You ask me why i want to die so badly.
Well here's a perspective to that.
I have faith in Allah being the best of planner and have faith in things happening for the better. However, i also believe that i might not get what's better: the reward in this life. Therefore, i seek to die asap. Not, that i am sucidal. But, thats how it is.
And, it's completely fine to find this thought completely irrational. Trust me, on days i do too.