• moonspider 10w

    a light inside is small

    I keep getting told, how lucky I am

    "you're moving"

    "you get to leave"

    "you'll be on your own"

    and my god, can you shut the fuck up?
    can you let me breathe without the guilt trip
    I am so fucking tired of you telling me that you're anxious? how do you think people with anxiety linked disorders feel?

    I am moving yes, but I am trapped by my mom's fears, my grandma's fears, my boyfriend's mom's fears I am strangled by their shit.

    that I am drowning, in my own feelings of remorse for moving away, feeling guilty for being happy to be leaving this place, I can't share an ounce of joy because it's shot to hell of negativity.

    and instead of joy, happiness, support.

    I get nothing, but a debut of a wheel of doubt and that tunnel of light gets darker, and no one seems to understand that I want something, anything to be excited for?

    I want to feel the excitement, to feel the joy to move and be independent but that joy gets filled such negative thoughts that I can not help but feel bad, feel like I am somehow hurting the people who are anxious?

    I feel like I am drowning yes, or and I am alone fighting to breathe in this cold water.