Dear loved one -1
Dear loved one,
You ever wondered what it feels to be genuinely happy? To feel that peace inside your body finally after a tiring day, the feeling of being complete, the feeling of freedom , that damn feel when you feel like your soul went on a vacation to a sunny beach and your hearts beating as loud as it could from excitement. Yes oh yes i'm speaking about those days filled with butterflies and rainbows. How good it is to feel such peace inside yourself, yet I struggle to find that peace inside me
I know it's been days since we have spoke,
Oh leave the greetings, I mean it's been long since we actually spoke. I know it's hard on you, I know it makes you go crazy when I don't talk up, when I don't reply to your msgs. I know it makes you sad that I lock myself inside my room and refuse to talk or take any help from anyone. I know your worried about me staying up all night , just gaming all day and staying alone always. I hope you understand me, understand that not every wound needs to be said aloud , not every scar is healed by others .Some scars just stay there always .Wounds can heal , Scars don't, they stay up there for long
So when I say "I am not in the mood" I mean it, you don't have to ask the reason behind it, I'm not gonna say it anyway, I'm not sorry for being this way cause I was built like that. Trusting someone so truly that you express your genuinely feelings to them and get attached to their talks, and never be stable without them, is a high risk which I can't afford anymore. It's like codependency , where you're totally dependent on someone for your emotions, it's a huge risk emotionally, the only thing I'm sorry for is the way you feel when I'm not myself.
During those days, I don't wish anything, I don't desire anything, I don't think anything. I just feel. Feel things deeply on a different level. It's exhausting but I'd still do it by myself than bother anyone else or be dependent on anyone. I know you care about me, I clearly know that. It's sad that I am like this. Days pass by and I let the silence around me get inside me, so I can feed those dark thoughts
running wild inside my head while I still ignore everyone's existence until I feel like speaking again.
I ignore you for days, till I feel to talk, till I feel that I'll be able to manage the energy around me and sort my feelings and be myself again, that again I question myself later that who am I? Am I that person who locks up himself when he's on his worst , or am I the person who laughs during the day like nothing's wrong? Who am iI? I guess i lost the answer to that while pretending to be someone else, now that I don't know who I am, I wonder why the people around me are still sticking to me , I question their motives. The uncertainty about my self makes me uncertain about others.
But in reality, it doesn't matter to me. The way I feel , It's okay to be this, as long as I don't feel hurt, I allow it to be, I allow it to swallow me, and feed on me slowly but wait? It really isn't hurting so it has to be fine? Seems like that to me, but ah Oh there I go speaking rubbish again. It's really sad how I can't approve my own feelings, how I can't believe in others like I did once, how my scars are slowly opening up again, tearing the wound open and making it bleed. And for now, I'm letting it bleed as hard as it could
-----------To Be continued------------