• ronak_bafna 6w

    I have made myself unlovable. I have created this wall around my heart, a wall that protects me from ever committing to someone. I feel numb when people talk about love and emotions. I live in the constant fear of not working out or things falling apart. My eyes freeze and my lips can't even fake a smile. And it's not that i don't believe in love anymore. Love exists, yes. And also I love madly or my whole world revolves around them but I don't have the heart left to trust again that this would work out.
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    I know that people take it as some sort of arrogance or no-heart, but I know my life, I know my nights and I know how it feels if this thing doesn't work out. So I am fine with the idea of letting go my feelings for someone. You know and to be very honest, love is still a dream, yes. But how can you dare to build your dream again, when the same dream has been robbed you of your nights and sleep? How can I fight the monsters, when the monsters have made me their home in my head and veins? How can I not shiver when someone says "trust me"?
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    I still spend sleepless nights, wondering how can people lie with such innocent eyes and smile. I know that it sounds a sob fest to you. But, I wanted to share why I have commitment issues. I don't talk with all my heart when you speak about all your relationships and it's not because you don't matter or I don't care. It's just that I am not the right person to talk about love anymore. I see things with doubt and betrayed eyes now. I end up doubting if this thing will work or not when someone says, "I LOVE YOU". So, I apologize to all of you who think that I was jealous or selfish when I didn't join you in your relationship mess discussion session.
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    But hey, let's end this on a positive note, shall we? Sometimes, when I listen to a romantic song or watch a romantic scene on TV, I do feel like being in love again. Even for a nano-second, but I do smile and I do believe this will work out but only for a nano-second. Maybe, one day someone will not say: trust me. Maybe someone will be just with me and prove me that sometimes it does work out with someone. Maybe not with the one whom I considered my whole world but maybe with someone else who will just be there with me and I will tell myself I trust this soul even with all my past scars and lessons. Maybe, one day I will smile at the mirror, again, thinking about what I said and heard. Maybe, one day I will sleep, hugging my pillow again. Maybe, one day I will smile, waiting and looking at my phone's screen to light up.
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    And yes, finally, a word to all the lovers in the universe: please do love as if there is no tomorrow, but please also do love as if their will be your tomorrow if the love leaves you today. Because hey, look around almost all lovers leave but some love stories last a long time. So, don't build your disaster in people thinking you are building your home. Do commit like there's no tomorrow but with the right one.
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    Cheers!

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    one day someone will not say: trust me. Maybe someone will be just with me and prove me that sometimes it does work out with someone.