting for me to close my eyes ( which was the essentially the point) some stories were funny, but in each story he told there is something to be learned. You just instinctively know it. Kinda like fables but true.
If there is anythimg I remember in life its pain
Now I was settled being with my grandparents and I couldnt as for more. Or could I? I was constantly worried about things I couldnt control but somehow I thought that I could, I made myself feel responsible and guilt for my sister and my mom. I was constantly imagining terrible things happening, I thought the only to make them not happen was for me to be there. I believed that my physical presense would protect them that somehow I could make sure that they weren't ripped away like my daddy. I was so torn between 2 worlds and it caused so much confusion and turmoil. It just wasnt fair for such a little girl to be carrying that kind of weight on her small shoulders. I missed my mamma so much! No matter what she had done. No matter the gaping hole inside me the emptiness and the rejection and abandonment I felt and dealt with, I adored her, I wanted to be near her, I wanted to hear her voice in the next room or the way it sounded if I was laying in her lap, I just longed to be in her presence, I just wanted my mama. I wanted to smell her to feel her hands, I wanted to sit and watch her put on her makeup or listen to her talk on the phone with a friend, or make a pot of coffee or smoke a cigarette. Plain and simple I desired her and I desperately wanted things to go back I wanted her to get better from her problems so I could go back with her and protect her. I couldn't though, her demon grew and she got worse instead.....
Should I continue......my story