• anna_maria45 5w

    I always seem to ruin things by ruining them.

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    I Miss You

    I miss You...I don't know why...I have no reason. Even after you left me with your truth not to. Especially days after, perhaps a week later, the first night we spent together. Your excuse was, You are not the one to make me feel better, not the one to make me happy, cause you're nothing but heartache and trouble in the long run. You were persistent with that fact and the fact that 'You know you', making it clear, that I didn't need you...even showed me. It hurt at first, but I understood. I didn't even blame you. I trusted you enough to let you in...there was no reason to blame. I'm just sorry, I wasn't strong enough to stick to my boundaries or standards that night, especially with you. You mean so much more to me than that. And I have always let you know this. But I always seem to ruin good things by ruining them. I fight every intention to, even go to war with myself, cause I have to, not to. I tend to project my insecurities, not wanting, and have built walls so high. Not to keep anyone out but to protect anyone from what I fear within. You see, I know me...that's why I don't blame you. I'm not in love with you, I just love who you are. I have trust issues in a generation where it's so much easier to fall out. I was only wanting quality time with you. You gave me the privilege to know you over the years before that night, through our brief public encounters that eventually turned into private phone calls and then small private chats. We became friends before any thing, no matter how often or far apart our conversations became. And for that, I am grateful. I considered you a real friend, a good one. I still do. You touched my soul, way before you ever touched my body. And why would i want to kill that? That's why I felt comfortable with you, that night, though I was a little scared to ruin it. You say, you fucked me, but any woman knows when she's been fucked...truth be, I had no expectations but that night was for certain, NOT a Fuck. I can't explain it, not with the lack of words of things only intended to be felt. But I am certain, that what you gave me, was more than just a fuck. I have no regret, though i wanted to give back as good as i got, and have wished that it could have been that night. But you say, You know you and you're only trying to protect me. A part of me 'thanks You' but it hurts. And a part me hates it but accepts that I will not ever get that chance, cause I always seem to ruin a good thing by ruining it. And that is one regret i hate to admit.