I haven't felt this wet in a long time. Everytime I try I get interrupted, or something big is coming up and I can't get it out of my mind. But this time, this time I am focused, want no other feeling,
I want to be easy.
Yes! Yes! NO! No! Please, please, nononono noooooo! Fuuuuuuuuck. THIS. FEELING. I can't do this. I can't do this. I can. I can. I am.... I am...
Now coming in waves. Dripping down my limp limbs, engorging every flacid nerve as it bleeds past. Washed through a few times before, the dyes won't give as much on the fourth try. But, now, pressing my hands deep into my thighs, vibrations flowing through my core. Shame disappears with every pulse. I am becoming the corpse of a young woman I've been frantically hunting to keep. A suffocated vestige behind hungry eyes that can't find her way back. I call myself selfish, thinking my family doesn't deserve this, to see me like this. But, this time it's for me.
My face in the earth, I keep reaching for something to bear down onto, press my dripping flesh to it, masking it to a quiet tremor. Saturating last night's shirt, fresh crimson keeps pooling over the aged brown stains, flowing from all my ends. Now a rag full with feelings, I give it back to the floor.
What is endless moments?... I could live in those. I spend what feels like days with myself. Gazing in and out of consciousness, light fluttering in my eyes. I mindlessly give into the sun's caress. I've never had better moments than this. I am at peace, suffocating in fantasy; dying tranquilly in the carpet.
And then, a movement, a sudden jolt, and I am back. Dry mouth crusted in spit, my lips peel away from each other to quench their thirst. I draw my head from the floor to bring my body closer to the glass. Water leeches down my burning throat as tribulation flows back through my veins, shooting deep pains over my crusted wrists.
Back to life. Until I try again.