Sometimes, I fight the urge to dial your number or text you to tell you that it never stops hurting. I have memorized your number, your address, the gap between your eyes, the plumpness of your lips, the fragrance of your black Hawaiian shirt. Other times, I give in to my temptations. I call you while I weep and sob and you stay at the other end of the phone call, murmuring apologies. We end up crying together. I end up passing my hurt to you. But where do I keep this pain? You filled my heart with it so I return it to you. I keep asking you for answers but there aren't any. You tell me that it will stop hurting oneday. You explain how this was the right thing to do. But my heart doesn't listen to even a word. I keep living in a home that you abandoned long ago. I want you to come across our home and say "I am home". We keep going in circles. Hurting, questioning, you handling my anxiety attacks, more hurting, endless crying, toxic arguments, unhealthy conversations. You are a drug that I am trying so hard to stop dragging. I have severe withdrawal syndromes every time I try to get away from you. When you are close, I want to push you away. When you are away, I want to pull you in. But you say nothing. You nod to whatever I do or say. You are okay with everything that makes me feel better. You still remain a call away but denying to return back , just the same. I feel that we are stuck with our feelings and emotions. They are always above us. We are always crushed under their weight. Goodbyes never work for us because we eventually find a way back to each other. We are neither lovers nor friends. You do not like being called an ex nor do I like bringing that word on my tongue. We understand each other but we never get one another. We are nothing but we are everything. But every time I shake you by your shoulders, desperate for an answer, you tell me you don't know either. You tell me you are hurting when you see me hurting. You tell me that I pick on my wounds too often, blocking their progress to heal. You are true but why is it harder for me than it is for you? I don't know. I will never know. You are so nice that I can't stop loving you. I can't stop admiring you. I can't stop praying for your happiness before mine. But what should I do if I am the one who swallows your smiles to feed my hunger for sadness? I hate doing this, I hate being this. You tell me that you love this about me. But why? Run away, don't return. Kuch nahi rakha yaha. Bas dard hain, tere liye, mere liye. Tere waade mujhe aankhen bhi bandh nhi krne dete. I haven't seen myself without dark circles and eye bags for a very long time. I haven't seen you smiling with all your heart for a while. I guess I will leave. I will not bid a goodbye. I will just disappear. For you, for me, for all that we deserve.
Your promises of forevers never let me breathe. I choke and die, everyday.