• drine_the_poet 5w

    In her head

    Background playground, kickball and toys for days
    Loved ones around
    Another quality time type of day
    Kitchen aroma smelling oh so good
    Friends and family playing card games
    Music on
    Dancing too
    Everyone is vibing as they should
    But where is she?
    Simple, in her locked room lost in her journal book
    Naturally tucking herself away
    She lacked confidence
    She lived in a private state of dismay
    In her head it wouldn't be a bother
    If she avoided the ones she loved
    If she kept from bonding with others
    Depressive moods can be quite hurtful
    In that state of distress
    She admits that she failed to think of others
    In her head she is super weird
    So uncomfortable to vibe with people she meet
    Even pushes her loved ones away
    Failing to recognize that this causes them pain
    They have no idea what to do
    When she has bouts of episodes that leads to her becoming unglued
    It may drain them emotionally
    So in her head, she tells herself
    "I'll ask them for space."
    Meanwhile she is mentally preparing
    Preparing to train her mind and heart to live alone
    Trying to believe her own fluff that she doesnt need anyone
    So she keeps her text messages and phone call responses as short as can be
    Anyone who truly knows her feels the difference
    With her closest people she used to be a chatter box
    Some even said she was comical relief
    If only they knew
    That she often thought about dying daily
    She has a purpose and a responsibility
    That keeps her alive
    That keeps her faking
    She goes thru the motions of what we call life
    Wishing this chemical imbalance could be recalibrated
    She laughs at work and is super mom at her child's school
    Behind closed doors
    She gets lost in her head
    Often making up scenarios
    And believing them
    Secretly missing the ones she pushed away
    Trying to convince herself that it is better this way
    Drowning in guilt for hurting the ones she truly love
    In her head, they hate her
    In her head, they like that she is gone
    Wishing she was normal
    Versus living in a mental haze
    Counseling is a band aid
    The healing has to come from within

    Written: 10.9.19