"I like the shadow in my brain, I like its look, I like its shape"
And despite your inferior looks, I accepted you and being yours. I wonder why I made that compromise, but i had and i didnt regret it then. You had helped me and I took that for love, while you always had your goal in mind. Of leading me on, to fall and you can revive yourself from the pit of your lust.
Amidst passionate kisses, beautiful evenings melted into exciting nights. You asking for my tongue even though you knew well I didn't like it, pounding on my bosom like a brute pressing me against the walls. Happily satisfying yourself in bed, while I faked my comes for you. There was a time three or so months down those between the sheets moments, when I was depressed, I wondered if I could never really enjoy what you clearly were, then what is the damn point of living at all? I was frenzied and reading things on how to derive my own pleasure, and finally when I cracked the code, which is the best thing I learnt from the shit you served me, you were over me, yes just like that.
One day closer to the death of our bond, you were next to me, with rubber in one hand and a boner, and asking me, "I don't want, to -- should we do it?" I cannot tell you nor anyone what that felt like. It's still and will forever stay one of the worst feelings of my life. A gentleman is one who can say no, for a gentlewoman understands consent. So if you were so unsure, you could have said "Gillian, not today, honey" I would've not minded at all. But to arouse a lady and then snatching it away from her, is disgraceful and the rudest thing any man can do. You know what, I felt useless that day, used more so. Devastated. I was fucking lying naked at your damn bed! Don't you have basic decency? But of course you didn't -- I think giving you chances after that was too kind and somewhere idiotic of me, but I forgive myself now for I was naive and being naive is not a fault, but being ruthless like you were, is a sin. And you did commit it.
The nail in the coffin was the afternoon, when you labelled me a pseudo-feminist. That day broke me. The basic element of my being was ridiculed and I could just weep. Thank you honey, for breaking my trust in men, so bad, I just can't believe in anybody, even closest of them. I was left, without any explanations, and it's wreckage that you left, not me, I had died that day, the Gilian people see today is someone else.
But some days I am happy to admit she is better than the dead one.
"Fight so dirty, but love so sweet/ Talk so prettyt but your heart got teeth"
I had two best friends, both of them boys and I loved them like anything, like brothers, mates, closest ones. But the rebuttal at your hands earned me rebuke from one and scolding from another, but support from none. Constant snide remarks about my failure in love and my leanings in activism, left me so confused, so helpless, rudderless, I can't explain, being left by my lover was the biggest betrayal I ever had, unexpected, earth shattering , devastating. But the one by friends was just numbing. I could not process my thoughts, and eventually our bond broke. Those two are still friends.
But now I lie on my bed and with earphones on, I ponder over my life and all bereavements and I realise I have been lucky to have got rid of them who were so deceitful, and I so dumb to not see. But now I have and for the better.
And yet the most surprising aspect of myself is that I have so much power, such huge strength to forgive, and it helped me forget to some extent all this pain and I guess it is the power of femininity that I have neither given up on love and nor on boys. I know there are good ones, though few, yet there are, and though I have been unlucky to have found the bad ones, still there are worse than them and that I will meet better ones and that even if I don't I don't need to. Main apni favourite hoon! A modern Aphrodite, loving and wise.
"You are my favourite fantasy, a fatal love song, waterfall is overflowing/ You are the only one who makes me, everytime we tell you what I like, my wildflower"
I imagine myself sitting with myself, my face smiling its usual broad teeth showing grin and sunlight on my face ............ .................. ................. Copyright Harfkaar 20-9-2020