I feel so angry because I don't know what I'm feeling. It's literally an emotional rollercoaster that I can't get off of and the emotions just keep changing so fast that I don't have time to even register what I'm feeling. I am angry with myself because I feel weak. I am tired of fighting with myself every day and slapping on a smile. And yes, sometimes my smile, my laughs... sometimes they are real. But that also doesn't mean that I'm not confused and scared because I can't tell what the difference is between something that's real or not. I literally get up in the middle of the night sometimes and touch the wall or the lampshade to make sure that it is just a wall or lampshade. Things have been building up and I cry. I cry and breakdown, slumping my body onto the floor because I can't hold myself up anymore. And I curl up and cry because I don't know where I am in the stage of becoming the person I want to be. So please. Don't call this beautiful... because it's not. This is me falling apart from rage. From a war that I am waging with myself.