• aknownunknown 50w

    @writersnetwork @readwriteunite @mirakeeworld
    It vibrated, again.
    Biting the settled ice upon my lips I looked forward to it,
    the only thing that continues to suck life out of my dusty rack.
    "Congratulations MOFO!! You friggin nailed it. What's the plan now?".
    With eyes wide open and just two texts down despite having so much more to talk about, it came to this,
    "We'll be there by 10. It's a gonna be a night AFTER YEARS, MOFO!!"
    And suddenly, my mind started dwindling upon all the possible chances of avoiding it at all.
    They seemed excited, even though all my insides screamed they least cared. Which even they don't mind claiming, humorously, but I know they don't.
    And I, as always, was the person who'd keep leaving as the last possible option. Even if I were to deal with a completely irrelevant person, who'd beg to leave me.
    For, I don't know how to leave.
    And I don't know how to tell them to.
    But, having dealt with this just so many times, I don't act upon it. Yet again.
    I wait for the time to pass by,
    strumming the same old strings.
    Talking to her.
    Talking to dad.
    Rolling within and without the unchanged mattress.
    Jacking off.
    Reading the same unfinished book.
    Checking out the mails & notifications, a couple of times more than one.
    Staring at the whiteness within the black hole,
    scribbled alphabets circling round and round the screen.
    Till they come and drag me out of my pit.
    Same old cheerful smiles they wear.
    Making me wonder how they do it,
    despite ignoring how,
    I'm still carrying the same bundle of thoughts,
    with the same smile I wore back then.
    I knew this wasn't it at all, this isn't supposed to be,
    Yet I set off to kidnap another one of our so called friends(in their language), who was a bit more closer to me. With them.
    Being a bit hopeful about how I could feel a bit less of this blankness, I took the initiative to call him over.
    Which he agreed upon to. Pretty quick. Quite unlike him.
    Which rose my hopes of things changing a bit, again.
    30 minutes fast forward, and I find myself in the same shoes.
    Everyone behaving the same way. This was supposed to be centred about me at least this time as this was my night, but, it wasn't.
    And I had to take part in all their old memory stocks. Which I stopped taking, throwing the same old giggles around.
    Who gives a shit anyway?
    I take a puff and swipe off my screen, while they continue to be.
    In an attempt to feel home,
    I think of her. Would she be asleep now?
    I wondered, but refrained from messaging her thinking how she reacted the same way when I told her about it.
    We had showers after that, we made love too. We swore another couple of forevers, but, it was all about her head.
    Her memories.
    And her happy feelings only. Deluded by everything I liked, except intimacy.
    Not that it shouldn't be about her ideologies, but, it shouldn't be only about her ideologies.
    And, we even flexed according to me, but the intimacy, wasn't all complete. She never really loosed herself in it. We never really synced while doing that. It reflected from her gesture. Everytime. And even when I thought it did, which are all in a rack of happy memories, they melted away like candle wax as the fire kept burning.
    And these guys who proudly call me their MOFO, fail to even get curious to acknowledge parts of me at times. Not just at times, but rather, always.
    I think of a friend who always worried about me and willed to listen to every single thing I had in store to talk about.
    But she barely even talked about herself. She was here because I seeked her shoulder once and her humane self just couldn't help but worry about me.
    I think of you. Someone I loved with all my might. Someone who loved me doing that too. Every single one of the little things of whom, I knew within and without.
    Who, failed to be what I dearly thought was meant to be.
    But then, I wonder. I wonder again. And it hits me how you were here too only because I was. Not because you wanted to be.
    I think of my parents. Who, actually have thought the most about me, amongst all these. Who're the ones, who, I'd fail to categorise into any of the above category. That's what you're thinking, right?
    Yes. You're right. But, there's a void here too. There's a void which I saw right through, within seconds, whenever they frowned upon me in the empty glimpses which were supposed to be filled by their words. About me.
    And I think of the latest movie fixture I saw, don jon.
    How, in the end, he looses himself finally into her.
    While she looses it too, within him.
    That's not love, he says.
    And I don't care whether it's love or not.
    As long as, it's we. It's we who're creating it all.
    Who're in it. Together.
    As if nothing else ever mattered, than this very moment.
    And I think of someone like that.
    Someone I haven't met.
    Someone I've always looked for in the very same conclusion I always landed upon.
    And I smile within, thinking she exists out there. For me.
    The same way I did years back.
    Then it hits me how I've found pieces of it, but never really it. Despite feeling I did, at times.
    And how, nothing really changed anything in the end.
    And I go along with the flow,
    hair messing around with the wind,
    breath sipping in the cold invisible ice every other second from my lips,
    ears numbed by the cold escaping their lips,
    while life barely escapes the surface of my face.
    And I just be, despite not being.
    I just be.

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    For us,

    I'm always looking out for you.

    And me.