I ain't the kinda girl people prefer when it comes to love. I wasn't born to love. Yet, by default I had a heart in me. I had emotions and feelings. My eyes could cry and skin could feel pleasures.
I was brought up tough. I was never taught to be dependent. I grew up to be conservative and the one who can hide and show opposite emotions. Things never aligned my way, and I learnt to swim aginst the wave.
Deep inside there was a different me. Not everyone could see that version, which was too emotional, sensitive and vulnerable. It was the part of me I had always hidden behind my rudeness and cold behavior. Behind the walls of being a secretive person, there laid a girl who always desired company, who was afraid of loneliness and the dark night. I always knew this side of me, if brought out ever to the world would be expoilted int devastation. So I always had a hard out core. I didn't let anyone in. I didn't let anyone know me. This was how I grew up.
Teenage came. Flings and crushes were a sweet part of it. I believed I was the kinda girl who wasn't made to love and be loved back. I knew not everyone could understand my strange ways of living. I was happy to never have loved ever. Love was a synonym of heartbreak to me. It was something I always wanted to stay out and miles away from.
But life itself is a surprise. So, unexpectedly in between the"I don't care", "ignorance" and "cutting out him" I fell for him, so hard that I couldn't get up again. I didn't want to break and now there were pieces of me shattered all around. I had never imagined me loving someone so deeply, unconditionally and unconsciously. They say love is blind, and I agree. That is why admist all the red signals, I somehow managed to see a clear green signal towards him. I let him in. He explored parts of me, which were both beautiful and ugly. He sited my most sensitive areas and what things hurted me the most. He never touched me. Yet he knew me so well that, he could probably know how I would react to any situation. He knew the depth of me which I had kept unknown from the entire world. He won my trust, confidence and loyalty.
I was happy. Happy in loving his flaws and imperfections. I liked the way his hairs messed up his face and the way he never cared about his appearance. I loved the way he was so childish and careless about almost everything. He became my world, a world I never wanted to die.
Contrarily, I always knew we would end. I was always realistic I had accepted the fact to part away. I knew one day, we would again turn into strangers. Yet, all which killed me was the way we ended, so soon. We were like the brightest and hotest flames, but we died out too soon. He left without words, I never asked and when I did he didn't want to clear anything. Maybe because it was all over for him.
It was always easy for him to play hot and cold games with me, to cheat me with his eyes and emotionally attack my most vulnerably weak point. He used me. He stabed me at my back. He threw dirt right on my image. He ruined my good name. He broke me. I am now numb. He defeated not only me, but also the trust, loyalty and confidence I had in him. I am too numb to react to all these.
Maybe things were meant to end this way but I often wonder, why does God make people meet only to depart them later.